'I gave back my adopted baby'

[LetThereBeRock]

I've just read this article from the Guardian about a mother who gave back her adopted son because she didn't/couldn't bond with him.

I'm planning on adopting in the near future and I'm curious to know what others think of her story.

Apologies if this has been discussed already.

Attachment issues can cause a really big problem. One reason that adoptions here tend to break down after a number of years is that the attachment problems are created often in the first 2 years of life. However, once a child with RAD gets to be 10 years or older it is difficult to handle the situation.

It obviously varies from child to child, but I accept that people who adopt children from care face particular problems.

Obviously this does not apply when a child is abandoned at a hospital and then almost immediately adopted.

However, to have a policy where we accept (using the Maudsley figures) 29% of adoptions will fail in my view is unacceptable.

That is around 1,000 children a year returning to care from adoption in England alone.

(if the figure of 29% is applied to the number being adopted)

The other thing adoptive families have to handle is the child's frequent desire to be reunited with their birth family. There is a TV programme about this in the USA.

abc.go.com/shows/find-my-family

Well, I'd shocked if all this hadn't been pointed out to her.
But some people just won't listen will they?
They have unrealisitic expectations. It won't happen to me, syndrome.
I think, also, some religious organisations are very keen on adoptions and perhaps underplay the pitfalls.

I'm glad your experiences were positive though

I think she is very selfish and almost cried for that little boy. You should not adopt if in the back of your head you feel you have a 'give the kid back' option, its suppost to be permenant. This is a child we are talking about, a poor abandoned little boy who has been abandoned again

I don't know how she is smiling, posing with her kids on that photo TBH, I would be ashamed.

I returned a PUPPY a few months ago over some stupid issue and I still cry over her now nd regret it and am extremely ashamed of the fact I returned her. how could yu do that to a child.

johnhemming - the evidence is that children being adopted from care and thise from abroad have similar otcomes in terms of failure.
The woman in this article had not adopted from care.
In fact if you look up the research by Micheal Rutter, you'll see the analogies he makes to children living in abusive situations and hcildren being adopted from abroad. The ( sometime irreperable) damage is done in those first months.

Presumably the child had been in some kind of care in his home country?

I guess what I'm saying is that whilst I accept the figures in respect of breakdown are shocking, the alternative is not to leave children with abusive parents where outcomes will be no better.

Edam - yes, I'm assuming he would have been in an orphanage pending adoption.

When I make the distinction between children 'in care' in this country..it's because I mean the children will have been removed due to child protection issues. Whereas children adopted from abroad are often orphans or abandonned.
Although, actually in Romania they were neither in that it was a state policy to have chiildren placed in the state's care. There was a saying at the time 'one for me, and one for Romania.' Women had little or no choice.
That many of these children were adopted as 'orphans' is a national disgrace and is no longer permitted in Romania.

johnhemming - the evidence is that children being adopted from care and thise from abroad have similar otcomes in terms of failure.

I am trying to get the original Maudsley research. I would be interested in the research you refer to as well.

"the alternative is not to leave children with abusive parents where outcomes will be no better."

That may be true, but the Danish system is quite different. We should not process children through the adoption mill willy nilly. This doesn't happen even in Scotland which is still more inclined towards adoption than Denmark.

As someone who has a natural science background I find the lack of attention to proper research statistics in this area worrying.

I am crap at links .
But a good start is the radio four broadcast from 4th November about Micheal Rutter's study. On the website you'll then find a host of links about children adopted from Romania but also children adopted from care in this country.

I agree that the research in this country is pitiful. Rutter makes the point that it would be very interesting to do the brain scans on chikldren living in neglect in this country. He thinks the results may be very similar to the Romanian study and I fear he is right.

As for the Danish system, yes I think we have a lot to learn. Also the German system of small care homes as opposed to foster care is very interesting.
But then we would have to swallow th bitter pill of earlier and more frequent interevention which I'm not sure this country has either the stomach nor the purse for.

A lot of people do have a romanticised view of adoption though.

Have seen it even on here people saying things like "well we can always adopt" when talking about potential fertility problems, or suggesting other people might like to adopt, followed by "because there are so many children out there in need of loving homes," almost in the same way as you might talk about going to the local animal shelter and picking out a puppy or a kitten.

The problem with failed adoptions is that it's something that isn't talked about, so it's impossible to know just how common it really is for adoption to go wrong.

Personally I know of two people who have had failed adoptions. One was my dh's boss, who adopted a little girl, and who then gave her back after a year because she apparently didn't get on with her biological child, and the other was someone my mum worked with who adopted a sibling group of three, and who ended up giving one of them back due to the issues he had - I don't know all the details, but afaik they were deeply damaged children, and in the case of one of them this resulted in serious violent outbursts etc. But this has now meant that the sibling group has been broken up, as they have kept two of the children and given one back into care.

I imagine though that it's difficult to talk about these things because of the judgements that you will incur from your peers. I know my dh's boss was given a very hard time after she gave back her adopted child, although my dh had left the company at that point, but according to one of his colleagues, she had pretty much lost all respect from everyone who worked there.

The woman in this article certainly didn't seem to know what she was getting into. And I certainly don't think that going on chat shows and writing articles shows her in a good light.

But if we disregard the way in which she has handled herself, it does give out a message - that adoption does go wrong, and this is perhaps something that people need to be aware of and that needs addressing.

Agree that failed adoptions should be talked about more - but I could not help feeling furious reading the guardian article - it was all about her and her feelings, damn all about the little boy.

edam the post was about another couple and what they did and how they were treated.

I think if you set out to adopt then rather than thinking 'I want a daughter to go shopping with / learn ballet / love and cuddle, I want another baby to complete our family, I want a brother for my son' you have to instead be of the mindset 'I want to help a potentially damaged child, who will have issues with abandonment, trust, boundries to grow up in a safe and secure environment whilst feeling cared for.

Wannebe - you are completely right.
I think social policy in this country has been of the view that love overcomes everything.
That if we place children in loving, middle class homes all will be well.
This completely ignores the fact that many of these children will be irreperably damaged by what they have suffered. Also many will have genetic problems, inherited from their birth families.

Now none of this precludes successful adotion, but it does need to be talked about and recognised in the way it is widely accepted that foster care is a very difficult option.

What this woman did was a disgrace. She trans nationally and interacially adopted a baby (1 year old) while pregnant with her 4th child and during his stay with her had a 5th child. She then gave him away 18/24 months later. He was always going to face big challenges and she needed to make the time and space to help him.

She was in affect a lone parent of 6, and if you read the article it reads like a personal project, all about her. I honestly can't get over it, she has written several articles and been on TV about it. Why isn't she ashamed?

I realise love isn't always enough but to be honest it doesn't read like she offered enough of that.

Sorry this is such a jumble but I have so many problems with this article. It should not be used as a lesson for people who want to adopt, well other than for social workers to avoid this kind of person.

She sounds to me like an attention seeker. I would have imagined that whilst she was having all her biological DCs and adopting at the same time she had a lot of comments along the lines "isn't she so brave taking on another baby", blah, blah, blah.

Once, however, she noticed that he was too much like hard work she just gave him up. I think his "attachment issues" were her "get out of jail" card.

Now, again, she is getting a lot attention from it - on chat shows and in the press.

TBH the whole adoption system in the US sounds crap. I am pretty sure that someone like her wouldn't be allowed to adopt over here.

I'm reluctant to judge her on the basis of a newspaper article. But she sounds almost as though she had PND. It's not uncommon to struggle to bond with your child, particularly if you have PND or the child has problems.

And if the father is absent he might not have any real understanding of the problems, then it's not surprising that coming home could be a very rude awakening for him and lead to more problems. I would not be surprised if part of the problem between him and her were due to him feeling that the newcomer was harming his wife, that the newcomer wasn't there by right, as with birth children, and that therefore the newcomer should not be allowed to control the family's life. Quite possibly a 'get him out' situation.

She says she was well-supported, but I'm not convinced.

In response to the OP, yes if you adopt you are at risk of a having a child with serious issues and having difficulty bonding. That is why adopting is a bit scary. There are no guarantees. But then thousands of parents and children every year do in fact manage to adopt each other to some degree successfully. In our view it was a risk worth taking. And post adoption support and attachment therapy is getting better in the UK every year.

A lot of adoptions have broken down but I would be interested to see better research. Even 10 years ago post adoption support and preparation was very patchy, even on our prep course 4 years ago the words "attachment disorder" were never mentioned. We had to research it all ourselves and I know many of the other prospective parents didn't read anything on the reading list. If you have been told "love is all they need" you are set up for failure.

its sad, i think some people take adopting very light hearted. recently it turned into trend, imo. im sorry if it sounds harsh for those who adopted children for different reason.
i think, she was not ready or was not prepared for the whole process at all.
poor child, he needs loving parents and family.

The kids sound as charming as her - not looking up from the TV to say goodbye to their little 'brother'.

Sounds to me like they have attachment issues too.

It's not really surprising that the girls did not react to their brother's departure. If their parents did not model attached behaviour, how are the girls to be expected to become attached to a child who shows them no attachment?

Besides, don't you think it coudl be quite frightening for those girls? "If mom and dad gave Ben away...how safe are we? Perhaps it's better not to make a fuss..."

quite. Should imagine the impact of that decision will stay with her daughters for a very long time.

Or possibly he was treated as the cuckoo in the nest, the 'problem' child so they were glad to see him go. Whatever, it's all desperately sad and desperately selfish on the mother's part.

litchik thanks for pointing out Rutter's interview. It was very interesting.

The point that he made was that the institutional neglect had no detectable effect on those babies that left the institution before 6 months, but affected 40% of the children who remained until the end of their first year.

That is a particularly interesting piece of information. Whereas previously I had accepted that some of the RAD problems in children taken into care at a young age would have been caused by their parents' neglect, the evidence from this is that for children taken into care before 6 months that this is not the case. Furthermore that the treatment of the children at age 6-18 months is key here.