British families should take elderly relatives to live with them - like in Asia

[juneau]

According to Jeremy Hunt anyway.

So, could you see yourself doing this? Would your elderly relatives actually WANT you to? Do you have the space.

I would rather kill myself than have my DM living with me. I could possibly cope with my dad, although he's terribly dithery and likes things done his way. As for my step-parents and in-laws - again, death (either theirs or mine), would be preferable

While in theory, it's a lovely idea for elderly relatives to be cared for by family, it's incredibly difficult in real life.

It may be a nice thing while the relative is independent but just needs someone to keep an eye on them / do shopping, but when it comes to actual physical care, it becomes relentless. And if you add cognitive impairment into the mix, becomes even more so.

Furthermore, the population is getting older and living longer, so where would it stop? You start looking after an elderly relative who may be frail but potentially live into their 90s, you then are into your late 60s / early 70s still providing increasingly more physically challenging care for said elderly relative. Combine that with the fact that respite care is practically non-existant from social services or extortionate if you pay privately and you could end up with people who are unable to ever get a rest from their caring duties.

The cynic in me says this is just another idea to save even more money on the social care budget, when in fact it would only work effectively if the money that could be saved is spent on providing support and respite for carers.

All fine and good in theory.

I had PIL with me for a while. I had to go to work though (mortgage to pay, food to buy, children to support).

As MIL's dementia got worse I spent most of my waking moments, day and night, mopping up faeces and urine, washing soiled clothing and bedding, preparing meals she could eat.

FIL would not let carers in to wash her, preferring instead to wait until I got home from work.

We are 10 years on. She is now in a dementia unit and looks as if she will keep going for years.

DH OTOH will probably die of a heart attack with the stress and expense of it all.

I would. My parents, fine. FIL, at a push. MIL, not on your life.

At least I haven't got any PIL and my dad has remarried to someone not that much older than me so as far as I'm concerned she can look after him in his old age!

I would, but they wouldn't want to, I'm sure.

It's predicted approx. 25% of women of my generation (early 1970s) won't have children. How would that work - are we required to take in our aunties as well as our mums?

I think it would be much more practical to invest in nice retirement communities like they have in America. I'd live in one! If the problem is loneliness, moving in with your full time working, resentful adult children isn't going to help much (might be nice for GC, however - we loved our grandad living with us - it drove our DM crazy, though).

It scares me silly that I will end up becoming the default carer for my own parents and for MiL. I'm the one without the high-powered career. I live near by. I'm the obvious choice. But I can barely care for my DCs and myself. Becoming a carer would break me.

MIL would move in here in a heartbeat - and DH would be gone out the door just as quick!! My parents say they would never want to burden any of their children and DH and I would be the same after looking after his mother for the past 20 years as she dies.

In Asia labour is very cheap.

Middle class families have live in maids who cook, clean, child mind and care for the elderly. The maids earn very little, but usually come from a background of poverty, so a small wage, food and a roof is like a fortune.

Nowadays even in Asia, elderly people with dementia go into nursing homes if their family can afford to pay.

If you and your family are poor, you don't live as long as the people who have money. It is way too simplistic to compare East and West in this way.

My PIL never had to look after their own parents. People simply didn't live as long back then. My PIL are in their late 80s and show every sign of living well into their 90s, dementia and all. Both are needing round the clock care.

DH and I are approaching 60, and will spend most of our retirement caring for them, and then will probably die early from the stress of it all.

I know plenty of Asian people in London who are caring for elderly relatives and are struggling just the same as the rest of us.

Also I've worked caring for the elderly in a psychiatric hospital which makes me think several things relating to this ...

1. residential care isn't always so bad
2. I could probably offer the same to my parents at home - however I think the 24/7 aspect of it is the hardest thing.
3. Carers do need some respite and support - the day care mentioned above would be a help for a start

VERY true, 3little, also a stupid comment from him and shows he has no clue what caring for someone with even mid-grade dementia entails.

A family home is not safe for such people. They get up in the night and turn on appliances and attempt to use them, get out and wonder around. Some also become violent.

Everyone assumes living longer is a good thing. It can be, as long as you have relatively good health.

I am currently caring for two elderly relatives, trying to work full time and bring up my own children. Thankfully, they are only here for a few months and we have space for them. But, I am exhausted already. And broke. As a temporary arrangement while one recovers from surgery, we get no support. And her husband has major memory problems so can't be left for long. I could not do this long term.

We also have another three relatives for him we have financial responsibilities, managing their accounts and arranging things for them.

There is no way I could inflict this on my children. I will take myself off to a care home.

Not a chance. My DH has MS and his care needs will become greater the older we become.

just reading some of the examples on this thread, the situation can be really tough. When you imagine caring for your parents in your home, I suppose you think of them as being able to function more or less the same as always. My thoughts on this are coloured by a visit (my only visit ever) to a care home when I was about 12 or 13. Our class went to a care home for the afternoon and I found it such a sad and depressing place, those who were alert and could chat easily with us, sitting next to those who had no idea what was going on around them. It was like a waiting room to death, everyone sitting around all afternoon in that one room and nothing happening. That's a long time ago now and maybe it was never that typical but I don't want that - what I saw - for my parents.

I am pretty sure nowadays there are better solutions than that.

Once again, we are talking about women's unpaid labour.

The failure to keep a lid on multiplying housing costs has meant that an adult child with time and space is no longer present, as they are probably working to pay the mortgage.

PIL - no way. Harsh as its sounds, their care is not my problem. They are wealthy pensioners, rattling around in huge house with plenty of money. Why should I give up my job and life to care for them, I don't love them? DH feels the same. They (PIL) have to reap what they have sown.

My parents, dearly loved but we live 300 miles away. Luckily I have two sisters who intend staying close to them so I will play my part by giving respite and helping financially. However I think my parents would prefer not to be a burden, I'm not sure. I certainly would not wish to be a burden on my DD. I would not wish to live if I realised I was starting on the slippery slope to dementia, the thought horrifies me.

If I'd had the space, I'd have had my parents live with me. My mum's parents lived with us when we were young. However, I never had the space to accommodate them. I'm still living in a very small home, no spare rooms or option to extend/convert.

I'm now in a situation where I have elderly relatives who are seeming to suggest that I should move nearer to them to care for them (impossible - job, home, child, studying all tied up to where I'm living plus they have complex needs both medical and emotional that are beyond my capability to deal with). I understand their need for security but beyond the confusion and general discomfort there is a lot of emotional blackmail running through their communication.

I am pretty sure nowadays there are better solutions than that.
ZZZ, I'm not so sure unfortunately. I have a friend who went into a home last year as she lost her sight and after some bad falls resulting in lengthy hospital stays it was decided she couldn't live alone any more. As far as I can see the home is one of the better ones, a little tatty but she has a nice room of her own overlooking a little garden where the residents can sit out, and the staff seem very friendly and nice. However, when I visit, if she isn't in her room then the communal room is pretty much as you describe. All the old dears sitting around the edge, some of them barely know where they are, and the TV on all the time on some channel no one appears to want to watch! (Escape to the country last time. They weren't interested in that).

I've often wondered about pensioners who are still more or less able-bodied and mentally competent (usually widowed), but rattling around in houses on their own, hardly seeing anyone from one day to the next and worried about putting on the heating. There must be a middle ground between that and going into a home. For instance why don't two or three of them move in together? Obviously they'd have to get on (and I realise it's difficult deciding to leave a home where possibly you have been happily married and raised a family with all the memories and all), but in many cases surely the pros would outweigh possible cons? They would have company if wanted, they could share the chores and bills, be warmer, have an incentive to eat proper meals, not have to worry about having an accident and not being found, stay independent for that bit longer. It wouldn't suit everyone but there are a lot of pensioners where I live and although they have fairly active lives doing their own shopping and going to the library and so forth they are always desperate to stop and chat because basically they are lonely and don't want to go back to their empty houses.

There are residential complexes where people can have independent living, warden controlled flats and any combination of support all the way up to full time care.

They cost an absolute fortune though.

I think it is a pity to segregate elderly people from the rest of society. Ideally complexes like the ones I have described should be built in normal residential areas.

If I had lots of money I would like to build communities like this.

This really annoys me. The majority of people who go into homes in my acquaintance have dementia. This is a whole different ball game to general old age. Families with jobs and children and no downstairs , adapted bathroom can in no way cope with caring at home. This is what we are facing with an ageing population. We need proper solutions. Dementia is an illness. We don't expect family to do all the care for other illnesses. These dementia sufferers need proper dignified care.

So will the government give the extra bedroom back, that they took away, for elderly parents to come and live in?

Neither my pils or my parents would want to live with us. The house is totally unsuitable too. But they all have lots of money. I to am amazed that people think they should get years of residential care paid for by the government while keeping their half million pound homes to pass on.

My dad seems to have the perfect solution he ditched my mum for a younger model so has his carer lined up!

'this government is trying to turn into a matter of personal morality because they are trying to erode any idea of it as a state-based right'

Exactly they want us to feel guilty and that way make us accept the dismantling of our rights

Yes, this could well be true. But I think the bigger point is that the country simply cannot afford to provide elder care for everyone who needs it as the population ages (including the massive bulge of the baby boomer generation), and the fact that so many people are saving little or nothing for their retirement and relying solely on state-funded care. There are a lot of people who pay nothing or really small amounts into the system over their lifetimes, but then need a lot of money out towards the end of their lives. There simply won't be enough tax-payers to fund this.

you reap what you sow. Inlaws havent lifted a finger to help in the nearly 11 years we have cared 24 hours a day for a severely disabled child. DH lost his job, we cant afford heating etc. Meanwhile they send us postcards from foreign holidays and bitch about the cold when they visit.
So a, we are already caring, and b, they dont give a shit about us caring and living in exhausted poverty already. Why should we take them on and where would we put them?

I completely agree with Expat.

Swap 'British Families' for British Women and you're closer to the mark.