How to help parents declutter (when they really don't want to!).

[TheKatzKlaws]

I am 32 weeks pregnant and have been having a major declutter since pregnancy started to prepare for the baby (we live in a 1 bedroom flat so have been forced to confront the amount of stuff I had accumulated). I have actually enjoyed the process and whilst it has been difficult in some ways it has made me look differently at what is and isn't important to me.

My parents house is a different story. It is extremely cluttered to the point my mum really struggles with cleaning (my dad isn't really bothered about keeping clean and tidy). I would say both of them are hoarders to different extremes, my mum is terrible for buying things she doesn't need (like if on offer) and keeps stacks of magazines and cookery books, whereas my dad insists on keeping everything!! My mum would like to tackle the issue, but my dad is not interested and will not throw things out, which is really starting to upset her. I would also like them to spend time with the baby when it comes and could do with their help with childcare when I go back to work, but the unclean and in some cases unsafe environment worry me. I don't want to give then ultimatum i.e. sort yourselves out or I'm not bringing the baby round. But want to help and encourage them. Me and my husband are going round on the weekend to help dad in the garden and we have hired a skip so want to make the most of the opportunity.

Sorry for the long post. Essentially I would love peoples advice, especially if you have been in this situation with a loved one.

Thank you!

If they offer you something, take it and bin it, but don’t tell them. It’s what I do.

If your mum is wanting to start the process then get her to put some stuff in skip but don't put pressure on her, just encourage and support.

My father is in a 4 bedroomed house and can't have overnight visitors as his 'sorting out' has taken over every bedroom..... He says he'll sort it when he's ready (I'll be sorting it when he dies) so for now if he gives us stuff we smile, take it, say thank you and grow it away at our home.... Good luck!

Encourage your stuff to sort out the stuff which belongs solo to her first.

I've always been reluctant to do this but will definitely going forward!

If your dad's not on board then, realistically, you're not going to get them to change much. I presume they're not particularly old.
You can encourage them but you need to be realistic. Do you want to be tackling this at 32 weeks pregnant? It's as much a mental and emotional challenge as a physical one, and it's not even your house. Plus you may find that the space gained will soon be re filled.

Can your mum not do child care in your flat, if necessary?

Can they offer childcare in your own home? I look after my grandchild in her home most weeks.

Could you kindly say (not an ultimatum) that you'd like them to spend time with the baby but you're concerned about safety in their house, and you'd prefer if they babysat at your flat? Might motivate them to clear out. Would it work to do a 'sort your life out' tactic of emptying a whole room into the garden, cleaning the room, and only putting back what they want?

Thank you for all the suggestions of having childcare at my flat, and that would be an ideal situation. Unfortunately we live in a second floor flat with several flights of narrow stairs which my mum in particular really struggles with.

@Lifeinlists you are right I shouldn't really be trying to deal with this right now, I think it's just having dealt with my own home recently has urged this on.

I might just have to try a gentle approach this weekend and conversations, and accept whatever comes of it.

Is there anything of yours still lurking in their house that you could remove, as an easy start?

Or anything that (ahem) you think might possibly be in the back of that cupboard, if only you could get to it?

There will be so much of my stuff up in the loft (which I will be happy to be rid of, old books, posters, comics) - the trouble is getting around all the other stuff to retrieve it! Could be a good excuse to clear the loft out for starters... 🤔

I mean this with so much grace.

It is not your place to declutter their home. Do just what is asked of you. Just because you have changed your ways does not mean they have to.

I am a clutter person in comparison to my family and I feel judged.

I high recommend your mum listening to The Declutter Hub Podcast. They also have a Facebook group that is the most supportive environment I have seen on the internet.

I appreciate this perspective. I know it is not my place but I would like to try and help them get started as the state of their home is really upsetting my mum and starting to affect their quality of life.

I will take this onboard and will definitely share the podcast and Facebook group. Thank you!

“Unfortunately we live in a second floor flat with several flights of narrow stairs which my mum in particular really struggles with.” Sound like she would struggle to look after a toddler anyway.

It's emotional getting rid of things accumulated over a lifetime and easier to give a way to other people rather than send to land fill. Take photos of sentimental objects, favourite outfits etc.

Get your mum to do her spaces first, whereever she most often frequents.

So clothes, get rid of anything that doesn't fit, or wouldn't be fit to give away.

Bedding and towels they've probably accumulated loads over the years. Bedding charity shopped, towels to a local animal rescue centre.

Crockery and cutlery, how much mismatched crockery have they accumulated, do they entertain and need lots or could they down size? Time to get a fresh set.

Magazines, take a photo or cut out any tempting recipes, then most areas allow magazines in green recycling. If a hobby magazine like crochet then charity shop or nursing home.

Books, any books that have been read but won't be ready again charity shop them

Tupperware, match all boxes to lids, recycle any that don't have a pair, or are stained or cracked. Then charity shop for good quality bits and recycling for others.

If your Mum would struggle with a couple of flights of stairs up to your flat, I'm not sure how she would manage with a toddler, for childcare purposes?

However, re the de-cluttering, I would help her declutter her stuff when she says she would like to. I would also say you'd like all your stuff now you are an adult. Obviously you can choose to keep or throw, but it will be gone from their house. Whilst in the loft, you could clear that.

It is not your place to declutter their home.

It will be though, in the future. If OP can support her Mum to start clearing some things now, it will help a lot.

Me and my husband are going round on the weekend to help dad in the garden and we have hired a skip so want to make the most of the opportunity.

This is going to backfire spectacularly.

Your parents are both hoarders, and they will not let go of their things. Not for you, not for them, not for your baby. You will not be able to use them for childcare in their home, ever, so the sooner you accept this and make other plans, the better. You are not going to be able to change them.

Little and often- don’t make a big deal of it. When they get a charity bag, try to persuade them to fill it. Get them in the habit of getting rid of stuff and it may snowball when they realise they don’t miss what’s already gone.

@Singleandproud Thank you this is really helpful! X

I would love a DD like you who helped me get the house and garden decluttered. It is so much more motivating for me to have people around and you can make a big impact more quickly so encouraging.

If it’s affecting your mum’s peace of mind I do think it’s your business while being sensitive to your dad too. Can you choose one small area to focus on somthey see the before and after. Make clear piles of keep recycle etc so they are in control of decisions.

I did this with my DMIL and cleared her whole very full bedroom of five wardrobes in two days by holding up clothes and asking questions (out of these ten white shirts which ones are your favourite?!) We found some lost precious things and she told me some great neverbeforeheard stories from her past. She loved it and was delighted to let things go as it was to help hospice.

Good luck OP.

I did this with my DMIL and cleared her whole very full bedroom of five wardrobes in two days by holding up clothes and asking questions (out of these ten white shirts which ones are your favourite?!) We found some lost precious things and she told me some great neverbeforeheard stories from her past.

That's lovely.

We did something similar but after my mother's death. She had a crammed wardrobe full of carefully matched outfits (dress, jacket, necklace etc) and my dad, who hadn't yet been able to cry, told us the events where each outfit had been worn, who had been there and how proud he had been of her. By the end we were all in floods. And then off it all went to the Sally Army, minus a memento or two.

Thank you @Hollyhocksandlarkspur and @SpanielintheWorks this is the kind of help I would like to give. I think I will definitely focus on mum as others have suggested as well and help with some cleaning where I can to take some of the weight off.

Really appreciate the advice here. X

I think it might actually be quite nice (but time consuming), if there are particular stories attached to particular item to take a photo and write it down in a scrapbook. That way the memory stays but the item can go and it would make a lovely bit of hand me down social/family history.
And you can do the same now you are starting a family, photo of baby's first baby grow etc so you don't forget or start storing things too.

In my parents house there is loads of mismatched crockery, some from my grandparents house that I remember as a child, other bits that we had growing up, the surviving bits from when I went to uni - each with a memory attached.
It's a bit like when you go into a charity shop and see something that transports you back to your younger years

I would love a DD like you who helped me get the house and garden decluttered. It is so much more motivating for me to have people around and you can make a big impact more quickly so encouraging.

Me too.
I think I could make some real progress if there was someone there encouraging me. Even more so if they would take stuff away.