Yet another article re: why mothers should return to work

[boogiewoogie]

Just snatching a couple of minutes during a coffee break, will come back. What do you think of this?

NK - no I was responding to your point about what we have in common with other women.

Anna - is it ok if I send my 2 to stay with you for a week during the summer hols?

" Yet another article re: why mothers should return to work "

cos they are idle mares

TeeCee - August only because that's the month my stepsons spend with their mother, so their bedroom is free. When were you thinking of?

August - perfect - are we talking the whole month, oh plurleassse, please, please, please!

I'm going to spend a couple of weeks at my parents' so there only about 15 hotel nights going

orville - finally, some sense (ducks) just kidding, but maybe the message is - lighten up everyone its easter and its sunny!

Anna, you may be desperately trying to distance yourself from Xenia, but I agree with the others who have said that your views are just as extreme and dangerous as hers. She bangs on ideal motherhood being out earning obscene amounts of money; you bang on about ideal motherhood being at home with your child, engaging in some idyllic lifestyle with plenty of stimulating opportunities such as foreighn travel. The one thing you've said which I agree with, is that in a good marriage or partnership,each person has different qualities and talents which complement eachother. So are you seriously suggesting that one parent just 'happens' to have all the stay at home, nurturing qualities and the other just 'happens' to have the going out and earning a living qualities? Possibly in a few very traditional families where the parents have polarised standpoints. But in most families - no way. Your view perpetuates the myth that only mothers can be the nurturers, and is the kind of attitude that leads to fathers being pushed out of the home to earn and provide. Please just accept that the majority of mothers do NOT share your or Xenia's extreme views.

ebenezer - you are attributing to me a position I DO NOT HOLD.

I don't like Xenia's position that all women should have full-time professional careers all the time. I DO NOT ADVOCATE SAHM FOR EVERYONE.

READ my posts.

It's very, very frustrating for me to be pigeonholed by posters who don't read me.

and also a total waste of everyone's time when I (or anyone else) has to mount a self-defence against posters who don't read the thread properly before posting.

P.S.: I'd also like to add that i agree with the MNer (can't remember who- about a million posts ago!) who pointed out that maybe SAHMs are at home because THEY want that lifestyle and not necessarily because it's best for their children. One thing I do repsect Xenia for is that she communicated with her children and they clearly feel very happy and well adjusted. My own mother stayed at home until long after my youngest sibling was in school. Like the other MNer, i found her lack of self confidence and ambition quite crippling. She ended up doing some low paid part time work which was WAY below her true ability. I DIDN'T think 'Oh good old mum, choosing home and children over a career'. I wished she would push herself more to achieve her potential, and I also resented what I saw as hypocrisy - she wanted me to have a good education, go to university and so on (which i did - I'm now a teacher) while not getting on and doing this for herself. I think sometimes we focus too much on the few years of babyhood, and forget that parenting is a life long process. Perhaps we need to look a bit further ahead and be a bit more imaginative in our parenting.

ebenezer - I think that parenting is forever.

But don't resent your mother for wanting things for you that she didn't get for herself. She probably didn't get the support and encouragement from HER mother that she gave you...

Our life chances are greatly influenced by the support (or otherwise) of our close family.

It is not so simple though is it? My Mum did train as a teacher despite coming from a very wc background. But then didn't work until my youngest sibling was about 8 or 9 and then only a few hours a week cleaning. I think because she was just cleaning for people she knew this was her way of working flexibly. But we would have understood, if she had wanted more and I'm fairly sure my Dad would have supported her.

bozza - I quite agree, it's not simple at all.

But I often find that when you look back at family history, you get a better understanding of why people have acted the way they did. Often they were either not given full support and encouragement to fulfil their potential, or hindered by some family beliefs about the roles women and men should play in the family.

And then it's easier to be forgiving of them, to understand how they acted (even subconsciosly) within a family and/or social system.

I've got a good game. What aspect of your behaviour as a mother do you think your children will most gripe about when they're adults? I

I'm compiling my list now

NK - too demanding and perfectionist probably. It's what I gripe about my own parents, but I also really like it at the same time...

Mine will say "She was fat and it her fault I eat too much"

At this rate, mine will say "she spent too much time on the computer"

Actually, my children are angels and I am perfect so they will not say anything bad about me.

Reading this thresd - or trying to, I can't help but notice you've all been on this for HOURS and HOURS - where ARE your kids you SAHM's?? Go on Anna, be honest, your DD must be parked in front of the tv watchin cartoons all day!

Those of you at work.... don't you think you should DO some??

I thought about it.... so I've done a little (work that is).

I agree it's not good to resent one's parents Anna - but i think supporting your children comes about mostly through HOW you live your life as a parent. There's a danger in thinking that somehow parenting is a kind of sacred art - we need to say or do particular things to show that we're 'supporting' our children. Life isn't like that. My children are supported by myself and my partner in everything we do - whether its cooking their dinner, listening to them or coming home from work and telling them about our day. With all due respect, I know my mother, and I think she was wrong. I think SHE secretly harboured a lot of resentment that she was a capable woman who didn't achieve her potential. I also regret that my father was not much of a hands on dad - probably because the pressure to earn a living was solely on him. The two of them fell into traditional, polarised roles, which is something I, and many other parents, don't want to do.

I think this thread should stop because:

a)it is going round and round b)it is lovely sunny weather outside if you are a SAHM so take your child to the garden - I was out for 5 hours today with ds picnic-ing in a nature reserve looking at bugs having sex c) why the feck aren't you working if you are in the office, it ain't Good Friday yet ? d) it is terribly dull e) I would much rather talk about food - Anna Lebanese, Turkish and Japanese are our favourites too, better than bloody chicken McNuggets or salty chips

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