Yet another article re: why mothers should return to work

[boogiewoogie]

Just snatching a couple of minutes during a coffee break, will come back. What do you think of this?

I guess Xenia that you pay more attention to the articles that realte to your own circumstances, as a sahm I often see anti SAHP articles, i rarely read them though!

Xenia, def. agree about the skewed view in the media - imo it is largely anti-working mothers.

Anyway people hold different views but the one view they never hold is that a man is wrong whether he works or doesn't or not often. the starting poit on divorce is 50% of assets each and there is not a trend to give a lot of maintenance to lower earners after that - you'd have to try to get back to work and manage childcare etc or go on benefits etc But you won't suffer the risk many men suffer which is they don't have their children with them so in a sense if you want to ensure the children live with you after divorce then giving up work is the best way to achieve that. That may be more important to you than any money in the world and reason enough to give up work.

Xenia - I quite agree that you need divorce insurance more than any other, since that risk is the greatest.

Which is good argument for building up personal capital before marriage and children.

If you choose to have children young that option is not available.

But when reading articles that imply neglect/ possible developmental consequences of using childcare I don't take them as patronising even though of course I have agonised over these issues way before deciding on that option.

It seems as if WOH parents are not allowed to take offence (perhaps because we are seen as so offhand about all the joys of our kids early years as to not to think it worthwhile to stay at home whilst the children are young) but some SAHP's may see red wherever there is justification for any option other than that they have chosen.

There´s nothing I regret more than giving up a very well paid job to be a SAHM because now I have few choices over future work and am very conscious about how dependent I now on my husband. If I had my time again I would definitely go back to work at least PT after maternity leave. Getting a decent job when you´re currently a SAHM is no easy task.

I agree that life is a risk and frankly I am a boring fearful person who always imagines the worst happening. I have seen a lot of crap happen to people and it has had a profound effect on me. I wish I could be like those people who say 'fuck it the most important thing to me is my kids and money can wait' but I can't I see all the frightening possibilities for me and my kids if I don't work. I suspect growing up in poverty has a lot to do with it.

drosophila - I am sure that you are right and that your own personal experiences have a lot to do with your feelings about work.

I have seen a lot of women hedge their bets and carry on working in order to insure against future financial risks.

Many of them have divorced, their marriages falling apart from the stress of both partners working and having too little time for one another and for family life.

There is no insurance policy that covers all the risks of life. Couples need to work out how best to cover all their combined risks together. If they don't feel able to do this and need to keep a foot out of the door of their marriage, that is a serious issue in itself that they need to address.

I agree with the gist of the article, a child isn?t just for the baby stage, you have to think long-term. For us it meant both working. DH grew up in poverty and never saw his Dad go out to work. His mum would do the occasional supermarket jobs before holidays to give the children some pocket money. I grew up with both parents working. So I guess for both of us, for different reasons, both working was the option we knew we?d take (plus education we have etc). I also came late to the UK so had to start from scratch career-wise, pension-wise etc. There were a couple of years when I only had little money left over after childcare but it was a short blip. We have both taken part-time jobs this past year as we can afford to now. Children are 7 and 2.

I think its horses for courses really, but this thread appears to have taken the tune that you need to work in case he leaves you, if you have to feel that way then one would question the decision to have children in the first place if you feel the risk of a marraige break up to be that significant. Its a cynical world in which we live is it not.

Having seen DP's brother die at a young age it is death rather than abandonment I fear but then again have had 3 bereavements lately death weighs heavy on my mind.

drosophila how awful for you x

Anna I think more of those who are married and don't work divorce than those who do or at the least it's neutral. What is for sure is if you're on a second marriage or if you're not married to your partner like you the statistical chance of breaking up is much more likely. Perhaps the riskiest thing you can do is give up your all, live on a man and not even marry him, particularly one whose first marriage broke down. But risk can be fun and played with and often the worst doesn't happen.

Certainly I agree with the person below who said for some reason working mothers are supposed to cope with people who say their chidlren suffer but we're not allowed to set out the advantages of women working because the poor stay at homers then have their feelings hurt - they being so much more vulnerable than the rest of us.

Also remember more women than men choose to divorce - women tend to initiate it - and if you have money and status and career you have more choice than if you are completely financially reliant on a man and leaving a marriage where you or your children may be being abused etc might mean state benefits and poverty.

Yeah thanks. I am trying hypnotherpy to get it in perspective but then I worry about the money I spend on that . Can't win can you.

maybe a bit of bereavement counselling would help? I must admit it is awful when people around you die so young. It is really hard to get any perspective on anything

"It seems as if WOH parents are not allowed to take offence (perhaps because we are seen as so offhand about all the joys of our kids early years as to not to think it worthwhile to stay at home whilst the children are young) but some SAHP's may see red wherever there is justification for any option other than that they have chosen. "

I think Grr if you read through the masses of threads on mn on the subject that both WOHP and SAHP get offended and upset by articles and research. Who on earth suggests WOHP are not allowed to get upset? I certainly as a SAHp tend not to get upset or emotive about research cause quite frankly I couldn't give a damn what the research says.

There seemed to be a bit more sensitivity amongst the stay at home mothers but it's not worth arguing over whether there is or isn't. Thank goodness we live in a country which isn't forcing parents into staying home and prohibiting women by law from working and where there is freedom, in some areas anyway, largely to publish what views you like without too much censure no matter who owns the press.

Sadly I seem to be in a death phase at present, mother, then father ill, all these widowers - I have two at present, one sending me pictures of his wife (not after death thank goodness) and someone else I know who works full time, two little children, had to hire a nanny last year when their mother died. it's much more common than you think, but in fact it's divorce not death which is more likely to affect most people.

"this thread appears to have taken the tune that you need to work in case he leaves you" Not only that. Also in case your partner is made redundant, or becomes ill (with one of the many illnesses not routinely covered by critical insurance - which not all people take out anyway), or your financial circumstances change for whatever other reason. It's neither fun nor romantic to think about the possibilities.

Aren't a couple more likely to divorce if the woman goes back to work after having a child? Or so I've read.
Don't have any particular study to hand.

I agree with the author of the article to some extent. I wanted to work after my babies were born but I also wanted to be with them. I went freelance and have since set up my own business. When I started out I literally earned the exact same amount as my childcare. So my pay would come into my account and straight out again to pay for childcare. In fact I made a loss because I had to pay tax on what I earned. And at times I did question why I was doing it - but it gave me something else to keep my brain occupied.

Luckily we weren't reliant on money I earned to survive. I am very glad that I've managed to keep my hand in. My sister gave up working completely and now that her girls are at school, she is going through a complete crisis about who she is and what she wants to be.

I could never have returned to work fulltime and so I ended up aborting my career. But I've carved out a new career and one I enjoy substantially more and I still only work 2.5 days a week. If I had a daughter, I would advise her to try and keep her hand in, no matter how reduced her work week.

thinking about this, the divorce rate quoted is US, not UK, i think we're a bit lower, around 40%?
also, whilst a lot of marriages break down, this includes the figures for serial monogomists. and a high figure of divorces are in the first few years of a narriage.
so, if you're recently married to someone who's been divorced a few times times before, you stand a higher risk of being on your own. if you've been married a while, and have a track record for staying together, you have a good chance of surviving.

i agree with pistatio, and i certainly dont see myself as a poor stay at homer for heavens sake. My choice, thats just the thing, My CHOICE, which does not make me less worthwhile as a woman as someone who for her own reasons, choses to work. I think thats great so i dont expect to be belittled for my choices. I'll take my chances on the future and pray to god that nothing happens to my DP, simply because he is my soul mate and i love him.

But the article is not implying that it isn;t your choice. It is saying that not all women making the choice to SAH do so understanding the risks they are taking.

It is just one set of factors to be taken into account. FWIW, if you have critical health and life insurance for both of you and enough of a pot of savings, pensions or other assets to see you through should he die, be made redundant or divorce you, then you can probably fairly safely tick this box and move on. If you don't have any of these things then one might spend a bit more time thinking things through. ALways accepting of course, Gess's point that sometimes even with the best planning in the world, life still sometimes swings round and bites you on the bum!

KEA, I don't see that. I see men in their 40s wanting pastures new, i.e. younger women during mid life crises often when they've been married 20 years and the wife's career is fundamentally shot to pieces.