*warning. Distressing* Mum leaves 21 month old in car

[Polymamas]

article here, it is very hard to read

I know this has happened before but what I don't understand is how she got in the car at lunchtime, with her DD still in the carseat, drove to a place for lunch, got back in the car and drove back to work without noticing her daughter.

If she didn't go to her car all day then I can see how it could happen. But how could you get in a car, out again, twice and not see your child?

It's so sad :(

A 21 month old in a hot car all morning may have been unconscious or deceased by lunchtime. Hence, how the child was not noticeable during the lunch time drive. It is very sad and I feel profoundly for the mother

I feel incredibly sad for these parents. DD is 2.5, and is very chatty, plus my rear view mirror is angled at her and when she was rear facing we had a mirror on her seat back that meant I could see her.

Also our car reminds us when we set off and when we get out that there is an activated seat belt in the rear seats. This always reminds me that her seat is belted in. If we had isofix it wouldn’t say it.

I can sort of see how it could happen, particularly if 2yo had fallen asleep in the back and so was quiet.

To get to work, I turn left out of our road, school is the other way. The other week I had ds with me but was on total autopilot thinking of meetings and what I had to do that day so turned left. A little while later a small voice piped up, asking if he was having a day off! Had he not said anything though I could easily have got all the way to work.

I'm not sure what can be gained by convicting her, she's already had the ultimate punishment.

It happened here in Ireland just last year, very close to me. Absolute tragedy. The dad was supposed to drop the baby to creche but it wasn't his regular routine.

Its heartbreaking for both of the parents, something they will never recover from. I drove 35 minutes yesterday with 2 year old twins in the back of the car, they were quiet all the way (it was hot, they were tired) but they weren't asleep.

Its such an easy mistake to make especially when the routine is changed and the fact her mother wants to kill herself shows how this is a tragic accident.

Have been following this thread and was reminded today (in a completely innocuous way that by no way in a million years compares) of how a change in routine affects your actions. Locked myself out of holiday apartment because am used to being able to pop outside without the door locking behind. 300 euros down for locksmith, but my goodness it made me think of the studies and the poor people who have a momentary lapse with the most awful consequences.

It’s easy to come on here spouting dark and cryptic utterances, and intimating that there must, but absolutely must Must MUST be ‘more’ to it than a mere accident.

It’s also very Veey easy to forget the one most important thing in your morning routine if you are tired enough, distracted enough, and multitasking enough... it just is that horrifically easy. Which is what makes it so very terrifying. As the paper explains.

But it’s comforting to believe it’s more than just an accident. That the parent is different to us somehow. That we can blame them somehow. So much less scary.

This is where rear facing car seats are unhelpful. A couple of times I drove past the nursery on my way to work then looked in rear view mirror and suddenly realised I hadn’t dropped off my child.

#DistanceCall - you seem to be suggesting that the mother forgot the child deliberately?

@DistanceCall ^

PigEyedHorseFrightener No, not deliberately at all. Unconsciously, perhaps.

@DistanceCall

“No, not deliberately at all. Unconsciously, perhaps.”

Can you explain why you think this? And why the mother would unconsciously or not, mean to do this to her child?

It’s an unusual interpretation of events, and without any explanation or reasoning, it’s impossible for others to follow...

So you’re suggesting that on some level she wanted her child to die?

We don’t know what the story behind this is. I’m just saying that it’s really difficult, objectively speaking, to miss a child when you are getting in and out of a car.

It took the mother 15 years to conceive her child, and, as I said, we don’t know anything about what her desires or fantasies or thoughts. She may well have been ambivalent about the child without realising. Or she may have unconsciously wanted to hurt herself in the most terrible way possible.

It wasn’t an accident. It was a terrible mistake. And I tend to think that terrible mistakes don’t come out of nowhere.

Poor family. I she should be in a treatment unit, not prison.

Her lawyer has got appallingly flowery language though

This is an interesting but distressing article on similar cases I read a few months ago. In may cases there has been a change in the morning routine that can result in accidents, to do also with the parts of the brain that control routine boring things eg driving to work and other tasks. An awful thing to happen, poor family.

www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/fatal-distraction-forgetting-a-child-in-thebackseat-of-a-car-is-a-horrifying-mistake-is-it-a-crime/2014/06/16/8ae0fe3a-f580-11e3-a3a5-42be35962a52_story.html?utm_term=.14d04076df8b

This used to terrify me when my kids were younger. Tip is to leave your handbag in the rear footwell where the child is. You will instinctively always turn to get the handbag and that massively increases chances of seeing the child.

DH got halfway to work once to hear a little voice from the back say 'aren't I going to nursery today?'. It is so easy to do.

Well I think you’re talking absolute shit DistanceCall and suggesting that the mother somehow wanted this to happen is absolutely cuntish.

PigEyedHorseFrightener thank you for being so polite.

I'm not blaming the mother, and I feel nothing but pity and compassion for her.

I was just pointing up that people - including mothers - have ambivalent feelings, and ambivalent feelings sometimes cause horrible mistakes. There is such a thing as unconscious feelings and thoughts, and they have very real effects - talk to any therapist.

If you think that's "absolute shit" and "cuntish", that's your problem, not mine.

@Dinstancecall it seems that your feelings about this are a self-protection mechanism to convince yourself that you could never make any kind of serious and/or life threatening mistake yourself.

We all wish that were the case that 'I would never do something less than perfect for even a few seconds when looking after a child'. If you're the perfect parent 24/7 forever, then good for you.

heartshapedpositnotes As I said in a previous message, I once made a very serious unconscious mistake involving throwing away money, which would have had very serious consequences for me if I had not managed to solve it in time. It happened for a reason, though (which I understood later).

I don't think anyone is a perfect parent, 24/7 or even for an hour. And accidents - terrible accidents - happen to even the best parents, unfortunately. Random shit happens.

What I am saying is that this is not an accident, it's a horrible mistake. And I'm not playing the blame game - as I said, I only feel pity and compassion for this poor woman, and hope she can manage to rebuild her life. But no, I don't think this sort of mistake (not accident) happens just like that to anyone. It takes a very specific set of circumstances.