'I gave back my adopted baby'

[LetThereBeRock]

I've just read this article from the Guardian about a mother who gave back her adopted son because she didn't/couldn't bond with him.

I'm planning on adopting in the near future and I'm curious to know what others think of her story.

Apologies if this has been discussed already.

Ok I'll tell you what happened - not that you will believe it but I'm always up for a challenge. Of course the parents didn't jyst let us watch - they told us to Fuck off several times and slammed the door in our face. If a police officer had not been with me I would have had to leave. However the p.o was able to use her authority to get them to let us in and while she dealt with the parents I went in search of the children. There was evidence of the flat being smashed up - furniture overturned and items of household equipment on the floor. There was also evidence of holes being punched in the walls probably done on previous occasions.The mother blamed the boy friend and said he was a heroin addict and was violent because he needed a fix..............the boy friend stormed off with some choice language to us.........he was not the father of the children. I comforted the children and talked to the mother (who by now was a bit calmer ) and said I was concerned about thechildren and the state of the flat etc. The mother cried and said she was depressed and was fed up with the violent boyfriend. I asked her if there was anyone in the family who could care for the children while we tried to sort out what was happening in the family. She said her mother would probably have them.

Later another sw visited the grandmother but she did not appear suitable to care for the children because she was not at all keen and her flat was full of youths all smoking pot. SO we had to return and ask the mother if she would give her consent for the children to be placed with foster carers. By this time a family support worker had arrived and was cleaning up the children and feeding them as the mother was sitting smoking, head in hands and was more concerned about the whereabouts of her boyfriend than the children. We had to advise the mother that if she did not give her permission for her children to be cared for in a safe way we would be applying for an Emergency Protection Order, and she did eventually give her consent.

At 9.00 pm that night we took the children to a foster carer. OK?

I got home at 10.15 p.m.tired, hungry and stressed, and was at my desk for 9.000 the next morning.

At the risk of repeating myself social workers are involved with situations like this every working day - there is absolutely nothing unusual about what I describe. It is a "bread and butter" case of any child protection team. Again I think the fact that yu find it so difficult to believe that things like this actually happen says it all.

How disappointing Cory that you have chosen not to respond to the issues I raised with you in what I think was a rational manner.

AND come on JH I'm still waiting for your response.

To be honest Dittany, I often have to visit the kids as part of the care proceedings and someof the set ups are appalling.
Filth like you've never seen, drugs equipment laying openly about the place.
And sometimes the parents do behave shockingly to their children in front of you.
I don't think they register they're doing it, or else it's just part and parcel of normal day.

So although Nina might have used her example as a shock tactic I would accept it as the truth.

As for what you do...well,I'm no social worker, but I try to diffuse the situation. But you have to be bloody careful because sometimes they turn on you. I've been battered a few times over the years.
If it gets seriously out of hand, I make my excuses and call the police/ss as soon as I'm out of the door.

I have no doubt that SWs have to deal with violent and frightening situations regularly, I'm not quite sure of the relevance of that story to this thread though.

dittany - i don't know if nananina offered to take this woman to a refuge. i know i have in the past and been told they don't want to go. not always that politely. some people do prioritise their partner/lifestyle over their children and don't actually want to accept any support/help to change their situation - although they may change their mind at a later date of course.

i appreciate that many people don't know the type of situations social workers deal with every day.

i think it would also come as a surprise to many on mn that a lot of children are in care because their parents have decided they don't want them. i have lost track of the number of times i have been told 's/he's not my responsibility' by a parent. amazing how often it happens on a friday afternoon too!

Again, ceres, I don't actually think people on MN are unaware that an awful lot of children desperately need protecting by the care system. The problem arises when people like NN in the system try to shout down those who have concerns about a small number of children who may be wrongfully taken - a small number but no less devastating for those children and their families.

dittany - i actually find it quite difficult to enter into rational discussion with you. there is a big difference in stating that i appreciate that many people don't know the type of situations social workers deal with every day and CLAIMING that people don't know what the job entails. i was simply acknowledging that much of the work we do is not in the public consciousness, i certainly knew very little about social work until i was actually doing it. even my training didn't prepare me for the reality.

i was responding to posts here, i am not trying to turn this discussion.

it is difficult to arrest men, or anyone, for violence if the victim of that violence refuses to press charges.

[offers ceres a manly pat]

and just to add - i personally have never denied that mistakes are made, i believe taking children wrongfully into care is just as wrong as failing to protect children who should be taken into care.

but it is not rational to exaggerate the mistakes that are made and to deny the good work that is done in a daily basis.

of course improvements need to be made. i acknowledge that and try to actively contribute to the process of change - which often feels like bashing your head on the wall. many people in higher management are far removed from practice, have no idea of the real issues - and have little interst in hearing about them. but many of us do persist.

thanks sophable!

dittany - i addressed the post to you based on your post directed to me.

i won't address any further posts to you as i really do find your manner antagonistic and feel you are not interested into entering into a rational and civilised discussion.

I don't know why this is bieng turned into the claim that people don't know the situations that social workers face, just because I pointed out that the way NanaNina was telling the story didn't ring true. I was right. Something different happened.

Ceres, if these violent men were being arrested instead of allowed to leave the scene of their crimes the issue wouldn't even arise.

I think your posts are entirely reasonable ceres and it is reassuring to have your balance input on the thread. I think there is a difference between exaggerating the mistakes made in the system and trying to argue the same point that there are flaws again and again because a particular poster is denying it over and over.

dittany, sorry - i originally posted to you as i was picking up on the discussion between you and nananina about why she hadn't taken the woman concerned to a refuge. i directed it to you as i was offering my personal experience of similar situations.

i am sorry of you think that it was inapproriate to direct the post to you.

pofaced - thank you. it is a difficult subject to discuss and all too easy to get carried away.

dittany - i have apologised. perhaps we could agree to not keep rehashing why the misunderstanding occurred in the first place?

i accept that you felt it was inappropriate of me to address mt first post to you. i have explained why i did so and, once again, i apologise as this was obviously not the right thing to do. i am fairly new to chat forums and maybe need to brush up on the etiquette!

Oh dittany - you are SO determined to discredit my account. I WAS actually there when the violence was taking place. The couple continued to scream and shout and throw things at each other. This went on for quite a while before the hoyfriend left the flat, and the couple were both involved in throwing things at the walls and each other. The children WERE in the situation I described.

I did not offer to take the mother to a refuge because it was clear that the children were not safe in her care. The state they were in was evidence that there was serious concern about neglect. The children were thin with matted hair and the baby had appalling nappy rash. There was very little food in the house and the children's bedding was urine soaked. More importantly they were afraid and made aboslutely no attempt to approach their mother when I carried them into the room where she was sitting, neither did she make any attempt to attend to them,nor comfort them. She appeared totally disinterested in them and her main concern was the whereabouts of her boyfriend. Given these circumstances it would not have been safe to leave these children in her care.

Not that you will believe me but I will tell you what happened next. The mother and the boyfriend split up and the mother went for a residential assessment with both children. After a few days she left the unit, without the children as she didn't like the "fucking staff" and resumed her relationship with the boyfriend again. The children were eventually placed with a relative on a long term basis.

I'm really tired of trying to respond to you because it is pointless - you are intent on discrediting me at every turn and of course YOU have all the answers don't you, even from a position of knowing nothing about how the system works.

This thread is getting a bit mixed up I think and it is probably near the time to depart.