Housework and baby

[Holly1212]

I need some help to know if I am being unreasonable or not.

My partner goes to work everyday, he leaves at 7am (starts at 8am) and comes home 6pm - 6:15pm (finishes work at 4;45pm) the reason he is late is that he goes to his dads every night for no other reason than to have an hour to himself.
When he then comes home at 6pm he then expects dinner to be on the table waiting for him.

I feel it is unfair as yes while he is at work and it is hard he makes out I am doing nothing. On the week days I keep the house spotless, look after our baby and ensure he goes to groups and also ensure my partners lunches are cooked (not just 1 lunch but he expects 3 meals to take to work done for him).

There are some times I have not done lunches as I have not had a second to do anything somedays, in the past i got tired of standing in the kitchen after doing dinner cooking his lunches to 9pm t night while he sat on the sofa.

I have told him I need his help more and that when i go back to work for the 2 days that he comes home those 2 days instead of going to his dads but he is more than welcome to go the other 3 days if he wishes to continue this. The response I had was no.

It got to a point here my little one went through a needy phase recently and i could not cook dinner at 5pm without him screaming the house down, so it meant i started dinner when my partner came through the door. His response was this was not good enough and would be back later as he was going out for dinner.

We are now at the point where he goes moaning about me to all his family and friends saying i don't do anything for him, my love is conditional as when i have had a hard day i forget about him. All I hear is i told someone about you and they think it is a joke, there is no reason you cannot cook dinner and Lunches with a little one as there wives manage.

I am at the point where he has made me feel like an awful mother, partner and human (points which he ha agreed to.) I am made to be controlling and not able to cope because I am asking for help.

Am i being completely unreasonable?

No you are not being unreasonable, you are not his slave. What a man child! This does not sound like any sort of partnership and it doesn't sound like he is likely to change. There is no reason why he can't sort out his own meals to take to work... who takes 3 lunches a day to work? Try not to worry about what his friends and family think, the reality of what his friends' wives do may not be what he says and also every family has different dynamics. Chores should be shared, as should be free time. You are not there to wait on him hand and foot. I would lay this all out on the line and if he won't listen to you, LTB. What a prick!!

It’s really sad that you have to ask if you are being unreasonable. You get one life and yours sounds miserable. Do you even like this man?

He sounds absolutely awful. To be honest it sounds like he contributes nothing to your life. Going to his dads every night is absolutely taking the p*... sorry to ask but are you sure that's where he goes?

YANBU! He is acting like a spoilt child and his expectation are far from reasonable.

I was a stay at home parent for 3 years. I did weekday house work plus looked after ds and made tea every night. Dh did ds bedtime, made his own breakfast and lunch and we shared weekend chores and entertaining ds. Dh also does his own ironing. The only thing find falls to me entirely is the mental load which constantly frustrates me.

I don't think it's unreasonable for someone at home all day to cook on week days, but some days that might be something out of the freezer or leftovers from the day before. And it might not be ready at 6pm because parent coming home may need to look after the baby while the cooking's being done.

Not lunches though - no need to cook those unless you do extra for dinner to be reheated. I don't get the three lunches bit.

But his attitude is unreasonable - there needs to be negotiation rather than expectations. Maybe cook together at the weekend and freeze meals to be heated up in the week. And if both parents are at work all day, surely cooking dinner needs to be a joint activity, or someone one does while the other looks after the baby.

It sounds as if you, OP, are married to a man whose expectations come from the 1950s.

Why does he need three lunches?

This relationship is already over.

What help does he give with the baby?
This isn’t right and you know that and he is not treating you well.
Time to sit down and explain what needs to change.
First would be a lie in for you on Saturday while he gets the baby up and they go out for a walk and a cafe visit while you sleep.
Explain it’s too much to make lunches and you won’t do it anymore.
You work too. It just isn’t paid and your partner seems not to value it. Actually you have two jobs 1. The baby’s and 2. the house and your partner.

How old is your baby?

Your husband is a knob living in the 1950s. He is not a proper father to your child. And he is unkind to you.

He's being emotionally abusive.

He should be making his own lunch or eating left overs.

He should be rushing home to see his son or doesn't he like his own child?

So he gets all his work meals supplied by you, wants a home-cooked meal when he deigns to come home as well, gets free time after work each day even when you’re struggling, doesn’t communicate other than to put in his meal orders and say “no”, and slags you off to all and sundry. Does he have a gold-plated penis or some other magical quality that makes up for being an utter shitbag?

He sounds dreadful. It's not the 50s.

What a useless waste of space.

I didn't cook a single dinner for the first 4 months after my baby was born. DH cooked them all after work because the baby was too needy to be put down and I was exhausted.

Surely as someone who has worked outside the home previously you know that "going to work" isn't actually harder than being home with a baby?

Before the baby was born how were chores split? Actually no need to answer that, I think we know!