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Second Wives - any thoughts?

34 replies

Amanda1 · 07/05/2007 08:04

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WideWebWitch · 07/05/2007 09:08

Is this The Observer article? It makes me tempted to go onto their forum and post what I think of them, they sounded incredibly selfish and self obsessed.

WideWebWitch · 07/05/2007 09:10

Ah yes it is, their site is here, looks crap!

littlelapin · 07/05/2007 09:10

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littlelapin · 07/05/2007 09:11

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Janos · 07/05/2007 11:37

I read that article and those women made me spit blood (not literally but YKWIM). What a bunch of selfish, spoiled brats! That one whining on about not being 'second best' to her partners children. FFS

Mind you, what does that say about the men who've taken up with them?

paulaplumpbottom · 07/05/2007 12:30

What did these women expect? Spoiled and selfish is right. Of course his children come first, as they should.

mamazon · 07/05/2007 12:45

Amanda1 - are you the lady that had that very romantic christmas with the boss? and are younow marrying him? If so WOW! that has made me go all tingly.

sorry i have missed all your updates.

paulaplumpbottom · 07/05/2007 13:32

Does your fiance have children?

Amanda1 · 07/05/2007 19:21

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GiantSquirrelSpotter · 07/05/2007 20:57

I think the second wives club is more or less a refuge for the type of selfish, immature second wives who were being interviewed in this article. I don't think they're representative of second wives in general. Most people have a bit more empathy, insight and common-sense.

Those three are just vile.

poppy34 · 07/05/2007 21:02

Amanda - so glad that there is another normal second wife (To be -congrats) out there.

I read this and was appalled at their attitudes re kids (I'm afraid I do share some of the views on maintenance for spouses but certainly not for kids but its a very tricky area). I'm a second wife with skids. I met my husband when he was seperated and from day 1 it has never ever been a question that his love and commitment for his children is central to his life. So was incredulous reaidng this . I am not saying that skids cannot be difficult ( its a delicate line but its a non negotaiable that love dh , kids are in your life too) but the women who gets jealous - wtf?!

rowan1971 · 07/05/2007 21:07

Is this the same site that was mentioned in the Guardian some time ago? There was an interview with a woman who wanted to inform the world that she didn't love her stepkids, would never love them, and rather wished that they had never been born?

What a delightful bunch of ladies they must be.

paulaplumpbottom · 07/05/2007 21:14

I think the best thing to do is to make sure you are always friendly with his ex. I'm not saying you won't be. I have never spoken to my stepmother but have seen her constantly rub my mother's nose in things. It has been hard for my mom to watch another woman take over a marriage that she was so sure would last forever. I don't believe my mother would have ever been able to forgive her for doing what she did (She blames my father just as much) but I sometimes feel that if my stepmother had tried to be friendly she could have come around to accepting it. Don't try to be her best pal but always smile and say hello and act pleased to see her. Never say a bad word about her in front of her kids, in fact try to be complimentary. I'm sure you'll do these things anyway.

NKF · 07/05/2007 21:16

I read it this morning. I was particularly struck by the woman who didn't run a mile when it turned out that her new boyfriend had an ex-wife wife and kids. I think they'd been together for months before someone told her. He didn't tell her himself.

GiantSquirrelSpotter · 07/05/2007 21:19

Oh yes one did feel a bit gobsmacked by that Lucy was it? She'd been with him a year or so before he told her he was married?

And she believes everything he tells her about his ex?

When one encounters women like this, one realises why it is that men rule the world...

beansprout · 07/05/2007 21:23

Amanda - congratulations!!

I'm a sort of second wife (am technically the first as ds did not marry his ex-p but hey, all the same issues apply).
I think that the article was a shame. There are a lot of issues that come with the territory that are very difficult, but choosing a bunch of bitter, childless women to illustrate some of these really didn't give a very balanced account and just perpetuated a few, unhelpful sterotypes.

poppy34 · 07/05/2007 21:24

did read about lucy -isnt she supposedly some smart type (seem to remember that was referred to in the article) so why didnt she twig something was amiss when he only ever came to her house...

amanda -just to add to paula's sensible comments, if you're unlucky enough to end up in tricky negotiations with his ex (re money, children etc) in future , never say anything in front of the kids. I'm sure you wouldnt but least said soonest mended (however hard it is -and it can be sodding hard) is best policy.

A policy I might hasten to add I cant see any of the women quoted in this article following....

NKF · 07/05/2007 21:26

Well, I did get impression that Lucy was a bit flaky. She didn't even sound particularly annoyed about his lie.

toadstool · 07/05/2007 21:37

Some of the women featured sounded like old-fashioned 'mistresses', not 'second wives' - squabbling over boob jobs, indeed! My own stepmother 1 was horrendous to me, btw, something I only realised fully when I met my truly nice, thoughtful stepmother 2. Yes it is difficult hiding jealousy and resentment from the ex-wife's children, especially if they're visibly not enjoying a visit, or being stroppy, but it helps long-term on all sorts of levels - the children didn't choose the situation, after all, but lal the adults involved did.

Amanda1 · 07/05/2007 21:47

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Judy1234 · 08/05/2007 09:14

I read it- thanks for the link to the Guardian article. One of the most relevant comments was the younger woman saying - I am childless, have never had a child, can't understand the unconditional love her new husband had for his children, wasn't used to every time she tries to speak to him his children interrupt - of course they do, children are like that and if you're used to them either your own or your new husband's then you can accept that but if you've never come in contact with children it's a hard thing to understand.

Also the one who said she didn't realise he was married - I just didn't believe that. She is either an idiot or he must have been a very good liar. She probably did know and in effect with his help broke up his marriage.

poppy34 · 08/05/2007 09:42

Amanda - re dp/his ex that is exactly how I feel to re financial struggles. The only thing is that I reallly wish the squabbling could be put on hold for time being. Dealing with other problems so could do with a time out from it for now (dealing with m/c). Actually having skids around is somethign that makes both me and dh feel bit better.

BrownSuga · 08/05/2007 10:15

As a 2nd wife, and DH a 2nd husband, the only thing I have a problem with and have several friends (male) in this situation, is that if DH and I better our situation financially then he technically should pay more to ex-w in maintenance. I don't think he should be improving her lifestyle just because ours has, there has to be a limit as we know full well that his DD would not be the one benefitting. (btw she is also remarried)

Also expect that our DC should not be second best to his oldest child, and should feel prioritised in our home as both parents in same household full time, and shouldn't be "spoiling" oldest child in an attempt to make up for DH being a part-time father to her, which is the sad byproduct of divorce.

Judy1234 · 08/05/2007 10:32

I don't believe in adults paying other adults any maintenance which is the law in many countries. That works if you also follow my principle that able bodied adults work and don't stay home with children. These men who find it quite cushy to have a non working wife are suddenly critical when they leave for a younger model but often it really was their fault their first wife gave up work. They only liked it when it suited them.

The article refers to second wives not being happy first children get school fees paid yet had the couple stayed married the children would have gone to private schools so why should those children suffer because their father couldn't keep his pants on and ran off with someone else? He should be paying more not less to make up.

Also many couples feel they can only afford 2 children ... fine.. but then the man goes off and has a family he cannto afford. He may well have refused his first wife a third child on financial grounds and just because he has another child now he pays the first children less. Bizarre and unfair. They have already had their home rent asunder and lives damaged and are trying to survive with the same income keeping 2 households.

I thiknk I'm just getting cynical. I've met too many divorced men who think it's clever to show off how much money they hide from their first wives as if I'd think that were a sign of how good they are.

GiantSquirrelSpotter · 08/05/2007 11:06

OMG I'm going to fall over, apart from the first para, I agree with Xenia!

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