House doesn't smell fresh. Ever.

[retreatingheadlights]

I clean my mum's bungalow top to bottom weekly and hoover most days. It never smells fresh when I walk in. There's an odour that I can't put my finger on. Like unwashed clothes or bedding except they are washed regularly. I change the bed every other week as there's only mum in it. The duvet is a couple of years old and looks new. New pillows. Mum showers every other day and washes her hair. The rubbish is put out every day that I'm here which is 4-5 days a week. She's not incontinent. It's a little bit old person house smell but not quite.
I've put Zoflora on the radiators this morning and did it at the beginning of the week too. It's not the drains. It's not the carpets and the windows are opened daily.
It's driving us mad and upsetting mum that her house smells.
Any ideas what it could be and how to fix it?

I feel so horrible being so repulsed by it and it doesn't help that my family take everything as a massive criticism and go all victim mentality rather than think what they can do about something. It's always the problem of the person who can smell it or see it or hear it whatever which is always me thinks up my extremely sensitive sense of smell and hearing. My mum only believes things if my sister can also hear/see/smell it 🙄 a medical issue was the most recent thing and she wouldn't see a doctor because I was the only one who could hear it. My sister eventually agreed she could too and lo and behold she was referred to the hospital urgently and a mom-worrying diagnosis made after imaging they proved I was correct. That doesn't mean of course that she's taking the medicine for it but gets annoyed with me about it. Which is my fault. I'm not in a good place today with this caring lark and feel overwhelmed.

Is your mum struggling to wash herself properly maybe?

I used to help look after my grandma. She was struggling with washing and sometimes smelled a bit, as she couldn't climb into the bath to have a shower. We got rid of the bath and had a double width shower cubicle installed and got a shower chair. She was much fresher after that and the house smelled fresher too!

She showers most days and doesn't seem to smell much herself but clothes and the air itself has that odour. Dressing gowns are particularly bad as is her pillow.
Clothes seem to smell very quickly.

She's independent with the shower and I gave no concerns there.

Sometimes houses do just have an underlying smell - now that the weather's getting warmer, hopefully she'll be able to open her windows and doors more to get fresh air circulating through.

My house is also cleaned daily and bedding washed weekly, oven and fridge always clean etc but our house does sometimes still get a weird smell - not dirty but not really pleasant either and I find that disinfectants, air fresheners and cleaning products only mask it but when I open the windows it does clear up properly.

Is it possibly a residual smell from her heating? So the rooms being heated but not having air circulating so a stale smell forms? That's what I'm thinking our issue could be.

"and it doesn't help that my family take everything as a massive criticism and go all victim mentality rather than think what they can do about something."

This is hard on you I know, but it's very upsetting to be told you smell. It's hard not to take it as very personal and critical, however kindly it's put. And everything she sees you do to address the smell or find the source must feel like another reminder/criticism.

Vicks under the nose, or similar eg tiger balm, and I like Neutradol gel air freshener if you can find it.

Horrible thought but is it possible she might have an ulcer that she is either unaware of, or hiding? I hope it just old person smell and not that.

https://www.hollandandbarrett.com/shop/product/puressentiel-purifying-air-spray-60043804?skuid=043804&utm_campaign=shopping&utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiA8fW9BhC8ARIsACwHqYosg9QXmDSAi-dQm4ExPRUL4Ju8gWHZxCuNX8gAznaGBiQMw-AmjJUaAg-6EALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

Obviously not a real fix if there is an underlying cause, but this stuff is excellent, it doesn't just cover up odours

@retreatingheadlights just read your last post. Please get an assessment done via adult social services because this sitation sounds difficult, espcially if she is not taking advice/meds.

Alternatively, have a very frank discussion with her GP. They won't be able to discuss her medical problems without her consent but you can express your worries re meds etc and sometimes a visit from the health visiting team under the guise of a checkup can encourage people to accept more help.

Replace her pillows if they smell .

Wash dressing gowns on a long wash with bio detergent on a long wash and dry quickly. It sounds like things aren't getting dry quickly enough and that can be a really awful smell.

We have an old dehumidifier that was a Which? best buy. I had no thoughts about replacing it, but I did and the difference is amazing. It's a Meaco Arete and I would consider an upgrade if damp is an issue.

I’ve ordered some of the room spray. I can’t get rid of the smell. I’m washing her clothes more often and still the house smells. It’s definitely scalp smell after many, many attempts to locate the smell. I’ve changed her shampoo to a citrus one. I’ve got the Japanese soap. Dressing gowns are the worst offenders. The windows are open, I hoover daily, clean weekly, bedding changed weekly. Sadly she’s not well enough to be showering daily but does shower every other day.

This is what I was thinking. It's kind of the smell of charity shops.

OP, you deserve a medal for everything you are doing for your DM. This caring lark just isn’t fun at all and I’m not at all surprised that you’re feeling over-whelmed, it’s really tough. No advice to give on eradicating smells, you just get my most sparkly gold star of the day 🌟

@Biscuitburglarthank you. I’m very irritable and not worthy of any award at all. I’ve got my ds on half days at school due to an injury, but off today because he’s not up to going in, my Dd is stressed with her upcoming GCSEs, I’m trying to keep things afloat at home as well as be there for Mum and I feel I’m failing everyone while being accused of being lazy because I don’t have a “proper job” according to some. I don’t work apparently so I can do everything. I’ve got a weeks holiday booked in the summer holidays and will be hopefully off duty for the entire time although I’ll still be providing emotional support over the phone to some extent and organising an online shop. It feels relentless at times. My mum is lovely though. I just wish my siblings would do something to help sometimes. My sister lives 5 miles away “but she works!” so she can’t possibly do anything. She does shifts and has two days off a week and goes to visit friends for entire weekends 5 hours away but can’t help mum. My brothers live too far away and have health issues. I do too! My dc have already said they don’t want to look after me when I’m older so I do worry about the effect this has on them but I’m mainly with mum when they are at school. Thanks for the vent!

@retreatingheadlights you spotted something through smell before so I can understand it worries you now. I’m worried about you burning out - you sound like you’re doing a lot for 2 households and your mums needs are increasing in the slow creeping way they do.

May I ask if your mum has any external help at all? How will she cope with the plumber as a stranger in her home?

I suggest your mum starts having some external help - even just a cleaner. This will build resilience and be less reliant on you - it’s a risk relying so much on 1 person and easier to add help if some is already accepted.

In time, a care needs assessment too. Plus if you don’t have it, your mum should consider completing Lasting Power of Attorneys.

Sofa, furniture, inside wardrobes etc might need a good clean and air?

I was going to say this, the unfortunate reality is that humans develop an odour as they get older, its to do with how the body processes fats, its normal and natural but I find it unpleasant

The japanese use a particular soap as they're quite conscious of it.

LPAs are in place with me being the attorney. My siblings kicked off about that at the time big style. They weren’t happy that I was doing it but at the same time there were cries of “I WORK Headlights!” Proper fall out.

Every so often Mum’s condition worsens temporarily and she needs more help. The last 2 weeks have been bad and it’s unfortunately coincided with my ds suffering an injury that means half days at school. I went to M&S and got her lots of ready meals and easy to cook things because she was struggling to even stand to cook. She’s had her medication increased and is doing a little better since yesterday. A walk-in shower has been fitted and they are half way through sorting external level access to her property which means she’ll be able to take her own washing out to the line and get out safely and easily.
A care assessment has been done but because she doesn’t need much personal care adult social care have said they can’t offer anything. They were pretty useless before when she’d suffered injuries that meant she couldn’t do much. The calls were at inconvenient times of day and the carers were rubbish. Mum is also very good at saying she’s fine to professionals which is very frustrating. They suggested the befriending service offered by Age UK but there was a long waiting list and they said it’s for people who have no-one at all to talk to. No family or friends and truly alone. Mum needs me to:
Clean
Garden
Shop
Emotional support
Physical support
Liaising with medical professionals
Organising and collecting/arranging delivery of prescriptions
Accompanying to appointments
Taking shopping
Laundry
Cooking sometimes
Form filling and all admin tasks
Shopping for clothes, gifts, greetings cards
Financial support with banking (she uses a banking app for basics)
Paying bills/organising direct debits, fixing gas and electricity tariffs, speaking to companies about bills
Sorting her transport needs for appointments.

There’s probably more but these are the ones off the top of my head.

Mum did have a gardener but I’ve taken over that role because I really enjoy it and was doing most of it anyway. The gardener was £25 an hour and not much got done despite the gardener being excellent. There was just too much work to make much progress. Being out in the garden is great and I really do love it. I’ve made a huge difference to the garden and because she’s stuck at home most of the time having the garden looking good gives her a lot of joy. We go to the garden centre together and choose plants. It’s my favourite part of my role and one that mum really values. A cleaner would cost a lot and I can whip round the bungalow in an hour including changing the bed.
I’m claiming carer’s element of UC and am supposed to do 35 hours of caring for that £68 something a week. If I’m not physically there I’m emailing or phoning or shopping, online shopping, or doing something at home for Mum along with my own things. Today I need to pick up a birthday card on the way up, collect a vinted parcel and finish off the gardening from yesterday. Tomorrow is my day off but I’m likely to do something for her even if it’s just an online shop. I don’t feel I can do less because then I wouldn’t be entitled to the carer’s element and would need to get a full time job which would mean mum and my dc suffer because they all need extra support from me. I don’t know how I’d cope with ft work after 18 years away from FT. My sickness record was awful due to burnout and my own physical health issues. I do plan on going back to work though. I’m not work shy.
Mum does give me some money for what I do out of her attendance allowance.
I feel a bit stuck really and guilty for not having a “proper job” combined with the awful fear of what will I do when mum’s not here?

It’s helping to have a vent 😁

It’s works out at £3.75 an hour 🤣 got to laugh otherwise I’d cry.

It is the damp that you're smelling and that needs to be treated ASAP.

Does your mum receive DLA/PIP because you can apply for carers allowance or carers credit if you earn above a certain income threshold.

https://www.gov.uk/carers-allowance

https://www.gov.uk/carers-credit

https://www.carersuk.org/

She gets Attendance Allowance. Looking after her I my job, I’m not otherwise employed. I don’t have time because I’m with her most days.

@retreatingheadlights you are being an amazing daughter and I see you’ve done so much planning ahead. I appreciate your finances and maybe your identity are wrapped up in looking after others and it suits you better than the paid work your siblings have chosen. If and when the time comes to find something else, your experience with LPA admin is likely to be a valuable skill.

I still suggest you focus on the things you enjoy doing for and with your mum to keep yourself going - maybe keep the gardening and think of a cleaner as building your mum’s resilience if you were unable to clean (I’ve had covid 3 times and flu). If you ever need to vent please join us over in Elderly Parents in the Cockroach Cafe where we understand the struggle with caring (and difficult siblings).

Its an absolute disgrace isnt it.