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How can anyone 'forget' that they've left their toddler in the car for 5 hours?

126 replies

sonearsofar · 22/05/2011 13:34

I've just heard the terrible story in the news today. Apparently an Italian university 'forgot' that he had left his 22 month old toddler in the back of the car. She died after being in there for 5 hours.

OP posts:
TeamLemon · 22/05/2011 14:50

The article is heartbreaking.
And it can be so easily be done. I've forgotten to take DS2 to the CM.
The only reason I didn't get to work and leave him in the carpark was because DS1 was chatting away next to me asked me why DS2 was still in the car. DS2 was asleep, DS1 nattering at me, and I was driving on autopilot as I tried to sort out the day ahead of me in my head.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 22/05/2011 14:51

I seem to be in the minority as I don't see how it could be excused either. You might forget that they're in the car for half an hour if they're asleep and you go indoors to do something but 5 hours?

Disclaimer: I haven't read the link so don't know the ins and outs of it.

thisisyesterday · 22/05/2011 14:54

the article linked to explains that, it's a common reaction... how can you forget for so long/

because in their mind they HAVE dropped the chld off at daycare.

you know when you're on autopilot and just do everything without thinking? it's that, only for some reason something happens and one step gets missed... but they don't realise the step has been missed.
generally in these cases the first they know is when a childcare provider or spouse rings to ask where the child is

Northernlurker · 22/05/2011 14:59

I can't read all of that article. Makes me glad I cycle to work - no chance of missing dd3 because yes I can see how easily it would happen.

Greythorne · 22/05/2011 14:59

Bodyofeyore
If you are feeling mentally stronf, read the Washington Post article.

Once i read that article, i realised it isn't about forgetfulness per se.

One man left his child in the car parked in his work carpark which his office overlooked. During the day, the alarm kept going off because the poor, poor child was wriggling / struggling / trying to get out. The father kept walking over to the window and flicking off the alarm with his keyfob, assuming the alarm was malfunctioning. He had not "forgotten" his child in thr normal sense.

Imagine the guilt that father lives with.

I actually think it must happen more often than we think in the uk, too, but because of the climate in the uk, the poot babies do not die of heat exhaustion but are rescued at the end of the day. We don't hear about it because it does not result in death. We do hear of these tragedies here in France (where i live). This event linked above was in Italy and the Post is talking about US tragedies.

I would be amazed if it's not common in the Uk but just without the utterly tragic ending, instead a very hysterical and dehydrated baby and relieved and embarrassed parents.

meditrina · 22/05/2011 14:59

GML: they cite various cases in the article. In the main one, the father had thought he'd dropped his son off at the day care centre, but actually had forgotten to do so (they describe all the extraneous circumstances which threw him off the normal pattern). So he carried on at work as usual, as if his son was in day care as usual.

He was found not guilty of the charges against him. There are 15-25 cases like this a year in the US. About 40% of the parents are not charged. As one prosecutor put it: there is no possible punishment a court can hand out that begins to compare to the lifetime of guilt and pain they have.

One father, returning to his car to find the police breaking in to it had had to be restrained from shooting himself on the spot with a policeman's weapon.

Studies of the cases have shown there is no relation to the parent's sociology-economic status or their previous parenting. It can, and has, happened to anyone.

thisisyesterday · 22/05/2011 15:02

i guess one way to try and prevent this kind of thing happening to you is to teach yourself a routine of checking ALL seats before you leave the vehicle

after doing it a lot it becomes second nature.

I am actually going to start doing this because although I don't work and I don't use the car that much at the moment I do sometimes leave the baby asleep in the car, so for me it's within the realms of "normal" to leave him in there

Northernlurker · 22/05/2011 15:08

The other thing that people can do is if you see a child in a car alone - even if you recognise the car as being a work colleague or whatever then never ever walk away. Check the child is ok, wait a bit for the parent and if there's no sign of them you'll need to consider getting the police. If the child is unconscious obviously don't wait. Just told dh this and will be doing the same for friends and work colleagues because it is possible for children to be forgotten.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 22/05/2011 15:09

God meditrina, that's awful (poor man with the gun).

TheMonster · 22/05/2011 15:09

I read the article, Greythorne, and while I am sorry they lost their son, I still feel the blame lies with him.

Greythorne · 22/05/2011 15:12

Bodyofeyore

I could not say he is to 'blame' although i concede he is responsible.

I can only think what a tragedy it is for all concerned. Can't see the point of blaming.

Greythorne · 22/05/2011 15:14

Sorry, Pent, cross posted the same link to the Post.

Penthesileia · 22/05/2011 15:15

Gwendoline and Bodyof Eeyore: no-one on the thread is excusing it, myself included. I linked to the Post article to try to explain it, because it otherwise seems such an inexplicable horror.

I doubt any of the parents who have done this are asking to be excused. They have to live with what they've done. Unimaginable. Sad

Penthesileia · 22/05/2011 15:15

X-post with you again, Greythorne.

TheMonster · 22/05/2011 15:16

I blame him. That's my opinion.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 22/05/2011 15:16

Sorry, excuse wasn't the correct word.

Greythorne · 22/05/2011 15:19

Body

No, i quite see. You have of course the right to blame him.

I just don't.

But i probably would if i had not read the article which i found completely overwhelming.

TheMonster · 22/05/2011 15:21

If I was his wife I would never, ever be able to forgive him.

shubiedoo · 22/05/2011 15:22

But in all these cases (I haven't read the whole article) would the daycare not call the parents if the child hadn't been dropped off as usual? Not that it's their responsibility really, just thought they would ask if a child were ill or whatever.

Pagwatch · 22/05/2011 15:24

I strongly suspect that unless you are actually his wife you have no clue whatsoever how you would react.

MissBeehiving · 22/05/2011 15:25

It makes me sick to think how close each one of us is to doing this.

Those poor families. Sad

megapixels · 22/05/2011 15:28

Wasn't there a similar case in the US where a woman left her child in the carpark at work? She thought she'd dropped the child off at the childminder's and crucially, they'd switched the child's car seat to the other side the previous day, so she didn't notice that the child was still in the car. It seemed like a genuine mistake, a really horrible one and I'm sure the parent would be traumatised for life because of what they'd done.

frasersmummy · 22/05/2011 15:28

I once got halfway to work when a little voice said -- where are wer going??

opps ds had been so tired he hadnt been his usual noisy chattering self and I forgot he was there and missed the nursery drop off

So I can see how it would happen but oh my god you would think in a carpark in that heat someone would have noticed

Greythorne · 22/05/2011 15:31

Shubiedoo

In one case in the article, the mother had a temp mobile phone for the day so her childminder - who was indeed trying to contact her - could not reach her.

Another hole in the Swiss cheese which taken on its own is banal.

TeamLemon · 22/05/2011 15:33

Shubie & Mega - That's the Balfour case as detailed in the Post's article.
The sitter did call her, but she was on another call and didn't get the message until later.
The car seat was behind the driver because she was getting a new carseat fitted later that day, and she'd taken her H to work, so the nappy bag was not on the passenger seat as normal. She thinks that because she dropped off her H her brained ticked "Delivered" box and so totally blanked that she still had her baby in the car. She drove past the sitters house even, but was on the phone to her boss.