This thread is about how to share household chores fairly. I must warn you that it's going to be a long message.
I live with my ex bf in my house. No children. We broke up a couple of years ago but have continued to live together as we get on well and I prefer to live with him than some random lodger (as I couldn't afford to live on my own). He also prefers to live with me as he pays as much as a lodger renting a room but he shares the house with just me, stores his stuff in the loft, etc. We both benefit from living together as we both acknowledge this. We carry out household chores in the same way we did it when we were together.
I do all the house cleaning and most of the gardening. I also do all the little tasks that need doing but most men don't notice - e.g cleaning the birds bath, watering indoors and outdoors plant pots, sweeping the patio, etc etc
He fills and empties the dishwasher (80% of the time, but he doesn't clean the sink when he puts the dirty dishes in the dishwasher and he doesn't hand wash things that can't go in the dishwasher so I end up doing that). He takes the bins out (which takes a few mins each week). He does most of the food shopping (we pay 50/50). He does the occasional weeding or watering in the garden.
I feel like I'm always doing more than him as house-cleaning can take a few hours a fortnight with top-ups throughout the week either cleaning the bathroom, hoovering the kitchen, cleaning the kitchen surfaces and so on. Gardening in the warm seasons can take aaages, but he argues that it's my choice to have a lush garden and to grow vegetables. I can't argue with that - although he does enjoy eating my vegetables. He also argues that the house doesn't need to be this clean whilst I argue that I don't want to live in a pigsty. Just to say that the house is not immaculate but it is clean and tidy- that's how I like to live and I expect anyone who shares my home to live by the same standards, otherwise they can move out.
I've been complaining about spending more time on house-chores than him and I wanted him to show some gratitude and appreciation. Instead, he argued that he is the one who spends more time on housework than me! I felt quite upset by this. In the summer months I can spend most of the weekend cleaning and gardening. So I suggested swapping our housework tasks, so we can see exactly how the other feels. He'd do the cleaning. I'd do the bins, dishwasher and lawnmowing. I'd continue doing other all the other random bits that need doing but he never sees. So not entirely a complete swap. Gardening also remains my responsibility because a 'lodger' wouldn't be expected to do any gardening. I suggested giving it a few months to see the full impact. I was convinced that after a few weeks he'd apologise, admit that my job is harder than his, and ask to swap back. This was a few months ago...
Once I started doing his tasks I could see that he did use spend a bit more time on his chores than I anticipated but I remain convinced that his old job is easier than mine. Taking the bins out does require remembering bin day but it only takes a few minutes to perform the action. Loading and unloading the dishwasher is not the most fun job, but I tend to do it in the morning while I wait for the kettle to boil, unlike him who needs to allocate separate time for this tasks (he just sits there staring at the kettle while he's waiting for it to boil). Food shopping can be time consuming, but useful as it means I get to stretch my legs on my way to the shop after a day of work. Plus I can always do online shopping. I haven't done any lawn mowing yet but this is only going to be a few times a year.
His experience of doing my old cleaning tasks started of well. In the first weekend he managed to clean the kitchen and hoover on a Saturday (with lots of tea breaks between each tiny task). On Sunday he cleaned the bathroom. No time for dusting or wiping marks off surfaces, but I guess it didn't really need doing on that first week. During the following week I had to remind him to keep the kitchen surfaces clean and to hoover the kitchen... I had some success with that. The following weekend he did the dusting. A bit more hoovering. Mopped the kitchen floor... No time for much else...We carried on like this for a while with me regularly having to help with the cleaning as I had people over for dinner etc. It's now several months later and other cleaning tasks which are carried out occasionally have became overdue. For example - cleaning the fridge, oven, microwave, wiping the kitchen cupboard doors, cleaning inside some kitchen cupboards, cleaning windows, cleaning the tiles by the cooker or sink, changing the filter from the cooker's extractor, cleaning floor corners (because dirt really shows when one simply mops or hoovers only the middle of a room for an extended period of time). If I point any of these 'bigger' tasks out he does one of them per week, but it takes him an entire day, so he does none of the regular cleaning that week.
In conclusion, whilst his old chores get done by me, my old cleaning chores don't get done properly by him! I have to constantly tell him which things need cleaning (as he just doesn't ''see'' the the dirt, he often blames his eyesight or glasses which is just hilarious). I'd ask ''have you cleaned the bathroom sink? ''. ''Yes'' would come his reply, when i can see clearly that all he'd done was wipe the tap . He insists that he is doing the cleaning and that his old tasks were definitely harder than mine, and that we should continue with the swap.
We've reached an impasse and I don't know how to resolve it. I don't want to suggest getting a cleaner because he won't cover the entire cost and I don't want to spend money on a cleaner just because he won't pull his weight. I guess I want him to acknowledge that cleaning can be hard work and time consuming, that I do more than him, and to offer to help me with bits and bobs for e.g sweeping the patio or wiping the kitchen surfaces without having to be 'nagged' by me to do it.
It would be good to know how you share housework and if you think I'm being unfair in my assessment.