Compulsory Mediation For Divorcing Couples

[AspieMum2Twinsplus1]

That would mean in cases like mine where the person who I was divorcing had abused all 4 of us and got himself a Caution for Child Abuse we would still have to go to mediation if it is compulsory for all couples. He used us both being outside the Contact Centre at the same time as an opportunity to verbally abuse me and also my mum who was with me helping me with the kids- and the kids would have heard every word. Mediation would be a pointless exercise- just like the attempts at Family Therapy he made a waste of space by not worrying about the truth because his only goal was to get through a session without him being expected to change. My solicitor had the option of recommending mediation but without me even mentioning the subject she said there wasn't any point referring us for mediation.

Seconded!

Yes mediation only works where you have 2 reasonable people who want to find a solution for their problems.

It will be an abuser's playground. They'll get off on it, they'll use it to further abuse their victims and the state will help them do it.

Fucking brilliant.

I was under the impression that if there has been abuse mediation isn't required.

If I got to the point where I was going to divorce DH - it would only be because further talking was utterly useless!

Most abuse isn't reported.

Emotional abuse isn't even recognised in many cases.

I have a friend who lives with a terribly abusive man.

She has no idea she is being abused. So she'd be a candidate for mediation. And if the mediator isn't all that bright, they too can be bullied and manipulated by the more powerful party in the relationship. I have absolutely no faith in the ability of court employees to cut through the crap surrounding abuse, the lack of knowledge about it in courts is shocking, so there is no reason to think that the average mediator is going to be any more clued up to the issues of abuse than the courts are at present.

Where you have a serious power imbalance in a relationship, to the extent that the parties involved don't even realise how seriously skewed the power imbalance is, mediation is not an appropriate way forward.

I think it's a good idea. There are going to be exceptions but, in the vast majority of cases, mediation is going to save an enormous amount of court time and give lawyers less opportunity to rack up expensive fees for sorting out what could be agreed around a table. Trained mediators are not easily bullied or manipulated and are well able to spot if one party is trying to run the show or force an unfair agreement. They will refer it on to the legal process if mediation isn't working. As somone else has rightly pointed out, mediation is not being recommended for abuse cases.

I think you ahve too much faith in the intelligence and knowledge of court employees.

Time after time after time, cafcass gives sole contact to abusers. It's like if they haven't actually been arrested for it, it doesn't count.

Most abuse is not reported and goes unnoticed by most people. Mediators are not trained in the ins and outs of relationship abuse and disparity in power relations and without an acknowledgement that this is a really important factor in a disproportionate number of relationships where couples are splitting up (because after all, if you have a good, emotionally healthy and equal relationship, you are not as likely to split up) mediation is going to be a very bad thing for the less powerful party in a relationship.

And in most cases of course, the less powerful party is the woman. Not in all cases, but in most.

If abuse is not reported and goes unnoticed then it won't get picked up, whatever kind of system is in place. Adding mediation might not improve matters but I don't think it could make things worse than they already are. If a mediator thinks that a very unequal settlement is being demanded - and abuse does not have to be present for that to happen - then it will end up in court anyway.

I just think that professional mediators should actually be properly trained on abuse issues.

There is so much of it about and so little knowledge and awareness about it out there.

It's depressing. We live in a world where it's just whitewashed out as if it's a marginal issue, when it isn't, when it comes to relationship breakdown it's a big issue.

In the case of the OP, where complaints had been made and upheld, mediation was deemed inappropriate under the current system and would also be inappropriate under a new system. I disagree with you on there being little knowledge and awareness. However aware everyone is, no system, court or mediation, can successfully work for anyone that hides the truth and/or does not present the full problem, for whatever reason.

What is clear is that many straightforward divorces that don't involve physical or mental abuse are made far worse for everyone involved by going straight to law, bypassing the chance to reach an agreement out of court and dragging things out longer than necessary.

My mediator was lovely. XP started being an arsehole in the meeting so she stopped the session, gave XP a lecture about his anger problems, told him to get help and asked him to calm down or leave. He left.

If there is so much knowledge and awareness, how come men who have a history of recorded abuse, still get sole contact with their children?

Sorry, I simply don't believe that there is a real understanding of the very complex issues surrounding abuse.

HerBeX, U R (as usual) correct. If your friend is who I think she is, she got a non-molestation order on police advice after he'd hit her & threatened to kill her and her 2 kids while they slept. She then went to the next magistrate with her lawyer expecting an occupation order and him barred, only to be told to go for mediation. She didn't have the confidence to not accept it and appeal. She is sadly brainwashed and does not have the confidence to stand up to the tosser and get her rights enforced. And God knows, we've tried....so, sadly, can't rely on legal system to defend us. Rights mean nothing if you're to worn down to enforce them yourself.

oh god yes I'd forgotten that he had actually been recorded as attacking her and threatening to kill her - and then that 2nd judge told them to go for mediation.

I very much doubt that he's a rogue judge. I suspect that he's reasonably bog standard. IE has fuck all knowledge, understanding or interest in abuse issues.