Got myself into a rut after mums unexpected death

[DyslexicPoster]

She died at the beginning of May unexpectedly and suddenly in horrible circumstances.

I have bought food, washed clothes but been unable to do more.

Funeral is next week and I need to get back on it but it feels unsurmountable now. 1/2 of the living room floor is covered with mums paperwork and photos.

Any suggestions of gentle ideas to get on top of it all after the funeral? I already want to hide until July but I can't for my kids.

I can't face it now either. I took everything I had yesterday to buy loo roll and laundry powder.

The kids are clean and fed. But nothing more. I'm existing and that's the best I can do. But I have to get back on it. Housework is a struggle on a great day, too many kids, too much SEN. Procrastination etc.

What ideas to make it feel positive?

You are doing the best you can.
Recognise the little thinks you do, rather than think about the things you haven't got round do.
Breathe, take it 1 day at a time.

Sad to read about your loss @DyslexicPoster .

So sorry to hear about your mum. I think waiting so long for the funeral must add to the emotional distress too. I really feel for you.

Keeping yourself and DC fed and dressed is all you should expect of yourself at moment so please don't add any extra pressure.

As to all the stuff on the floor, maybe take one or two photos to keep in your purse or bedside cabinet and then if you don't need rest of paperwork for anything important just yet, maybe just box/bag it up for now. Then after funeral you could make a list of things you might need to do. Try put it in order of priority but don't expect to do everything in the list within unrealistic timelines. It will all get done eventually.

Do you have a partner, friends or family who can help you with practical things that might need doing? Please don't try do everything alone if you can help it. 💐

Please be kind to yourself. I lost my dad two years ago and I still go through short periods where I struggle.

Get a decent size box, put the paperwork in there for now. If you can bear it, put something mindlessly entertaining on the TV, make a cuppa and just weed out anything you definitely won’t need…even if it’s only the envelopes. Then just put it somewhere safe for now.

I find it much easier to do housework with a good audiobook in the background, but break it into manageable chunks. 15 minutes of something then at least 15 minutes break. Or just say you’ll do something for half an hour to an hour each day and once that time’s up, stop.

You and your kids are clean, clothed and fed…if that’s all you can manage for now, that’s plenty.

Do you have support from family or friends?

My friends took me out for lunch today so I'm getting support but it feels like maybe I'm expected to be getting over it from some people.
Dh is helping but he won't touch my stuff. He took one ds to a early France trip drop off, dd to A&E with a broken arm and the other son to a uni 200 miles away this week so I think he is surving right now too.

I couldn't ask anyone in too help tidy up. I'd be embarrassed. Well maybe I could. There are two friends I could ask to sit and chat while I sort. I don't think they would judge me.

I got two massive plastic boxes still sitting empty in front of the TV.

If there is lots of admin to do, i recommend a big hardback notebook, make a list as you think of the things that need doing.

in slower time, maybe just aim to do one thing per day to tick off the list. Have a “stop time” each day, then depending on the ages of your children, get an hour outside or doing something for your own wellbeing if you can. (Walking or rythmic exercise helped)

Don’t necessarily rush to tell organisations where it can wait.
I waited more than 2 months to tell banks etc - I was in a stronger place to deal with it then.

I'm so sorry. I also struggled with paperwork after my husband died, I couldn't sort through his things and in the end my mum came and did it for me. So, I don't think it's daft to get a couple of friends in and ask them to sit with you or even just pile all the paperwork and photos up in those boxes. It's not just stuff, it's memories. I struggled so much with this even though I managed the funeral and lots of other things. Don't be harsh on yourself, it sounds like a terrible time and you are doing ok if you are all clean and vaguely functioning, there is time after the funeral to sort the house.

Get your friends round, out kettle on or crack open something stronger, whatever the preference. They won't give a shit what the place looks like, believe me. Either go through paperwork or sit and reminisce while looking through photos, or half and half. Two of the kids are away and DH and 3rd DC can have a takeaway as a treat, something she can ear one-handed of course!
It really might do you the world of good, even if you don't end up getting the place cleared up!

I've just remembered what she did which was really helpful was sorted through all the stuff and picked out anything that looked 'significant', so photos, or certain letters and the rest was put in bags (in case I wanted to look through them). I then had a tiny pile to sort and could make decisions myself. Looking at the piles made me upset- yes they drove me crazy in life, but in death it seemed like I was getting rid of them and it upset me. That was a good technique though and a friend or your husband might be able to help that way. Or just shove it all in those boxes (use a 10 min timer of youtube) and deal with it later, at least then you can see the floor!

@Highdaysandholidays1 this actually sounds like a good strategy. Just try share the load a little OP. Everyone will be wanting to help but probably just don't know how. They'll be probably be grateful to be given 'tasks'.

Its really good to hear you do have people around you. Let them help you

Sorry for your loss. My Mum died over a year ago and whilst the immediate paperwork (pension etc) was sorted, the rest is all bagged up in my house. Not only can't I do it, I couldn't do any of my own stuff I normally sort. It's only now 15 months later I am starting to be able to sort my own things. Be kind to yourself!

Yes this is true. One friend keeps asking what can she do too help. Maybe it's time to ask her t just sit and direct me.

This is such wonderful advice.

Are you dyslexic as your name suggests? If so, cut yourself even more slack as often people with dyslexia struggle a bit with executive functioning and something like strong upset will make this harder. I think being kind to yourself, getting through the funeral and letting that friend help you will be the best way forward.

I'm really sorry OP, it's very hard. You are doing just fine - if everyone is clean, fed and out of bed then that's a win!

Please ask your friends for help - if I was your friend I know I'd love to be able to do something practical with or for you.

@DyslexicPoster , ask for specific help because she wants to help but almost certainly doesn't know what would be crossing a boundary.
I'm sure she'd be fine with you asking if she could direct you.

Some will expect you to be getting over it by now, but a bereavement is not a standard process.

Yes I'm dyslexic but I have children diagnosed with ASD and dsypraxia and adhd too so I wonder if there's more.

I wrote the eulogy and told the vicor I needed to know the length. I was told under 20 minutes so did 9 minutes. But then was told it needed to be five. I cut it in half and now its flat and bad. I couldn't re write it from scratch. I'm dreading reading it too. Feel like I have let mum down and the best I can offer is surviving this.

This is just your grief talking. I'm sure your mum would be pleased you are intending to get up and say anything and wouldn't want you to be beating yourself up about it- also if you think it will be too much, get someone else like your husband to say they will do it if you can't. The thing is you are doing fine under the circumstances, you just can't see it. Honestly you are.

Perfectly said xxx

So sorry to hear about your Mum… Grief is lonely and so isolating. You can feel that you have people needing you and yet you can’t connect. Maybe see if you can find a grief counsellor to talk to. You are also probably dealing with trauma from what you have described. It’s all a logical response to the situation. Perhaps you’re going through the motions because you haven’t properly found the feelings yet. It’s so overwhelming and frightening to let them out. I was a zombie after my mother died. Her death was expected and she was horrible to me. I think in my case, it all e-traumatised me, and the only thing that helped was counselling and medication. (I didn’t need it for long - just a couple of months, but it helped!)