"Fathers cannot hide. They have a job to do" Interesting article in the Times

[Portofino]

Here

I have to admit that I have never given any thought to the birth fathers when these terrible stories appear.

I think there are two sides - yes, I think fathers should make the effort to keep in touch with their children, and they are as much their responsibility as the mother's, but parts of the article worried me, in particular the advice to keep harrassing the mother until contact is achieved - what if the father was abusive? What about the mothers who are trying to keep their children safe from their fathers?

Yes an interesting article. However, I know of two men who fathered babies when they were teenagers. The relationships broke down, the ILs made things difficult, the mothers moved on to new parters who effectively took up the role of father.

As a parent I can't imagine not fighting tooth and nail to keep in touch with my child but if I was a young father who felt guilty about the relationship break down perhaps it is easier to walk away and try to forget...

And it's interesting that she only talks about fathers - what about that recent case of a young girl abused and killed by her mother's partner who then went on to hang himself. I can't imagine in what scenario I would feel that I could let my young child go off on overnight trips with a man I had only known for a short while but the media seems to have shyed away from asking any awkward questions in that particular case...

Yes, I think she's right: thanks Portofino, that's very interesting.

think it's a great thought provoking article...thanks for linking porto

I totally understand the point that some fathers probably should NOT be involved with their children, but it is hard to weigh that up against the argument there that BOTH parents are equally responsible and should remain so.

I do agree with that in principle and do think if some people thought harder about that responsibility before having children, the world would be better for it. But there are so MANY "buts".....

Yes I think there are a lot of qualifications too (eg the harrassment problem mentioned above), but the principle is very sound.

harassment

dullard

In general I agree that fathers should remain in cntact with their children. I do not know the specific facts about things like 'access' for the biological father in this case to comment furher.

However, I agree with BertieBotts/DecorHate it is sometimes very difficult for fathers to have access to their children and telling someone to 'hassle' the mother leaves me feeling uneasy. Indeed, if a father did hassle the mother because he feared for the safety of a child I suspect the mother might complain to the authorities and ask for his access to be cut off all together.

As I say, I am not commenting at all on this specific case, just a general observation that circumstances are not always as clear cut, easy and ideal as we would like.

I fail to understand, what if anything my DH could do if he suspected SD was being abused. He has no parental responsibility and I doubt SS would help either (given that his ex's mother works for them), would the police take him seriously? He's had to fight tooth and nail for the very limited access he's allowed, ex will not put him on the birth cert., and we can't afford to go back to court for PR as yet.

If he suspected abuse and refused to take her back he would be done for abduction.

Message withdrawn

I think I would rather go to prison than see my child hurt in anyway!

I don't think the journo means "hassling" in the sense of "harrassing". The father she mentions with approval is one who rang SS when he feared that his child was in danger. So yes, basically all those things dilemma mentions.

The father in the present case did nothing at all, but is now very vociferously blaming social workers because they didn't do enough. Seems a definite case of pot and kettle. If he had voiced his concerns perhaps they might have done more.

I thought this was a great article.

I often where the natural fathers are and wasn't impressed by Khyra's father blaming SS when he could have been more of a father himself. What the article did say that surprised me was that Baby P's father had seen Baby P just days before his death and subsequently demanded £200k compensation from Haringey Council.

The article is over-simplistic but the conclusion is well put:

'men who turn aside from this duty should be looked at askance, stigmatised as dishonest weaklings. Not excused as ?babyfathers? or written off as mistakes. If you can?t face the potential responsibility of fatherhood, then get a vasectomy or stay home with a pile of porn mags and a rubber doll. For all our breezy liberalism, sex is more than a game. It is a fount of new, slow-growing, vulnerable human lives.'

Thanks for posting this. I read it yesterday and it really stuck with me. I thought the same about baby Peter's father but thought I was in a silent minority. Probably wouldn't have given it a second thought before becoming a mum but I now feel passionately about the need to keep little ones safe.

I'm really interested in others' views on this as I'm a little concerned I'm seeing this from an altogether one-sided perspective.

An interesting article BUT I can think of several instances where the non-resident parent has raised concerns with the police/social services etc and it has not made a blind bit of difference. I also think it is virtually impossible for the non-resident parent to even see a child if the other (parent) is determined to prevent it. But yes, there are a large number of -spineless- -weaklings- poor fathers who abdicate their responsibilities out there.

spineless weaklings

Hmm my eldest daughters father has never laid eyes on her in 10 years, he never misses a child support payment though.
From my point of view it is absolutely the best thing, I met my DH when DD1 was 11 months old, we're married have three other children and I would hate for her to be disappearing every other weekend to spend time with a man I only knew for 2 years prior to conception and children were never discussed so i have no idea of his methods/opinions.
I will encourage her to seek him out when she's older, she has an email address for him but has never chosen to write (she could if she wanted to), for now all is settled and that's the way I want it to stay.
Might be different if I wasn't married though.

Pressed return to quickly.
Equally however he has no clue how she is being treated or what is happening in her life which I find really odd, if you cared enough to send money wouldn't you care enough to check the child is well ?
He's a successful educated man and yet this doesn't seem to have crossed his mind.

That is very sad Milly!