Guardian: Women angry at dads who don't help

[TantieTowie]

So , would be interested for your thoughts on this piece about how angry mothers are getting angry with partners who fail to help.

My OH is the person who does all the day to day cleaning, washing and lots of cooking, so I expected new man type qualities of him when DS was born - and felt quite let down by the reality. But in retrospect I think I was mainly shocked at how little freedom I seemed to have, as a new parent, compared to everyone else in the world, and as that's got better I feel better about the whole thing.

I was just having a look to see if someone had spotted this - and Justine/MN get a good mention. Shame that Julia Hobsbawn manages to get in there as well, though - the very same Julia Hobsbawn who finds the timing of parents' evenings infuriating and so phones the teachers at a time convenient to her instead.

I seem to have one of those DH/DPs who is always more than happy to do stuff, provided it's pointed out exactly what needs doing. And no lateral thinking - so I will ask him to take the rubbish out, he does so quite willingly, but it would never cross his mind to then replace the binbag, unless I ask him to do that as well. It's infuriating as hell.

I do so sympathise with the rage that some of the mothers talk about - in my FT WOHM days I was in a permanent state of bitter resentment at my (now ex-)DH's inability to be proactive about anything to do with the children or house. Now I'm comparatively lucky.

sigh, it's all true sadly and is one of the main reasons british children are the unhappiest in Europe, and the most obese. After all, how many men do you know who leave work at 2.30 to pick up children.

Women need to choose the father of their children very carefully. They either need a rich man so that can afford to be a SAHM or buy good quality childcare, or they need a man who will do 50% of the unpaid work.

Unfortunately, most men fall into the category of not only not earning enough to enable their partners not to work, but also, don't do their 50% of the unpaid work. - the worst type of man to get lumbered with.

No wonder the family breakdown rate is so high. When women don't need men for financial reasons, which even low paid women don't thanks to child tax credits, then the men better make themselves indispensible in other ways.

Is there anyone on this earth more useless than a poorly paid man who won't do his share of domestic chores? I think not.

And no, I'm not Xenia in disguise.

I agree with Justine's comments regarding women's self-imposed pressures - since I began work again, DH has picked up his fair share of the domestic routine, including morning dressing, feeding and school run 3 days in 5.

It's me that had kittens over the fact that DD1's welly sprang a leak, and he chose to fix the situation by putting a carrier bag in her boot.

See, personally, I'd have been hotfooting it down to the 24 hr Tesco in search of something, anything, else.

He just thought "Tesco", and reached for the first available logoed item.

Prior to working, funnily enough, DH and I were at constant loggerheads, now I'm not a SAHM he seems to feel it's some sort of infringement of his male pride for me to do more dishwasher loading or meal-making than him. He still hasn't found the iron, though.

I do remember shouting at DH, who had a child by a previous relationship that 'he could have told me that I would be doing fucking everything'

when DS1 was a few weeks old.

I think it is so difficult because our roles are so blurred,

it used to be equal before kids

then when I was off work it seemed fair enought aht I would do more housework etc unless dh was home then we split it,

so days off are our arguing point.

Also as I do 80% of the childcare I end up making all the decisions re; schooling etc. and tbh I prefer it that way, I have friends who dps want to make all the decisions and I would struggle with that.

Mind I also have many friends who are SAHM, when their dps aren't, are expected to do everything still or who work and still do the majority of house/childwork grrrrrr

Yes, you're right - I thought the bit about cakes was very true - how many men would worry about their failure to bring a cake to the bake sale.

But I still remember my mum making me take an enormous marrow to the school harvest festival - instead of the tins and baskets of fruit that everyone else had - scarred I was!

Still I have a DS and he probably won't care.