How to come to terms with it?

[JustAnotherSod]

I just don't know how to move forward - I am infertile. Just writing that almost breaks me into tiny pieces and I just can't seem to move forward in life knowing that I can never hold my own child. I have even stopped wanting to have sex with DH as each time we do my hope rises that this time, just this time, maybe the doctors have got it wrong and by some miracle a pregnancy will result.

We know the infertility is down to me - a birth defect means I don't produce the hormones required to ovulate and also means that my reproductive system is mis-structured. I have sought medical treatment, nothing has worked and I don't qualify for any more NHS treatment and the private costs are so far out of the realm of affordability for us.

My dreams are torturing me, in them I regularly am giving birth to a baby or even twins, triplets, quads, or even more, and each time I wake up and realise the truth another piece of my crumbles.

I am 31, 32 soon, and everyone at works seems to think I should be having a baby any time, how do I tell them I would give anything to?

How do I come to terms with this, I know in many ways I am truly blessed, I have a wonderful and supportive husband, a lovely family and dote on my niece and nephew but just can't shake the feeling that I have failed. What do I do?

It made me really sad to read your post, Just and I am so sorry that you are having to face such a painful situation. I have often wondered how to come to terms with infertility myself as I am almost 36, have been trying for nearly 2 years and there seem to be quite a few issues with my reproductive system that I'm not sure if they can be resolved...

What I would say is that, no matter how unlikely your prospects might appear right now, please don't give up hope altogether. Time is on your side and I know at least two friends who were considered infertile and managed to have a baby through egg donors. If the NHS won't fund it, I'd suggest looking into Spanish fertility clinics. They are some of the best in the world and treatments there cost a fraction of the price than in the UK.

I know that you probably feel that there is nothing left to do but you're not alone and there are options out there. The one thing you musn't do is blame yourself...you have not failed at all; your body has failed you and for that, there is no blame...it's just the cards you've been dealt through no fault of your own. You are and always will be a whole person regardless of your reproductive capacity and I really hope that you and your DH will find a way to fight this together and support each other through it.

Hugs from me...

I don't think you should "come to terms with it" if you want a baby that much. You are only 31. Do you work? If so, start saving. And maybe consider using donor eggs. If you really can't bear people asking you when you are going to have a baby, then tell them you have fertility problems. You would be amazed at how many others do, too.

Yes I second 'do not come to terms with it'. Took me 10 years but now am 27 weeks pregnant. Sign up for trials, save like a lunatic, do not be defeated.

Assume you have tried clomid? Why have you gone as far as you can on the NHS? Has it extended to ivf / icsi? Sorry to pry but you are only 31! You have so much time. Please do not despair. Tell us more.

Looking at some of the questions you pose:

"how do I tell them I would give anything to?" - you have a few options, 1) put up with the continual pain of people asking, 2) tell people and cope with the initial pitying and inappropriate advice, 3) tell only a few close friends/family and hope that they will be able to ward off others, 4) lie and say you don't want children. There may be other options, but only you know what will know what will help you the best.

"How do I come to terms with this" - you have to decide if you want to come to terms with it yet, or whether you want to continue the battle? Have you considered councelling?

"just can't shake the feeling that I have failed" - you need to know that you have not failed, you have not failed anyone, you have not failed yourself. Infertility can make a person feel like their body is failing them, but it is not failure. Your dream has not come true (yet?), the question is can you change your dream to include other options?

"What do I do?" - You need to look at what options you want to keep and what you want to change. Can you consider the option of adoption?, can you consider te option of living a fullfilling life without children in your life? can you consider the option of working hard and making sacrifices in order to take the risk of private treatment?

The problem with infertility is that it is very hard to come to terms with. Councelling would probrably be a good idea, it would help you look at the options available for you. Folks here are saying don't give up yet, only you know if that is right for you. You sound like you are not ready to give up on hope of your own baby. I hope that you are able to find the money somehow for private treatment if this is the case.

Thanks for your responses - sorry to have posted and run, it was just too much to bear last night and I needed to vent.

I have had clomid - 9 months of increasing doses - which achieved nothing but making me ill - no sign of hormone peaks at all therefore no ovulation. Because of this, the NHS doctor has decided I don't qualify for any more treatment - I am currently seeking to argue this but it all feels so hopeless.

I've even begged DH to leave to find someone else who he can have children with, but he says he doesn't want to. I live in fear of him resenting me for being so useless, and I sway between feeling so angry (with my own mum, with myself and with the world) and just feeling so very, very hopeless.

I think counselling may be the way to go - I was referred to counselling before through the fertility clinic but it takes place in the maternity hospital and I couldn't fae walking through the door.

no injectables at all? How did the monitor you? Via scans or blood tests? Also 9 months of clomid with no response is insane. Can you change consultant? I am confused and upset on your behalf.

I did clomid - nothing. It's not some amazing fertility panacea but it does work for some...

I would fight the NHS on this until you are convinced they have done all they can.

Sorry need to qualify that - treating you for 9 months with no response is insane... Just MAD

Instead of being angry with everyone, you need to channel your energies into something positive. Find out as much as you can about your infertility, ie what your AFC is (this is crucial!), AMH, Inhibin B... these will all be indicators of your ability to get pregnant.

Once you know what the problem is, then decide how much you want a baby. If you can't imagine life without one, then give up on all treats, holidays, etc. and save like crazy for IVF.

That's my advice from someone who has been there.

Neither of us have kids - I think I have been stupid in not pushing the hospital further. I have been seeing the Endrocrinologist for the past few years and he is downirght awful - told me when I first saw him to give up any hope of ever having my own children and I think I have always had that at the back of my mind so haven't wanted to be too forceful. I am going to make a GP appt in the morning and ask that he refer to me to another fertility unit - you are all right, I can't give up without trying some more.

Many thanks for your responses, I have snapped out of the downer I was on last night and can see a chink of light.

OP, do you ovulate?

Marie, no I don't - my pituatry gland is 'mis-shapen' and doesn't produce LSH or FSH hormones (I think that's what the Dr called them) - there is never the surges of hormones which would lead to ovulation. I do occasionally (1 in last 14 months) get AF - but Dr never been able to explain why???

Then standard IVF will not help you, you need donor eggs. Do you have any sisters or close female friends who could donate for you?

Please don't take this one Endocrinologist's word for it, seek a 2nd opinion - that is your right. I was told we would never conceive without invasive, irreversible surgery. I was devastated and like you envisaged a childless future.

But I sought a second opinion and was offered an alternative route, and we conceived via IVF and are now parents to our most beloved baby.

It is such a dark place, trying to come to terms with infertility. But you do have options and if you are getting nowhere with your current Dr, ask to see a different one.

I have been in a similar place, to the point where a visit to the supermarket would have me in tears if I walked past the baby food aisle.

Like everyone else has said, dont give up. Keep pushing. There are options open to you, including donor eggs. There are huge advances being made all the time in fertility treatment.

Research, find out, investigate. Don't presume that doctors know everything because they don't.

You are also young enough to push for adoption if you felt you were able to open your hearts to a child that needs you. It wasn't an option for us as we were too old and would therefore not have qualified for a child under one.