Talking about death/dying, a final taboo - Dying Matters Awareness Week

[DerbysKangaskhan]

The Archbishop of York says that the taboo around talking about death means people are missing out on a "good death". Only 1 out of 3 Brits have ever talked with their loved ones about their wishes for the end of life and 8 in 10 are uncomfortable talking about it all though a third think about once a week or more.

With more forethought and planning by people and HCPs, more people could be treated for end-of-life conditions at home or home-like-hospices rather than hospitals, which is the preference over 70% of people.

www.telegraph.co.uk/family/9262888/The-last-taboo-is-denying-us-all-a-good-death-warns-Archbishop-of-York.html

Dying Matters, part of the National Council for Palliative Care, has released a short almost 7 min. film called I Didn't Want That as part of the awareness week to inspire more people to discuss and write up their plans and preferences for end of life issues. The Dying Matters website has information and support for dealing with these issues.

Do you talk about your preferences those around you? Why do you think Brits are so uncomfortable discussing death? I know when the topic comes up with people and they've found out I've made plans (or am buying a pre-paid funeral plan) even though I'm "only" in my twenties and currently in decent health, people find it very strange, awkward, and tend to go on about living in the moment. It's an odd denial thing, to me, as it's obviously going to happen and I would rather my family could mourn in their own way without the added pressure of worrying/fighting about what I want (as I saw in the death of my own grandmother) or dealing with making plans.

DH and I have talked about it as we left the UK and if something happened soonish (not that there's any reason why it should) then we might want different arrangements from those me might want later. The most important thing is what our children need after we're gone. This depends on which country we're in when we go, how old the kids are, and where they might live after our deaths. If DH and I go now, they are still little and would return to the UK to live with relations. Then ashes would go with them for burial near where they are. If they are all grown up then they get to decide but out of preference I would prefer burial to cremation. Organs to be donated if possible. Funeral to be whatever will best comfort those left behind and therefore to be chosen by them but with a nod to my liking of non-wooden coffins.

Dp and I have discussed this. We agreed we dont care. Whatever is best for everyone else. We both saw our parents die in middle age which helps to make death real and unavoidable.

I've talked about it with dh and the kids. Better to be prepared, imo. Depends on your sense of humour, but it's a bit of a joke in my house.

DH and I have discussed it, - we both have wishes at opposite ends of the resuscitation/life support question, - so we'd be able to respect each others wishes.

I've had a life threatening illness, and actually discussing what you would like at the end of life is quite comforting - a sort of getting your affairs in order which means you can then concentrate on your life.

We also recently had to make this decision on behalf of my Dad, - he had a terminal illness, and contracted pneumonia, - we made the decision not to have him rushed to a major hospital being 'worked on' in the back of an ambulance, we wanted to save him that distress and allow him to die quietly and with dignity.

KurriKurri You were very brave about your Dad. I do not want to be resuscitated and have made it clear. Made the difficult decision to have DNR in DS's notes.

My DH died and we hadn't discussed this at all. I did everything in line with what he would have wanted as much as I could. He had a brain tumor which manifested itself like dementia, so that made discussion of anything pretty impossible as he had a less than 2 minute short term memory.

I think we can make some decisions about death, but some of it will still not be under our control. If I could go back, I would not have distressed my DH with chemo and radiotherapy that did not work. But at the time we thought we were buying some time/hope.

He died in a hospice, and the care was wonderful. It was almost an accident that he was there, he was supposed to be having respite care but was much more ill than any of us realized. They put him on a drip with pain killers and tranquilizers, everyone who loved him was there. It would be wrong to say he wasn't distressed, dying is more complicated than those who haven't witnessed it realize. It is like birth, with stages. And not necessarily quiet or dignified, either.

I absolutely agree we should talk about it more, and think about what we might want, but it is not always controllable by us or doctors. I think we need to be aware of that. But I would chose that hospice care over anything. And hospitals need to be a damn sight better in their care of the dying - the lack of privacy and care is appalling, in my experience.

2old2be - I'm sorry you have had to think about this in regard to your DS, - it is all so utterly heartwrenching.

flicka - you are absolutely right, there are no guarantees as to what will happen when end of life is reached, we can only do our best to help those we love. I'm so sorry to hear about your DH.

It is such a difficult subject to deal with, but the more it becomes the norm to talk about death and make end of life plans, the more likely, I believe, that care for the dying will improve.

Yes we have discussed it, and I have also talked about it with my children. I'm surprised that the figure is so low for people talking about their wishes tbh. I didn't think it was particularly taboo either.

Talking about miscarriage I have recently found it is still sadly VERY taboo.

Thank you Kurri Kurri

It is taboo. Children are very interested in it, when they questioned me as a widow parents were very quick to try and change the subject.

It is a shame that we can't be more open.

Thanks kurriKurri it was hard but he did it his way just the 2 of us in a side room and I didn't call anyone until I was sure, bravest thing I have ever done, never said it before x

You do learn from it. Before my experiences I would find it difficult to know what to say- now I don't have a problem with it.

OP, are you are already buying a funeral plan or do you intend to do in the future? Only asking as I thought they were usually an over-50s only product.