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Housekeeping

Find cleaning advice from other Mumsnetters on our Housekeeping forum.

Original poster

Boyfriend doesn’t lift a finger in the house and I’m exhausted

42 replies

Astra2025 · 09/04/2025 16:49

Currently I stay at home and look after our 3 month old whilst my boyfriend works. Maintaining the house, laundry and cooking are my job and I’m ok with this, pulling my weight is important to me and I’ve always happily done these things in the relationship. However, since our baby was born it’s been SO much harder to keep up with it all and I feel completely burnt out mentally and physically.

In the first 2 weeks of my daughter’s life, he cooked for me a few times and helped out with house stuff and I felt so lucky and relieved, but it all abruptly ended after that. I remember then doing the laundry and cleaning whilst the baby slept, trying to keep my legs together as my stitches were hurting and my back was in agony. It was all just immediately down to me again and that was really hard whilst navigating having a new baby and very limited sleep.

I accept my role at the moment and am just about ok to balance all actual cleaning, laundry and cooking duties with caring for our newborn, but he doesn’t appreciate what I’m doing and the mess he makes everywhere he goes is ridiculous and sets me back constantly. I find it disrespectful. He won’t even put his plate in the dishwasher after dinner or put his rubbish in the bin rather than on the floor or table, and acts like he’s done me a huge favour if he does on a rare occasion because I’ve plucked up the courage to ask him. Every single day he comes in and puts his coat and bag on the floor, and every day I point it out, ask him to hang it up. He laughs, thinking im ‘nagging’ but to me it’s a simple and bare-minimum request. He also won’t do it, he makes up strange excuses and we’re in a standoff about it. I find it really rude because often I very clearly have cleaned the house top to bottom, and personally I just couldn’t imagine coming in and dumping my coat on the floor even if the house wasn’t spotless.

I’ve tried to communicate to him that I am burnt out and that I need little bits of help here and there such as taking the bin out, putting his dirty clothes in the basket and not on the floor, but he dismisses it, laughs as if I’m joking, and just takes no action. He will not take me seriously or listen to me and thinks I’m just moaning and being ‘a classic mum’ I feel.

It’s actually getting to the point it’s making me seriously resent him. As I’ve mentioned I happily accept the role of keeping the house, but I guess I want to know if people think it’s fair to want him to just pick up after himself a bit more?

OP posts:
Mulledjuice · 09/04/2025 16:51

Sorry, what??
Maintaining the house, laundry and cooking are my job AND looking after a 3 month old?

That is not your fair share. That's bonkers.

endofthelinefinally · 09/04/2025 16:52

Well at least he is just a boyfriend. Hopefully it will be easier to disentangle yourself from him. He sounds immature and selfish.

Stillcuriouserstill · 09/04/2025 16:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Hadalifeonce · 09/04/2025 16:54

Your BF is taking the piss. It is not normal to not pick up after yourself, or put dirty dishes in the dishwasher.

You have to tell him that you will not be doing these things for him in future, it's up to him to pull his weight in your 'partnership'.

Lamelie · 09/04/2025 16:54

Lose your shit.
Ignore the dumped bag and coat. Cook for yourself and do yours and babies laundry.
Tell him to do his share and stop doing his.

ItTook9Years · 09/04/2025 16:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

The same, if I’m reading the OP right.

OP, I have never taken full responsibilities for domestic work, even with a newborn and a husband that worked away 6 days a week I did less than half, because my “job” was keeping the baby (and myself) alive.

Time to redress this balance, but I fear you’ve let him get away with it for too long already.

SpringIsSpringing25 · 09/04/2025 16:56

Are you physically scared of him?

Are you scared He'll leave?

What is stopping you from telling him to pick them up instead of asking nicely? Asking nicely clearly has had no effect.

I know it's hard when you have a tiny baby, but I don't think this arse wipe is going to get any better and I'd be working on how to get either me and the baby out or him out. Depending on the housing situation.

Stripeyanddotty · 09/04/2025 16:57

Another fucking useless man.
Just cut your losses and leave him.

ItTook9Years · 09/04/2025 16:57

Why are you cleaning “top to bottom” anyway?

gerispringer · 09/04/2025 16:58

No one expects a spotless house with a newborn do they? I’d just do the bare minimum for myself and baby, ask him to pay for a cleaner.

Cerialkiller · 09/04/2025 16:58

Op I hope your name is on the deeds of the house. You are in a very vulnerable position and dp knows this conciously or unconsciously. Abusive behaviours often starts after a baby arrives for this very reason, when you have very few options.

Being very very optimistic, dp just has no idea how difficult it is doing what you are doing. Either leave him with the baby for a morning if you can, or you can simply add up how much free time/sleep you get individually and the raw numbers might help him see.

I assume he did all this stuff before the baby? It's not a good sign. Who just dumps all their stuff, what a child.

Either looking after a baby is easy, in which case he won't mind 'helping' OR it's fucking difficult and he should be helping. It can't be easy and a small deal for you to do while hard and a big deal for him to do.

Deadringer · 09/04/2025 17:04

He is lazy, entitled and disrespectful, and if he is this awful when you have a small baby he will get worse. He thinks that all the household chores are your job, and looking after the baby is some sort of nice hobby for you. I wouldn't be doing a bloody thing for him, he needs to shape up or ship out.

Shinyandnew1 · 09/04/2025 17:19

Who did all the house stuff before you had a baby?

Original poster
Astra2025 · 09/04/2025 17:26

SpringIsSpringing25 · 09/04/2025 16:56

Are you physically scared of him?

Are you scared He'll leave?

What is stopping you from telling him to pick them up instead of asking nicely? Asking nicely clearly has had no effect.

I know it's hard when you have a tiny baby, but I don't think this arse wipe is going to get any better and I'd be working on how to get either me and the baby out or him out. Depending on the housing situation.

Thanks for your reply :) I wouldn’t say I’m literally ‘scared’ of him but am scared of arguing with him if you know what I mean? He’s always lovely but can occasionally switch up quickly when he’s annoyed and can get nasty and unpredictable I haaate that. I think you’re right though and I need to just rip the plaster off, stop saying it nicely and take the necessary actions for me and baby if he reacts badly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Astra2025 · 09/04/2025 17:28

Thanks for your replies everyone, appreciate them and feel validated and empowered!

OP posts:
uncomfortablydumb60 · 09/04/2025 17:33

He’s not “ mentally” old enough to be a father. He’s an overgrown teenager
Do the bear
minimum and concentrate on your baby

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 09/04/2025 17:33

It's thirty odd years ago now, but my XH was like this. EVERYTHING in the WORLD was my job. All he had to do was get up and go to work. I had to do everything else; shop, clean, cook, look after the baby... and he would drop stuff, eat dinner and put his plate on the floor, drop dirty clothes everywhere and he didn't see a problem with this. My job was to clean. Why should HE have to put his washing in the basket just to make my job easier?

It did not end well. I eventually kicked him out, because he couldn't see he was doing anything wrong. He didn't pay a penny. Because, as his refrain so frequently was 'why should I?'

Read him the riot act, OP, and see what his reply is. Take it from there.

BellissimoGecko · 09/04/2025 17:35

Your job is to recover from giving birth, and to look after the baby. That’s it.

Your bf needs to be stepping up here and looking after you.

He sounds like a complete bellend.

What was he like before you had the baby??

whatswrongwivme · 09/04/2025 17:39

You have let him walk all over you for so long now that it will be extremely difficult for you to do a u-turn, but that is the only way you are going to sort this out.

He works eight hours a day to bring in the money, you should only have to work eight hours a day. Think about it that way. Why should he work eight hours and you work three times that by being on duty 24 hours? Is that being partners ? or is that one person exploiting and using an abusing the other ?

the first thing you can do to try to get some fairness back is to show him you are serious by immediately withdrawing everything that you do for him. You can start with absolutely no sexual contact what so ever. I doubt very much whether you are having intercourse because of your stitches etc but if you are doing anything else for him stop immediately.

Have your main meal before he gets home from work full then, when he asks where dinner is, flop on the sofa and say you're absolutely exhausted and you can't even stand up and your stitches hurt and everything hurts and you're still recovering and he wants any dinner he's going to have to make it himself.

Don't do his laundry. Just do your own and tell him you're just too tired to do everything for three people.

I doubt very much whether you will do this because if you were the sort of woman who could demand equality in a relationship you would not have got yourself into the mess you're in now. However this is the only way you are going to fix this situation.

He has no respect for you and the only way you're going to get it is by going on strike. Let's see if he's still happy to throw his head back and laugh when there's no dinner on the table or sex in the bedroom.

SpringIsSpringing25 · 09/04/2025 22:41

Astra2025 · 09/04/2025 17:26

Thanks for your reply :) I wouldn’t say I’m literally ‘scared’ of him but am scared of arguing with him if you know what I mean? He’s always lovely but can occasionally switch up quickly when he’s annoyed and can get nasty and unpredictable I haaate that. I think you’re right though and I need to just rip the plaster off, stop saying it nicely and take the necessary actions for me and baby if he reacts badly.

Show quote history

If he is that scary and unpredictable, just play nice for now and get the fuck out of there!!

To anywhere you and the baby will be safe, you can sort everything out from a safe place

Maitri108 · 09/04/2025 22:48

I got to him throwing rubbish on the floor and expecting you to pick it up

You don't want to hear what I think of an individual who would treat the mother of his child with such contempt. I will say that he's unlikely to change and he doesn't respect you.

findingnibbles · 09/04/2025 22:51

He’s a disgusting arsehole. I say go on strike OP. Was about to issue my very first ever LTB, but appreciate this might not be helpful right now OP. Personally I would seriously be reconsidering the relationship though, even if it meant biding my time. You’re right, he is disrespectful. You’re not his indentured slave or hired help.

Endofyear · 09/04/2025 23:14

With a very young baby, I would be doing the bare minimum of housework, I certainly wouldn't be cleaning the house from top to bottom! If he leaves his clothes on the floor, don't wash them. If he leaves his dirty plate in the kitchen, stop cooking for him. If you don't take a stand now, he'll continue to walk all over you.

Is the house in both your names? I'm worried that you are in a precarious financial position if you are unmarried and living in his house and not earning anything 😳

LuxuryWoman2020 · 09/04/2025 23:24

Another arsehole who shows his true colours when a baby arrives.

You're on maternity, not servant duty. The focus is baby, not housework.
I was lucky to have an easy baby and a small house so I could do it all but my partner still did most meals for ages and never complained or made extra work.

Nip it in the bud or get rid because the alternative is years of resentment