Am I lazy? How do people do housework with young kids?

[TiredMummma]

Long rant apologies!

I have 2 under 2 - youngest is 4 months - and I'm just exhausted permanently. I'm an 'older' mum (by which I mean I'm 35), but my eldest is at nursery 3 days a week. I try my best on the two days I have both kids to get out and about and do fun things for the toddler. On the other 3, my time seems to be taken up with naps/feeding/playing/naps/visits & food shopping. I never seem to have enough time to do housework and I know my partner is a bit frustrated about it.

Does anyone have any strategies or should we accept it's just going to be difficult for the next couple of years?

My 4mo still contact naps for 3 hours a day. I do use the sling but she's heavy and I can't really bend down and do things like fill the dishwasher or hoover until she is awake. She wakes within 20 minutes if in the cot, and then becomes grumpy until her next nap, and is too young to nap alone, so it's not an option. I feel like the only thing I can really do is clothes (washing/hanging/putting away) but even that's gone downhill this week. I know my husband thinks I'm a bit lazy but I've not slept much due to 4mo sleep regression.

Is it unreasonable that I feel like it's ok whilst our family still adjusts and my LO starts to nap better to accept the house will be a bit of a mess? Not dirty, just messy.

My partner gets home from work and then spends 3 hours doing all the housework/cooking meaning he is not spending it with the kids before bedtime. I've tried to swap with my partner so I catch-up on housework when he gets home - but if the kids know I am in the house they just go mental - baby cries, toddler just yells 'mummy mummy mummy' and again I get very little done in comparison.

What are we/am I doing wrong? Am I lazy? Do I just need to drink more coffee and step up my game?

I remember that stage well. It’s tough. I notice you say that you are tired from the regression. Are you dealing with the night disturbances alone? If so, I think that is the first thing to change, DH should be helping IMO. If DC want you, could DH take them out for a walk to the park or something when he gets in from work. Fresh air will help tire them out too.
My only advice is to be as organised as you can. We (including my eldest) had to
tidy as we went. This meant that the only room that was untidy was the one we would be occupying at that time. We also did meal plans, always had the baby bag packed ready to go.
If you are giving contact time to your LO during naps could you forsake some (not all) of the playtime to get a few jobs done?
It definitely does get easier as they get older. 4 months is still young to have found your routine. I found around six months a game changer in terms of baby occupying themselves a bit more on a playmat to give me time to wash a few dishes etc.
Has DH looked after them for a few consecutive hours, or a full day whilst you did something? When my DH did the first time, I came back to the house in complete disarray. From that day forward DH thought anything I achieved above keeping us three alive was a bonus 😂.

Hang in there OP, it does get easier.

You're not doing anything wrong.

Your partner needs to wrap his head around the physical reality of life with a baby and toddler, if he's feeling frustrated about the load that falls to him.

Or he could pay for a weekly cleaning service.

Has he accused you of being lazy?
Because if so he's bang out of order and he needs to apologise and commit to never, ever doing that again.

You really are in the difficult bit. It’s normal.
For cooking try slow cooker, used frozen chopped onions, microwavable rice and lazy garlic. Online food shop, 3 week meal plan. Taming twins website and bbc good food website have some great recipes. Make enough to eat the same meal two days in the row or so you can the same thing on Monday and Wednesday.

Look at TOMM for cleaning but if you can invest in a robot hoover.

I think the only things I'd do differently would be an online food shop and do batch cooking or food that can be put on at lunchtime for dinner so there's not much to do in the evening.

Do you have a robot vacuum? That helps a lot of you can clear the floor of toys for 20 mins.

Firstly your ‘job’ is currently 24 hours a day 7 days a week and with no rest breaks or holidays or even pay. No one would take that on!

He needs to lower his standards or buy in help.

I would however try and get the baby to sleep in the pram and give yourself chance to relax or catch up because there’s no way I’d want that much contact constantly.

The consensus in my NCT group at that age was everyone had cleaners. I was so taken aback as I just assumed everyone else was just a bit better organised/more energetic than me lol. I rely on my mum coming by to watch baby while I clean!

I couldn't even manage much housework with one baby (also a contct napper and didn't like the sling). We had a cleaner to do the bathrooms and floors etc once a week and other stuff was done in the evening by whichever person was not holding the baby.

What on earth is your DH doing for 3 hours every night? Maybe my standards are extremely low (most likely!) but I have never spent 3 hours a day on housework!

You’re currently at a very difficult time, so yes your DH needs to step up.

We managed by batch cooking, eating super simple meals and having takeaways! Cleaning wise I normally managed to keep on top of the laundry and the dishwasher/washing up and that was pretty much it during the week

Weekends or evenings DH would watch both kids and I’d try and do some cleaning. Or he’d do it. But mostly our house was just not that clean or tidy during that period and we were too exhausted to really care.

Honestly I have no idea what he does. He went downstairs at 11:30 to make DC1 lunch. It's now 13;15 and it's still not ready - it was only pasta & reheating a frozen sauce whilst I occupy the toddler and the baby naps on me. When I challenged him on what he was doing he said he needed to clean the sink first. But I put the dishwasher on last night and there was only two mugs in the sink...I think he's just stretching the chores out so he can listen to a podcast and relax...I'm happy for him to do that but not when he's meant to be doing something else! DC1 is now hungry and overdue his nap

I think I need to take your advice really and we need to try and be more organised (it's just hard to find the time!) I think we also need him to just take them out for half a day at the weekend to enable me to get in with things as it's just impossible if they know I'm in the house.

In terms of the nights, unfortunately I breastfeed and the night wakes and 100% for milk so there is not much my partner can do!

Is it unreasonable that I feel like it's ok whilst our family still adjusts and my LO starts to nap better to accept the house will be a bit of a mess? Not dirty, just messy.

Not unreasonable at all. I think people are a bit too obsessed with living in show rooms. People live in my house, and my house reflects that. My DT are 16 months now and I’ve still not managed to find a way to do much above the daily basics.

Go easy on yourself. If your husband needs talking to, do it, but if you’re just feeling guilty or like you “should” be doing more then just…. don’t.

You are not lazy, you don't need to be 'better organised' and if your partner is really frustrated that you're not doing the housework while looking after a child/children, then he is the problem, not you.

In our house, these are separate activities requiring separate time slots

1. earning the money/going to work
2. looking after children
3. housework/admin

If you're doing 2) you can't also be doing 3) any more than he can be doing 1) and 3) at the same time.

Either do the cleaning together once the kids are in bed, or one of you takes them out for a few hours at the weekend while the other blitzes the house.

You're not lazy, this is a tough phase.

Your DH sounds a bit ridiculous doing three hours of chores a day- it can't possibly take that long. Is he using this as an excuse to opt out of parenting?

Your DH needs to get a grip. It does not take nearly 2 hours to make a toddler lunch. Even if the kitchen needs cleaning or he wants to listen to his podcast, he can do that while the pasta is cooking. My toddler would be going mental! I hope he made lunch for you too.

Your DH comes home from work every day and spends 3 hours doing chores??

That's not normal.

Are his standards ridiculously high?

I'd have zero time for this

You need to delegate and supervise the work i.e. DH, you fold that laundry

And stay in the same room

Are his standards ridiculously high?

^

No he's just slow

Parenting is ridiculously hard but so is working full time and coming home to carry on working. A family member is in a situation where he works 60 hour weeks driving but also does the majority (nearly all) the housework AND his wife says he has to take turns during night wakings also. I think his wife is taking the piss massively. I was always alone with my two, no family support and yes there were a few times when the children and I were ill where my husband had to come home and help me hang washing or put the dishwasher on. I always felt guilty on such days because he worked exceptionally hard to provide financially. But it didn’t happen most days, most days I’d managed to have a quick tidy round and prepare food for us all etc.

In YOUR case OP it sounds like your husband is using housework as an excuse to get away from childcare duties and I’d insist on doing the tidying “because you’ve been at work all week and the kids have missed you”. Just because he works hard doesn’t mean you don’t. In fact, isn’t he due to book a week’s holiday to try your role on for a change? Be interesting to see how he gets on!

Ps. I breastfed too and my youngest was tied to me 24/7. So yes I do completely understand how hard it is. A sling is a good idea or just leave baby to scream their pretty little lungs out once all their needs have been met. It won’t kill them, not for short periods. Sounds like you need a break though.

I'm the same. Not 2 under 2 but very young and no childcare, it's bloody hard isn't it. What I tend to do is not give a fuck about the mess and clean when I can (disclaimer, I do actually give a fuck but try my bestest not to when I know I'm doing all I can physically fit in )

@TiredMummma, being as organised as you can, is not just for you to do, it will only work if the household has that approach, otherwise you will be on a hamster wheel continuously picking up after everyone else. DH needs to do things as he goes and he needs to be more efficient. My oldest DC (as soon as he was old enough to understand) had to put his toys away before we got the next ones out. It’s definitely not all on you to do, that would be impossible, not least unfair and DH needs to realise that.
Your additional information certainly sounds like DH is wanting time to himself that you do not get. I would definitely either get him to take over looking after DC whilst you tidied or agree what is going to be achieved in the time he has got.

I breastfed too, but DH would take a turn getting baby out of the cot, changing nappies, walking round the bedroom comforting etc. I did have a child who got up between 8-10 times a night though, so we might have done things differently if we had a better sleeper. I just couldn’t have sustained doing it all myself.

If me or DH spent 3 hours a day doing chores, our house would be sparkling at all times. That's ridiculous and I think your DH is using your "laziness" as an excuse to not interact with the DC. You have a much bigger problem than a messy house.