Dividing chores fairly

[DeeDes]

Hi!

I’m new to Mumsnet — we’ve just had our first child.

Has the unequal distribution of chores (one person doing an unfair share) been an issue for anyone here?

If so, how have you dealt with it? Hoping you can share any recommendations.

Thanks in advance!

I appreciate you're new but if you search the relationships board (not this board which is more for tips and recommendations for cleaning/housekeeping) you'll find literally thousands of posts on this topic. Cleaning/chores and childcare and the unequal division of the same seem to be the number 1 source of relationship strife for mums in the UK, based purely off MN anyway.

It's interesting you say both unequal and unfair division of chores in your post. I would say unequal doesn't always have to mean unfair, but if either party feels the division is unfair then of course it's a problem. Resentment will build over time and it's not an exaggeration to say it can ruin a relationship. This is a blog post by a man in this situation often recommended on here explaining why small things like housework can become really big issues https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Essentially as an old curmodgeon who's been around here ages my summary of the many many MN threads I've read on this topic are:

1. In most relationships there is a degree of mismatch of expectations regarding how clean a house should be kept, how often things like laundry need to be done, whether it's acceptable to leave dirty dishes in the sink and for how long etc etc. Usually but not always it's the woman who has the 'higher standards' and the man who wants to be more relaxed and prioritise leisure time or whatever over chores.
2. While it's just the couple living alone and while there's the loveliness of new love/honeymoon period to smooth over any little difficulties this doesn't really matter too much, two average adults don't make that much mess after all and the tidier/cleaner/more obsessive half of the relationship will often fall into the habit of doing more of the housework particularly on the organisation/proactive side, s/he may even rationalise this as enjoying housework as a hobby or that's it's fine because they have higher standards after all. But maybe little resentments do start to creep in like the man putting his cup on the side of the dishwasher every day and the wife slowly getting more and more enraged by it. But no-one tends to say anything because it isn't really a big deal.
3. Then a baby comes and it all falls apart because (a) suddenly everyone is much, much more tired and stressed than before (b) there's way more chores to do, extra laundry, extra mess etc (c) the woman is on maternity leave and so is at home more and (usually) doing more of the babycare too, maybe injured from the birth and trying to establish breastfeeding etc, maybe PM depressed as well (d) neither of them have as much time for themselves and their hobbies and interests. Often the man will have the expectation that as she's the one at home the woman should do all (or most) of the babycare and a lot more of the housework than she did previously, the woman however will feel that the man really ought to step up and either do more housework or spend all his time when he's home from work looking after the baby so she can rest or have time to herself. All of a sudden the housework, while not the most important thing in the scheme of things can become the battleground because of the mismatched expectations that were never properly addressed or communicated in the first place.
4. Then maybe the woman goes back to work, or goes part-time or has a second baby, and the issue compounds - should chores and childcare now be 50:50 or perhaps because the woman is now working not full time and the man is the breadwinner (or vice versa) she needs to do it all regardless - should childcare be the priority for the non working parent or should they do more of the housework too? Should carving out leisure time and family time in busy weeks be more important than hoovering and laundry? Should they get a cleaner or is that money better spent on a holiday? There are no absolute right and wrong answers to these questions - who gets to decide if they disagree, the man because he earns the money or the woman because she's the one who spends more time at home? Again if these issues go unaddressed the person in the relationship with those pesky 'higher standards' usually ends up doing more simply because they're the one more bothered by the mess/dirt but that doesn't mean they're happy about it. This can go on for years and years with resentment building, it doesn't always dramatically cause a relationship breakdown, some people live like this forever and never even discuss it but it isn't healthy IMO

Personally I think the only way forward is open and honest communication from as early as possible and compromise on both sides. If one person is very house proud they may need to accept these standards slipping in the early days of having a baby, if everyone is fed and has clean clothes to wear that may be enough. Whereas if the other hates chores and would happily live in squalor they have to put more effort in because a baby isn't safe in that environment. If it means a rota or similar then fine, there are some quite good apps that make that very easy (I recently started using Tody which is very easy to set up and use). But also both halves of the relationship need to agree and understand that the choice to have a baby does inevitably mean feeling much more tired and having a lot less time for yourself than before, and since both of you made that choice that should apply equally whether you're the one working/earning the money or the one staying at home with the baby (or even if you decide to both work or share the staying at home equally) - honest conversations about what takes priority in that instance and a fair division of total labour and 'time off' can truly save a relationship IMO.

Thanks so much! Really appreciate your advice/summary and I'll also take a look at those other threads.