Lap dancing, anyone?

[KHS]

Did any of you see this article:
www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/mar/08/sex-industry-lap-dancing

Just wondering how many of you know men who visit lap dancing clubs and think nothing of it?

I was gobsmacked to find that my husband and some fellow mums' hubbies had spent hundreds of pounds in one the other night. My blood is boiling on so many levels - not only did he go out and spend money we definitely do not have - it was also a major breach of trust between us. I really thought he'd see how tacky and awful those places are and say no - what a sheep! And the worst of it is that he didn't realise how degrading it is - both for me to know someone else dangled her naked bits in his leering face, but also how unglamorous and vile lap dancing really is for a lot of the women who do it. Believe me, he knows now - don't think he'll ever go near one again. But it got me thinking - is this really as common as it seems nowadays? How do you feel about it? I'd really like to hear others' experiences.

There's a campaign to have lap dancing clubs licensed like sex clubs rather than pubs/cafes (!), which could stop them mushrooming up everywhere. Have a look and sign this if you agree: www.object.org.uk/LapDancingGetInvolved.html

I hate them. DH went in one when on a stag do. It makes me sick to think of it. I could have divorced him when I found out - was incensed.

I am sure there will be several MNers who will come along & say they have no problem with their OHs going to these places; that they are secure enough in their own relationships and comfortable with their own bodies so have no issues. However, I believe they are vile places. Degrading is a good word KHS. It is degrading for the women parading themselves about naked for the sexual stimulation of men. It degrades the wives of these men.

I personally do not see how going to a lap dancing club & having a woman's fanjo and norks rubbed up against your face/crotch is actually any different to going to a nightclub, dancing with a woman & then having a fumble with her. Oh yes, in the first one you are paying for the pleasure.

Makes me want to hurl.

I work for a text messaging service and we get lots of questions about the whereabouts of lap dancing clubs. It is very, very prevalent, esp among younger men. Younger women also seem to 'approve' of lap dancing and see it as a valid career choice. It is very worrying to me (mother of a girl) that it is so 'normal' and that anyone can set up a lap dancing club more or less anywhere.

Feminism is seen as prudish, almost taboo in the UK now. Porn is seen as empowering women fgs. How the hell did we here?

doesnt bother me in the slightest

In a word? Capitalism is how we got here. I think anyway. Somehow we've accepted the idea that anything can be bought and sold, even women's bodies, at any cost - monetary or emotional. Apparently Tesco sells pole dancing kits for little girls! HELLO?

My husband tried to defend these places by saying that the dancers make a killing and are somehow taking advantage of the men. But if your read some of the testimonies by lap dancers in the article I linked to and the Object website, you can see that this just isn't true. Lots of women end up owing money to the club for outfits they are forced to buy to perform in or missed pole dances etc, and they have absolutely no job protection.

They also say that the idea that there is no physical contact between the dancers and the men is bollocks - that's how they make their money because the men will pay for another dance if they get to touch and not for girls who appear to be 'prudes'. So the girls end up feeling like prostitutes, whereas the 'respectable' men in suits with oblivious wives and kids at home see nothing wrong with paying for 'a little bit on the side' every so often because it is so prevalent and socially acceptable.

This stuff is only going to stop if we put our foot down and say that it is wrong, and explain why to our men and our kids. I've made my husband read testimonies by lap dancers, and keep explaining to him why it is wrong on so many levels. For example - how vulnerable does he think those women feel being naked in front of a groups of drunk men who don't care who they are because all they want is a cheap thrill and a hard-on? What does it do to your self esteem doing that every night, nothing but a piece of meat to me prodded and fondled? He looked very ashamed.

Nailpolish says it doesn't bother her in the slightest. Really? Would you really think of lap dancing as a good career choice for your daughter, her friends, your friends, your sister, yourself? Would you not mind your husband sucking some other woman's nipples or touching her bits?

Aaargh I'm so angry about this - banging on about it feels great! Thanks for reading and responding -good to know other's feel the same way as me.

doesnt bother me in the fact that i wouldnt mind dh going
i know what kind of man he is and he would never touch another womans nipples

wouldnt like my daughter being a lapdancer though, i dont care if you think that is double-edged or whatver

wouldnt disown or judge my daughter if she was though

actually dh has been in the past and he told me all about it
sounds boring if you ask me
i have a female friend who goes to these clubs with her dh

My BIL went to one for his stag 'do' he said some of the women in there were really average and 'normal' he said he saw some stretch marks and cellulite and even a fold of skin or two, he told me sister this as she was worried he would go there and see stunning, perfect women all long legs and huge boobs. I think it made her feel better.

I would split up with dp if he went to one, he would go to one i don't think he would want to. I trust him 100% but i am not confident in my own body to be happy with him looking at others.

I don't think it has anything to do with being confident in your own body or not; I don't equate it with infidelity; I just think it is a very degrading thing to do. Men are paying for women to strip and "dance" for them - that gives them an element of ownership over the women which I find repulsive. The lairy behaviour of men near the clubs that the journalist reported was horrible. Grim that any women could equate it with empowerment and hilarious that they object to clubs being categorised as sex industry venues.

I would be very unhappy if any male friend, including DP, went to a lap-dancing club. It is tawdry and vulgar in the extreme, not to mention deeply degrading for those watching as well as those performing. Personally, I couldn't respect anyone who thinks it's ok to demean another person in this way.

As for the feminist issue - I wouldn't know where to begin to fix the attitudes of young women (and yound men) that shagging around and sex industry as valid career choice is ever going to be empowering. I just feel very depressed that the whole feminist movement seems to have been for nothing.

An example of "dancing" is:

frotting - short for frottage beachlover - it means rubbing oneself on another for sexual kicks.

In this case it refers to the women's rubbing their vulvas on the genital area of the men who have paid extra for a 'private' dance - the sexual kicks are feigned.

The man will still be fully clothed, the women may or may not be wearing knickers. The man may or may not be allowed to take his penis out and masturbate, to orgasm or not, while the girl is either 'on' him or at a further distance, 'dancing'.

Dancing can mean dancing, or bending over to self-penetrate anally or vaginally with an object, dildo, or her fingers/hand.

Nice

According to Peter Stringfellow, none of what you have described is actually a "sex encounter".

Oh yeah.

Gross IMO. Wouldn't like DH to go to clubs. He doesn't go because he knows i wouldn't like it.

Guys from work go and get up to stuff with the dancers and don't tell their wives. They tell DH what the wife doesn't know won't hurt them. Nice

It is gross and I would have issues with the men in my life going.

The really sad thing is that it is so mainstream now. No stag night is complete without a trip to a lapdancing club. Or more often a weekend in a city well known for stripping and prostitution.

I know some of DH's friends are dead keen, some can take or leave it, and some (like DH) find the whole thing excrutiating and spend the evening hiding at the bar.

He ended up going on a couple if stags where they went to strippy places - he went the first time for the weekend and went along, went the second and went and did other things while they went to teh clubs, now he has a child he makes his excuses and doesn't go on stags at all.

The problem is that a lot of men like to look at naked women and see nothing wrong with it, men are the people with power in this country, and so they have managed to erode things to the point where they can get what they want ie naked women on tap and if you object you are frigid etc. It has all gone very wrong somewhere.

Mind you I read a thing in the Independent today about some of the things happening to women in parts of Africa and it put things into perspective a bit.

I have signed the petition anyway, hope it comes to something.

So do I tell my close friend whose husband went with mine to the lap dancing bar?

The last time I saw her it was their anniversary and she was planning a romantic dinner for him in the evening so it wasn't exactly the right time to spring it on her ...

However it feels a bit weird not to say anything and also I am furious with him as well as DH for not being man enough to say no, let's go somewhere else. Don't feel I can face them again as a couple without it being out in the open. Who knows, maybe she won't mind, but I have a feeling she will...

What would you do? Would you tell your friend? Would you want to be told if it was your hubby?

Callisto: is the text messaging service you work for an adult one, or a general one?

I think that if someone told me that my DH had gone to a lap dancing club with their DH, and that they were livid about it, and they were a close friend, I would be OK with that. I would definitely want to know and would not be upset with my friend for telling me.

As your DH went as well it's an "in it together" type thing IYSWIM.

Would be upset if DH went to a lap dancing club due to the intimacy of the 'dance' although wasn't bothered when he went to a pole dancing place on a small stag do. He did say he went off to play pool though since after a few dances it 'all got a bit samey'.

I was once at a dinner in the City where someone had organised 'surprise strippers' it was just awful. It is not nice at all. I was very junior but I just excused myself and left.

The OP is right to say - "I really thought he'd see how tacky and awful those places are and say no - what a sheep". It is degrading for everyone concerned.

I suspect a lot of men just go along with this kind of thing because they do not want to say something aganst it in front of their mates.

I have no idea why anyone would want to go to a lap dancing club or strip club.

Solidgoldbrass - a general one and I answer questions about any subject you can imagine from all age ranges. Are there such things as adult ones?

Callisto: Yes. (I wasn't having a go or anything, just wondering. BTW are there any vacancies at the one you work on? )

I don't know at the moment, but they quite often have recruitment drives; if you're able to cat me I'll give you the details. (didn't think you were having a go.)