Fiona Millar and Alistair Campbell

[KayakingOnDown]

Just reading an extract in the Sunday Times written by Alistair Campbell's wife Fiona Millar, describing their relationship.

She makes much of his mental health issues but she seems to be describing an emotionally abusive relationship. She seems downtrodden, blaming herself for his moods and outbursts. She describes how he would give her the silent treatment for days at a time, often at the start of a holiday, and how at other times he will lash out at her for no reason.

Slightly worrying is the part where she says a psychiatrist told her that Alistair's need for control is so high that he views her as an extension of himself, and that if she doesn't behave the way he wants he to, he 'feels pain'. Wtf?

Malcolm Tucker was modelled on Campbell so this is hardly surprising.

I'm not surprised as I always knew Alistair Campbell was a nasty piece of work - I guess what's surprising is how she outlines a clearly abusive relationship, where she seems totally cowed and subject to this volatile mood swings and outbursts, and is OK with it. Even a psychiatrist advises her to submit and bear it. No blame or responsibility is attached to Campbell.

I remember a piece she wrote in the Guardian years ago in which she referred to him as an “alpha male”.

Unsurprising. V sad.

Wikipedia has her down as his “domestic partner”

If you read his memoirs, he completely owns the fact that his mental health makes him awful to be around. Tony & Cherie offered Fiona support if she wanted to leave him but she chose to stay, and Campbell is in awe of the strength she has to have put up with him.
It's a very complex relationship when one partner has severe depression. I'm not disagreeing with you that it seems to an outsider like she's the victim of abuse.
However, I have a good friend married to a man with chronic depression. They really love each other, and she recognises that her support makes his life much better, and in turn he makes her happy when he's in a good place. She chooses to accept the bad times as pay off for the good. But similarly she could leave if she needed to.
Fiona has a lot of people who would help her if she ever left him. Without being a fly on their wall I personally think she chooses to stay out of love and because when he's in a good place mentally he makes her happy.

When I was in the depths of actual depression I was hell to live with. Others might have described my relationship with my husband as abusive. Looking back I think it may have been.

Also, she supported the political ideology. Having had a previous breakdown he knew the risk to his mental health of taking the job with Tony. Everyone did. It was almost like a fait accompli... he was almost definitely going to sink into manic depression and become unbearable if he took that job. He knew it might cost him his marriage. But he and she both felt the opportunity to undo some of the damage of the Thatcher legacy was worth it.

If you read his memoirs, he completely owns the fact that his mental health makes him awful to be around.

Right. But I'm not sure it excuses being an arse to his wife and children - insulting them, giving the silent treatment for days when he doesnt get his way. E.g. when his wife brought him a ham sandwich he flew off the handle and let rip, yelling at her that he didn't like ham. This was followed by days of silent treatment. She points out (in the book) that ham sandwiches were his favourite but he had suddenly changed his mind on the spot.

It's the behaviour of a two year old, a petulant child. And she was expected to put up with it. And he wasn't expected to modify his behaviour or try to be nicer.

When he was depressed (for long periods) he wasn't able to get out of bed at the weekend. He made no effort with home life. Yet he was able to get up on week days to go to work. There was a lack of respect shown to his wife and children.

Classic abusive behaviour.

I've always thought he seems like a horrible, angry man, but I didn't realise how bad he was to those close to him.

I'm with you op. I struggle to excuse men for their terrible behaviour just because they are depressed, however badly. What he did does sound classically abusive to me. He always came across as a bully, so not all that surprised.

MH issues not an excuse to behave abusively.

Sounds very upsetting.

I’m not sure being depressed (and I’m not minimising depression, I had terrible PND) should be used as an excuse for abusive behaviour