Messy and overwhelmed home

[JaneKensington]

Hi. I am a single mum of three (12, 16 and 18) and I work five days a week. I am clearly mentally ill and my home is a mess. Is there anyway of getting professional help to sort my home out and not be judged or looked down on. I really want to be normal but I am too embarrassed to let people see our home. My kids seem unable to tidy up and they've learned nothing from me. I mange to keep litter and waste out but it's a constant daily struggle. Thanks.

Can you afford to hire a cleaner?

You need a declutterer. I was in just your situation and was recommended someone local. She came to look, having firmly told me not to tidy up. She wanted to see exactly what needed doing. She came for several weeks, went through every thing with me and took away what I didn't want to keep. Not once did she make me feel ashamed of the mess and we laughed a lot while working through it

You work full time and you raise three kids by yourself! Having a messy home doesn't make you a bad person. You shouldn't talk about yourself like that.
Take the shame out of it. Its not helping.
Look on YouTube for realistic cleaning videos. Theres loads of amazing videos to help give you strategies.

She has THREE teenagers to rope into help. No need for a cleaner!

Is it possible for you to do anything at all? If not I would hire professional declutterers.

They'll come in and will ruthlessly clean the place out. I'd put aside sentimental items and tell them to do their worst.

Hi OP firstly what stands out to me is that you say you are clearly mentally ill. Are you getting help for your mental health through your GP or through counselling? I think before you really tackle your house you need to seek help for this first, do you have family or friends who can support you? Even if it's just to have a coffee and vent about your kids not helping! I have 3 unhelpful kids too and it drives me mad! In order to sort out your house you need to be in a better place mentally and have the energy too.
Secondly can you afford a professional declutterer? I don't think they are very cheap but even if you can afford one session it might just help get you started. If it's not an option for you there are lots of helpful videos online that might help motivate you. A good book I read was by the author KC Davis "how to keep house while drowning". It is a very non-judgmental book which was helpful to me as I struggle with depression, cleaning and motivation.
Lastly try not to be too hard on yourself. You have 3 kids and work full time! That's bloody hard! I honestly think the secret to keeping a tidy house is to declutter ruthlessly. I mean really clear the decks, only keep what you love or is useful. Nothing else. It makes tidying and cleaning so much easier. I read somewhere recently to imagine your house like a hotel room. Only have what is necessary, nothing non-essential (unless for sentimental reasons). Every item must earn it's place. Get your kids involved, give them bin bags and get them to sort through their stuff if you can. And if they won't do it, start small yourself, perhaps with the kitchen and clear one cupboard or surface every day. Wishing you all the best x

Firstly book a GP appointment to see if they can suggest anything
You’re keeping loads of plates spinning on your own so it’s not surprising you feel overwhelmed.
I think it would be a brilliant idea to find a professional declutterer to clear the decks, so to speak, and well worth the money
Once that’s done, you can then try The Organised Mum Method adapted to your needs to get into a routine
You can then delegate some tasks to your DC
Be kind to yourself. You matter more than clutter

She specifically said professional help

Some teenagers are just useless at this stage, especially if they are struggling. My eldest is tidy but my youngest has SEN and leaves everything like a pigsty. (Sorry pigs).

It's not your fault. Working 5 days a week with 3 teens would tip most houses into really messy territory, unless it's a large house with amazing storage.

Could you not rope in your teenagers for one day to help? Try to make it a fun day if possible with nice treats for you all and buy lovely smelling cleaning products, maybe nice candles for when you are finished. Also encourage them to declutter as much as possible.
Good luck x

@Stuffocationis spot on.

I am a single mum of 3 a bit younger her than yours, work full time outside the home (in a caring profession where you come home emotionally and physically exhausted each day 🤣) and I’m struggling with mental health as I have some serious legal shenanigans going on thanks to their father… I’m also renovating the house on a £0 budget as I couldn’t afford a decent house 😬

I found a lady near me who had an intro offer of 3 sessions of sorting. It’s expensive but it really worked for me. She has seen it all before, she doesn’t give a shit about the state of it- it’s her job!

she walked me through it and best of all she takes off the recycling/ donations there and then.

my children were keen to join in (get them to watch Sort your life out!) and it’s made them a bit more mindful of their crap. I was honest and said I couldn’t handle this all alone and they needed to support me with this.

there’s still a tonne of crap to do but it was a great start. I’ve promised myself I’ll get her back in when I’ve finished renovating more areas.

Family? Those kids ought to be cleaning for you, it's not anyone's fault but when I was twelve I had to work summer breaks to pay for my own clothes. its ok to ask for help

I know old hat now but the life changing magic of tidying by Marie Kondo really helped me and once decluttered 30 days to a clean and organised home by Katie berry then finally once on top of stuff follow the flylady.

Could you start off by tackling a small area of one room

i find that once I start in a small area I get caught up and end up doing more than planned

it’s very hard though when you come home and just want to crawl into bed but need to make DC meals and just basic stuff after a long hard day at work on your feet.

It might help watching ‘Clean it, fix it’ on iplayer for some hints and tips to tackle it

Watch series 3 episode 6 of Clean it, fix it

If your house looks like that you really need to crack on and sort it out.

if not take a deep sigh of relief and just tackle a small bit a day.

Bin old toys and clothes, or give them to charity within a week or bin.

If you have the energy for Vinted or EBay then you make some extra cash

I would persuade my DC to take photos of items to upload to sell on Vinted or EBay and letting them keep their place money received.

You can hire a cleaning company to do a deep clean which I’d advise

This kind of post isn’t helpful to this OP

Dear op

All these suggestions are only useful if you are able to put them into practice.

what is preventing you from being able to keep your house nice to live in at present?

what mental illness do you have and are you receiving treatment for this? Do you have any other support - from family maybe?

My top tip: Have less of everything. Less mugs, less underwear, less bottles of shower gel, literally less of every single item.

Good luck with getting on top of things- you can do this!

Is it primarily a cleaning problem or a decluttering one?

My instinct would be to hire an experienced cleaner for a few hours, being totally upfront that it is to help with the mess. Ideally a one man band who advertises as a housekeeper, or if not, one of their more experienced staff of a company who enjoy jobs where they get to use their initiative rather than just following a list.

Work with them dealing with decision making and rubbish. If you drive have a tip run booked for the end of the day.

That should help you see the wood for the trees and you can decide whether you want to book the same again, or a professional declutterer to deal with the "next level" deeper sorting.

Also I totally hear you about your teens being unhelpful, but I wonder if you could get them to all pitch in for half an hour (or whatever you can manage) before your professional comes. They don't need to clean but they can put stuff away or in the bin and make decisions about their own things.

Also @rickyrickygrimes is quite right. You need to look at the "why" too and what support you might need to get started.

Some good suggestions upthread. I have been where you are. My contribution:

1. Prioritise taking care of your mental health if you aren't already (possibly GP, possibly counselling, possibly anti-depressants or HRT, of just learning to talk to yourself with kindness and compassion, possibly all of the above)
2. Watch "sort your life out" with your kids (many series on iplayer -- we've watched all of them, taught my kids about compassion, why stuff is an issue, why it can be hard to get rid of, how much better people feel when they sort, that keeping on top of things is a family affair)
3. If you can afford to, hire a declutterer. I started last year, blocked out a half day a week to work on the house, sometimes with declutterer, sometimes on my own. (I found declutterer through the council website who linked to professional association of home organisers and declutterers or some such). Didn't manage a half day every week (life) but was pretty consistent and did not expect anything much to happen in any given session. Working with a declutterer was a game changer and worth every single penny. As someone upthread said, the difference to me was she took stuff away. It has taken us a year and we are not 100% but the house is SOOOO different. We halved our posessions then halved them again. Keeping clean and tidy is not 100% there now but is so much easier.
4. If / when you do start work on your own or with support, take before AND after photos.

Be kind to yourself. You are really really not alone. Good luck x