Am really struggling now DP has moved in

[Pawslikepaddington]

I am unable to get the house clean or tidy at all. Ever. I cannot stand this. I have always been clean and tidy. DP tries to help, but only makes the situation worse. He has three jobs, the recycling (because it was his idea), the bins and the bathroom. He has done the bin three times since June. He has done the recycling twice. He has done the bathroom 1 1/2 times. I have tried leaving it, I have tried nagging, I have tried doing it myself and humphing in his face. I am fed up. I want to be a single parent again, I cannot bear it. I love him, but I cannot cope being in a couple, it is too exhausting. The added mess that is involved far outweighs the contributions he makes, and I am now seriously resenting him. I cannot go on like this!!!!!!!!!!

Will he pay for a cleaner?

Apart from that, how about sitting down with him and making a long list of what jobs have to be done every week, sharing them out, and putting a chart on the wall that gets ticked off every time they are done by whoever is responsible?

And saying to him "It upsets me that you don't do your fair share of the housework. I feel that you treat me like a servant, and that you don't feel resposible for looking after our house."

But it may be that he feels that he does do his fair share, but it's in things you haven't noticed... perhaps you need to talk to him about whether he thinks he's doing his fair share, and then make the list of jobs together, and then discussing it again.

You say

Look nobby

When we moved in I didn't expect to gain a child

I will not pick up crap after you

I will not do your jobs

Start acting like a grown man

Or move the fuck out.

Sort it now or regret it years down the line.

Thank you. I feel REALLY pathetic getting wound up, but I work double his hours, so am pretty tired as it is (and it gives him a whole lot of time to make dirt and mess when I'm not there!).

I tried the chart and it just got ignored, so I think the cleaner is the only option. It is so pathetic, but it just really makes my blood boil when people go "ooooh, I bet your life is so much easier now, you must have so much time on your hands", when it's adding another 2-3 hours on my day!

Well, if you live together you need to share things fairly. And if you are working longer hours, he should be doing more around the house.

Of course, this might not work well for you, so what works in your situation is what is right for you.

It sounds to me like he is trying it on. Maybe not consiously, but part of his brain has told him that now you live together, he can have an easier time because you will do most of the work and he can not bother.

If you don't stand up to him then it will go on and you will find yourself divorcing him in 10 years over something ridiculous like him leaving his pants on the floor.

Don't get emotional, or stressed. Don't bother with charts, or timetables, or rotas. He is a grown up and if you get tearful, he will see this as your issue. Just be calm and straight, you need him to see that you mean it. Tell him that if he can't look after himself and start taking responsibility then he will have to move out as you have no intention of sharing your life and house with a grown approximation of a teenage boy.

At least, this is what I wish I had said 10 years ago

I can totally relate. My clutter all started when DS' dad moved in
And finally ended about 1 year afetr he left to live with his secretary , when I Freecycled the last of his belongings he had left in my house.

It is nice to see that his house with the trollop is also cluttered and even more messy than mine was when he lived there!

I have no idea what to suggest, except does he know how stressed this is making you?