Want another for all the wrong reasons

[MaybeAFool]

I don't know why I'm posting this. I've namechanged, because normally I'm quite sensible, and I'm being silly.
The thing is, I am infertile, and I have an adopted DS who is 3. I was very lucky and adopted him when he was tiny, so experienced the whole "baby" thing, which I never thought in a million years that I would have. I am luckier than I ever imagined I would be, so that's why I think I'm being a bit silly at the moment.

Adoption was a long, hard, gruelling, difficult, painful...oh and did I say "Long" process. the end result, of course, made it completely and utterly worthwhile and I would die for my beautiful son, and I would go through anything at all, all over again just to have him here, but it did take up years of our lives, and consumed us.

I have been finding, however, of late that I want another baby. I've never been broody, really...not properly broody because I found out that I had fertility problems at a very young age, so never really believed that I would have a biological child, but now he's a toddler and a little boy and no longer a baby, I'm finding myself being that woman...looking at baby clothes in shops, crying when I pack away trousers he's grown out of, and just wanting that amazing feeling you get when you snuggle your baby close.

I know i can't have one naturally, but I keep wanting to adopt again - but, having already been through it, I know it's not the right decision at this time. I am 40, and I feel (even though this isn't the same for everyone) that I, personally, am too old to go through it all again - it could take another 3 years, and then I would be 43. I don't want that. I would struggle with having another family history...we have all of DS's birth family history - all of the things that we are going to have to explain to him, and all of the contact with his siblings and letterbox contact with other birth family members. I don't want that to be duplicated with another family.
I also know that I don't really want to adopt - I just want another BABY. And there are absolutely no guarantees that I would have another BABY - we were crazy lucky with DS, and that age group is rare.

So please, someone, tell me how I can get through this? I love DS with all of my heart, and I am blessed to be a Mummy. I enjoy every single day, and I look to our future with such joy. And I know that I feel in my head that our family is complete. I just want a BABY, not another son/daughter....iyswim?

I just need someone to help me get past the broodiness, because it's starting to hurt.

Thank you. Sorry for the essay

I think it's perfectly sensible to want to give your child the gift of a sibling. I have four dcs and took my broodiness very seriously.

I know...but I can't, that's my trouble. So I just need to try and get through it

I have no experience of adoption but it sounds like this feeling won't go away easily. Is it possible to start the process anyway? I just think if you ignore it now, and the feeling only gets stronger, you might regret not at least trying.

We can start the process again, but it is at least 8 months until the next available prep group, and that is literally just the start of it....and the thing is, it would be very unfair of us to embark on that process without committing to it properly...I really don't think I want another child...I just want another baby. For the first time, I wish I could just get pregnant so I could just have one... It's very different with adoption, because it's not about you as a parent, it's about the child...and if I'm going into this with the wrong outcome in mind (ie a lovely snuggly cuddly baby) and not really committing to wanting to adopt a child, then that's absolutely not the righ things to do. So while I am in this frame of mind, adopting isn't right for us right now. I know that. I think that's why I'm so sad...because I genuinely can't see a way round it. I just have to feel it, and hope it goes away.

I don't think you are being silly. I am in a different, yet similar situation, in that I had DS naturally, and I have just given up TTC a second. I have thought about how to move on a lot. The conclusion I have come to, for me, is that I will always feel sad about not having another one, but very grateful for the amazing child I do have. I have decided to get back into a hobby I had to give up due to lack of time, when I had DS. Hopefully by having another focus for my energy I will be distracted, and eventually it will pass. Apologies if this makes no sense!