British families should take elderly relatives to live with them - like in Asia

[juneau]

According to Jeremy Hunt anyway.

So, could you see yourself doing this? Would your elderly relatives actually WANT you to? Do you have the space.

I would rather kill myself than have my DM living with me. I could possibly cope with my dad, although he's terribly dithery and likes things done his way. As for my step-parents and in-laws - again, death (either theirs or mine), would be preferable

I would be interested to see any studies into the extent of hidden 'elder abuse' in SE Asia.

I just find this incredibly insulting, anyone I know whose parent has gone into a home has agonised about it desperately and have generally put in years of caring before it gets to a point where they cannot cope (eg with dementia).

I'd find it less insulting if the speech were accompanied by an announcement that they were increasing benefits for carers to a decent liveable level or providing new funding for home helps etc etc - but it'll be a cold day in Hell when that happens.

Which raises the question - if you are single, or in a couple where both need to work to pay the rent (ie 99% of the population pretty much) what are you meant to do when your dps need someone within call all the time because they are wandering / not safe to leave alone for whatever reason.

Oh dear God no - we would hate it about as much as they would. We both work anyway, and don't have to space. Having said that, I think we are pretty shit as a society when it comes to looking after our most vulnerable.

I also wonder if Jeremy Hunt has been in a situation where one of their beloved grandparents has attempted suicide when left alone while their carer (ie my Mum) had to go out to her part time job. (None of us knew that he was in that frame of mind obviously otherwise he wouldn't have been left :( :( )

They want us to reduce our standards of living so that we move towards a race to the bottom and experience third world levels of care and provision where our extended families have to live in cramped conditions under one roof and face higher taxes, higher living costs and lower wages. They pretend that we have no choice. They say we have run out of money. And they increase our energy bills by 10% and then blithely tell us to switch to another provider as if that would make any difference.

I like Jeremy Hunt so I can only think that he has had no choice in this and has been advised that this is how the future looks and he has to start selling it to us.

I wouldn't have taken on my ILs or at least not willingly, although they were nice enough, it would have been hard living with them since they both smoked heavily for one thing and then they tended to speak non-stop, I think it would have driven me out tbh.

Yes for my own parents I couldn't let a parent of mine go into a care home if it came to that. Atm because we live overseas in a country where a language is spoken that my father does not speak, I can't imagine transplanting him to live with us. I think it would be too lonely, he is settled where he is and has friends but the time may come soon enough where we will have to find some kind of solution. If we were in the same country, it would all be a lot more straight-forward. Dh is always easy about anyone at all staying with us for however long. He is much more sociable than I am and more easy going.

I'm from Southern Europe and I think the vast majority of people in the Med look after their parents, but I feel our family relationships are very different from the British model.

I couldn't imagine leaving my parents (or in laws) in a care home because it's culturally and emotionally hard wired in me.

However, I must say I admire the fact that young people leave home and become independent at a very early age in the UK and some even have the ability to cut ties with their parents when they feel the relationship is unhealthy.

Poppy, but what is the standard of living like there? Somewhere like Greece is bankrupt with the toughest austerity seen anywhere in Europe for decades and with 27% or so unemployment and people not even being able to get some medicines or to feed themselves adequately etc.

How can people go to work and pay ever increasing taxes and spiralling fuel bills and also care for the sick and elderly?

I wouldnt be delighted, but id do it. Id also do it for dps parents or grandparents if necessary. I think its a bloody shame people dont do this anymore

I think realistically it depends how much care is needed and how that can be balanced with the needs of the other members of the family, especially DC.
I can imagine living with my Mum or Dad or them living with us just about, but ATM they still have each other and are muddling along OK for now.

This week in politics we have seen the Blairite Milburn, the 'Socail Mobility Tsar', doubtless on a nice little earner, tell us that some pensioners must have their benefits cut because they have been advantaged to the detriment of 'hardworking' families, and now we have the good Jeremy Hunt coming out with this crap that tries to put the guilt on us and tell us that we are not as caring as people in Asia if we do not carry the burden of care for our elderly relatives.

It is a two-pronged propaganda attack - one that puts gulit on pensioners and one that puts guilt on us.

There are a lot of things which could make this move very difficult for individual families, not just getting on with the elderly relatives or caring for their mental health/and or physical needs if both parents work and the dc are at school. Essentially the elderly would be in your home but alone. I am not sure that is a good idea. Another problem for a lot of People is going to be space. If a family only has a small flat say and there is no bedroom available, it will mean the elderly people will live and sleep in the main room or the parents will do it and give their room up. It is of course possible. We can return to the conditions a lot of people had at the turn of the century for instance, with fold-out beds, sleeping in the kitchen etc but it is obviously not desirable for many people, young or old who are used to something different, so I can understand a general lack of enthusiasm for this solution.

Claig it's not easy, especially post-global economic crisis but most people would feel the question you pose puzzling - i.e. no matter how tough the financial pressure, they would always look after their children, so they face elderly care the same way.

Also worth remembering that most parents work full time (very low number of SAHP) so grandparents end up providing informal child care and contributing with their pensions, so it all balances out.

The thing is, with the "Asian model", I bet people become parents a lot younger than they do in the west. Consequently any grandparents in the family, who may live with you, won't actually be that old.

Imagine what would happen here: couple become parents for the first time at, say, 37. When the baby and any siblings grow up and get to a similar age and want THEIR first baby then they have to cope with a newborn baby AND 74 year old ageing parents. By the time their youngest starts school the grandparents could be in their early 80s. I really fail to see how someone could adequately care for, or even cope with living with parents in their 80s as well as caring for their own very young children.

At least years ago in the uk when having ageig relatives living with you was the norm, the hoisehold's children would probably be virtually grown up by the time the elderly relative became VERY dependent.

I just don't see how this would work when people are only starting their families (and even buying their first house) at a later and later age. Infant dependants, long mortgages, later retirement ages and ageing dependants do not mix well!

'but most people would feel the question you pose puzzling - i.e. no matter how tough the financial pressure, they would always look after their children, so they face elderly care the same way.'

But so do we here. As Takver said, this is an insult to suggest that we don't do everything we can to stop our elderly going into these care homes, where we read about some of the treatment that they may suffer. It is also why we are incensed over their Liverpool Care Pathway because we know what can happen.

The battle is really all about, are we going to accept to become like Asia and reduce our standards of living because they say we have no money left, when they spent bilions of our money on the Olympics and untold billions on bailing out bankers or are we going to cal their bluff and reject what they have planned for our future.

This link with Asia in the mesage is a subtle message that we have had it too good, and in the race to the bottom, we must become like Asia and if we don't then we are uncaring.

What I am going to say relates to me and I realise everyone's circumstances are different.

Why would I not look after my parents after they have done so much for me throughout my childhood and young adulthood? I love them. I have a close relationship with my family who are very important to me, although I accept if their needs were such that I physically could not manage then that is a different story.

My parents may consider themselves a burden when they are old but I would never let them think they were a burden. I couldn't sleep at night if I suspected they thought that.

No-one deserves to end their days away from their family unless their needs are so severe.

People say they haven't got the room/would have to stop working well what did people do 50 years ago? They coped. They got on with it.

Old people, especially loved ones are not there just to be brushed to one side when they become a handful. We don't have those thoughts or do that with our own children do we?

The state is there to assist us but perhaps, where warranted, some compassion for our loved ones would not go amiss.

I certainly do not underestimate the heartache some people must go through when deciding on an elderly home admission when the simply cannot look after their relatives.

Our elderly try their utmost to remain independent and not to go into these care homes. We need a civilised system of home help and home care, not a disgusting one where carers only have a 15 minute window to help the elderly in their homes.

We have the money, we gave it to the bankers but we can always ask for it back.

I would not have my parents live with me. I couldn't. My mother would be beyond a nightmare. She cannot abide not being in control and I'm not putting up with that.

I could live with the PILs, but MIL could not live with DH under any circumstances. She'd kill him (he is very annoying).

You can't just import practices from wherever you choose because it suits government economic policy. Culture doesn't quite work that way.

JamesBlonde: it is silly to say that no one deserves to have to live away from their family. You haven't met my father. He doesn't deserve my compassion.

' what did people do 50 years ago? They coped. They got on with it.'

Most people ived in poverty. They want us to go back to poverty, but we mustn't accept the parameters that they are giving us. We didn't climb out of poverty only to go back there and feel guilty because we are not like some other countries in the world who have no choice.

We have a choice - a decent care system for our elderly or the parameters that they want us to accept.

I think it is just another thing that this government is trying to turn into a matter of personal morality because they are trying to erode any idea of it as a state-based right. There are an alarming number of other examples...hmm I smell a rat

I live in a two bedroom rented terrace. Where would I put my mum, dad, MIL, FIL & his wife (who hate MIL) along with DH, DS & me? Stick them all in one bed like Charlie & The Chocolate factory?

'this government is trying to turn into a matter of personal morality because they are trying to erode any idea of it as a state-based right'

Exactly they want us to feel guilty and that way make us accept the dismantling of our rights

Up the revolution claig