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Original poster

working mums v stay at home - daily telegraph

58 replies

gremlin · 25/10/2006 14:14

I don't know about any other working mums but I know that I personally have just about had enough of the mud-slinging that goes on in the press about how damaging working motherhood is to children. I know that the telegraph were just reporting on an issue (report into working mums in yesterday's paper) , but I am sick to death of reading virtually daily about all the things that I am supposed to be doing wrong as a parent. I HAVE to work 3 days a week. My darling husband who IS actually THE best father ever doesn't have the best paid job in the world and to afford our home I HAVE to supplement our finances. When is british society finally gong to start supporting parents and making them feel like they are doing the best they possibly can instead of chipping away constantly at our confidence? I am SICK, SICK, SICK of it. ARGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Boowila · 25/10/2006 16:55

They could make it a bit easier to go to work as well. I was in Chicago a few weeks ago and learned from a friend of mine that she deducts the cost of childcare from her salary before she pays taxes. That would be a huge savings for us. And would actually make going back to work worthwhile for a lot of people. And it would allow some who choose to go back to work to do so part time.

Boowila · 25/10/2006 16:57

twickersmum, are you in twickenham?

Original poster
gremlin · 25/10/2006 17:06

some employers do the childcare tax thing. my husband has made enquiries with his employers and we are in the process of submiting paperwork.

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twickersmum · 25/10/2006 17:13

Boowila, i am! cryptic huh?

Boowila · 26/10/2006 08:45

Are you new here? Want to join our West London meet-up thread? It's a group from Ealing/Kew/Twickenham/Kingston/Sunbury

moondog · 26/10/2006 08:49

I agree Gremlin.
Dh pointed it out,then sharank back as I ranted about it being bollocks.There is no war-women do what they have to.
FWIW,I have been home for nearly three years and found it very hard work indeed.
Am easing back into work and loving it.

I am judgemental about lots of stuff but never this-wouldn't cross my mind,frankly.

twickersmum · 26/10/2006 10:43

ooh yes, i will say hello on the west london thread!

wheelsonthebus · 26/10/2006 12:37

i think there is a deep seated conflict between women on this issue (SAHM and working mums) - you get in here on mumsnet all the time. and the issues still interest me. some women have a Hobsons' choice regarding working, but others choose to work and i find the reasons interesting. i don't think i cd be a SAHM but i am interested in those who can

joelallie · 26/10/2006 17:59

I don't feel guilt because as far as I'm concerned the member of the family that get's to grasp the shitty end of the stick most of the time is yours truly. But then I suppose the fact that I feel I have to juggle all the balls (whilst holding the shitty stick...... ) and wear myself to a frazzle is because I am afraid that otherwise there would be a reason to feel guilty....

But I thought that guilt was part of the maternal condition.

Original poster
gremlin · 27/10/2006 19:09

Just read an article in The Times today by Jane Shilling about the research reported on in the Telegraph article - thought it might interest one or two that have looked at this thread.

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Original poster
gremlin · 27/10/2006 19:10

Jackie - hope you found it!

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Original poster
gremlin · 29/10/2006 22:24

Another pathetic article by Daisy Waugh this time - in the Sunday Times.

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housemum · 30/10/2006 15:44

That Daisy Waugh article just made me cross (basically she was laying into SAHMs saying that you have nothing worthehile in your lives other than your kids so you turn them into slobs unable to clean/think fo themselves as you do it all for them etc etc) Two words - utter b**cks.

I am now a SAHM for DD2, was fulltime working for DD1 so can see there are pros and cons to both - I am very lucky that I can now choose (what is right for ME not every mum - my closest friend works full-time and my life would not suit her at all even though she also is lucky enough to be able to afford to choose) and it infuriates me that people feel the need to judge what in most cases is NOT a choice.

Let's make it easy for the columnists to pick up the article to suit their mood: A "good" SAHM encourages her child's independence, lets them mix with other kids etc. A "bad" SAHM sits them in front of the telly 24/7 & her idea of mixing with people is going to do the food shop. A "good" WM comes home, spends a bit of time with the kids when she can, listening to them and making them feel loved; a "bad" WM picks up kids from school, dumps them on nanny and goes out clubbing, perhaps saying hello to them in passing. There you go, whatever point you want to make pick the good of one and the bad of the other and you have an article!!!

housemum · 30/10/2006 15:47

And her argument seemed flawed to me - DD1, now a teen, seems to think that the magic fairies clean and tidy - when I was working, she didn't really see housework as she was at nursery, and I did ours after she had gone to bed. DD2 is only 3, but at least she knows the theory of what goes on in a household - she actually knows what a washing machine is and is more likely to ask to hang out the washing than my older child ever was when that age!

housemum · 30/10/2006 15:51

Perhaps we should write some articles of other bloody pointless comparisons - "people who work outdoors have more tanned skin than office workers", "Are people who work nights better or worse adjusted than their daytime counterparts?", "Which side of the bed do you sleep on - we'll find research to prove the other side makes you brighter"

People are all different - that's what makes life interesting - who can say that one life is "better" than another?

housemum · 30/10/2006 15:51

Rant over - best go and start dinner!

Original poster
gremlin · 30/10/2006 22:27

Completely with you on this one house mum! I am seriously considering writing a comment into the Times about that article. Just have to find a moment in between planning lessons for my three days at work (school teacher!) the housework, laundry, spending QUALITY time with my kids and of course being a sex goddess for my husband!! Need to find a moment when I am not ranting, and make some kind of sense (usually when I am talking in my sleep!)

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soph28 · 30/10/2006 22:40

This whole thing is ridiculous as are comments like this "Working mother dismiss stay-at-home mothers as idle...while non working mothers criticise working mothers as too wrapped up in their careers to care about their children."

We all try and do the best we can and you can feel guilt either way. I went back to work part-time when ds was 6 mths. I felt guilty but he loved his nursery SO much that I felt even more guilty when I had to take him out of it cos I was pregnant again with dd and we wouldn't be able to afford nursery for two!!

Now I love being a SAHM but we had to move so that dh could get better job to support us but we haven't managed to sell our previous house (in 10 months) so now we have two mortgages and one salary and I feel guilty sometimes that I can't always afford to go swimming or something like that! But hey, they're happy, sociable, well-adjusted children (as far as I can tell)

...so if anyone knows anyone who wants to by a house in Flintshire (just outside Chester)...

housemum · 30/10/2006 22:44

I think I once read a comment on a calendar or something, "A mother's place is in the wrong" - seems very fitting for this thread!

shedevil · 30/10/2006 22:52

"Working mother dismiss stay-at-home mothers as idle...while non working mothers criticise working mothers as too wrapped up in their careers to care about their children."

I am a working mum (3 days a week), I work cos I have to, I need to work more really but I work the minimum I can get away with so I can spend as much time as possible with DS.

As a working mum I DO NOT think SAHM are idle - in fact I found my 6 months maternity leave harder work than actually going to work. Only people who have no kids say stuff like that FFS (i.e. all the younger men and women in my office).

I AM NOT wrapped up in my career - I work to live I don't live to work! There's a work/home balance and I've got it just right for me - not everyone is the same I agree so we all do what's best for our children. Unfortunately this country is aptly named RIP-OFF BRITAIN - start taxing less and we'll stay at home more (its fine with me anyway!!)

Whoever wrote this is a tosspot.

tribpot · 30/10/2006 22:55

There was an article on the news a few weeks ago, and I swear it was reported as "experts say that may be bad for health, but some critics warn that the effects have been exaggerated" - and honestly, it could have been virtually anything. It was like renta-story.

So I'm with housemum on this one.

Original poster
gremlin · 30/10/2006 23:02

Bravo, She-devil! The issue of constantly negative reporting about parenting really gets my goat. That's why I posted my initial comment in the first place. I feel angry about it's effects on us when we are all trying our level best I am sure. I just wish I could do something about it, that's all!

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shedevil · 30/10/2006 23:09

Thank you!

Its an issue that'll always be argued about, but to be honest i've not met many mums (or dads) who would agree with any of the crap that's been written. Only parents can know how hard the home/work life balance is and unfortunately a lot of mums have to work to afford to live.

What would they say if we all packed our jobs in (dads included) and went on the dole? Cos in their opinion to stay to home is whats best for our children isn't it?

TWUNTS

Original poster
gremlin · 30/10/2006 23:17

If none of us agree with it, what do we do about it though? We still carry on reading the same papers regardless of their negative headlines. We could all stop buying the papers with these articles in, but how many of us would it require? I might stop buying but just little me making a stand is nothing!
I guess, like so many people have said on this thread, it's my reaction that has to change. But that bugs the hell out of me. The buggers are getting away with it! Anyway, rant over, I'm off to bed. Nighty, night!

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shedevil · 30/10/2006 23:38

Night night gremlin. Perhaps go to a rival newspaper and get them to bring the b**rds down with the help of MNers!!