Finding the housework so overwhelming.

[Inkdrinker]

I have 3 kids aged nearly 5, 6 and 10. My youngest is autistic and is hard work in himself. I work 37.5 hours a week which is made up of 3 12 hour shifts a week.

On my days off I'm normally so exhausted from work that I cannot keep up with the housework. My partner stays at home with the kids but he tries his best but it's always messy when I come home and I know how hard it is having the kids full time, so I don't feel like it's his fault. It's just frustrating and I know he does clean but it's just too hard with the kids.

What can I do because this is absolutely killing me and don't even get me started on my garden, I bet my neighbours must think we're so scruffy from the state of that 😑

The one person whose job it is to do house work should be getting on top of it. I work and home educate, I only have one child but still I have 12 hours in a day to do everything and the cleaning always gets done. It can take a week or two to sort things and get on top, and then it's still every single day that things need doing. But he needs to work out a system where he gets the house to a standard he can then maintain.

Bringing in a cleaner for an end of tenancy or deep clean is a good place to start. I did this, cost me £100 but once that was done, they did woodwork, cupboards, and walls for me and I took it from there. We're not wealthy but it had to be done and I sacrificed some personal money.

Every single day I do floors, dishes, laundry, hoovering, a small amount of garden work (it's going to have to wait) and I do this around my other duties such as work and home ed.

It's much more difficult with more children with different needs but it needs to be done and you have a stay at home parent which is ideal but you both need to pull your weight and I still maintain that doing the home is less stressful and easy than working. Your time is your own and you can plan a whole day, it's not just 8 hours, it's 12 or more and they need to distract the kids, or tire them out, on a certain day, stick them in front of the television with snacks in one room and implement your plan to get the house to a base level of tidy.

He can even work into the night, we have an advantage over full-time workers as we have a much larger window to plan activities.
If kids are in school you've got rid of them for 5.5 hours so you have all that time and it's more than enough to sort the house.

Little and often is the way to go.

I like The Organised Mum method, although I’ve fallen off the wagon recently.

when I stick to 30 minutes every day the house looks loads better.

what’s the main issue? can the children get involved?

whats your worst zones? For me a routine works best. My biggest issue is the kids don't clean up after themselves. We have a cleaner once a week which makes a difference. Whenever I'm knackered and just don't want to do it I set a timer for 10 mins - you'd be suprised what you can do in 10 mins. Even 30 mins. But for me knowing there's an end to it makes it easier to start.

Honestly, the downstairs is the biggest issue. For hygiene reasons, the kitchen needs to be clean and I'm finding that exhausting. I've currently done the lounge which is fairly easy to maintain but now I'm in the kitchen and there's so much to do. I've done all the sides and emptied any left over food into the bin but the dishes need to be done, the floor, the skirting boards, the cupboards, everything tbh.

I think maybe if I can get it to a bare minimum that maybe he can do the other bits like the skirting boards etc.

Personally, I do feel bad for him because I was a full time SAHM for 7 years and found it much harder than working tbh.

Thanks all, sorry for having a whinge. I just needed to get it all out I think 😆 🤣

If your partner is home full time and the kids are at school, can't he tackle it then? Obviously it might get messy again once the kids get home, but the general cleaning will be done.

This works in theory but obviously he cooks dinner and then there is all that to tidy up as well. I think he finds it exhausting. I think I'm going to try and set up a routine where we can work together to help each other.

I feel your pain OP.
My house is a mess too and It’s never ending monotonous jobs. I feel like I am constantly cleaning with no results .

I have a 13 year old and struggle don't beat yourself up over as long as your family is happy and healthy housework can wait lol

Have you a dishwasher? We had one with a 30 min cycle and it was amazing. So quick. You could run it a few times a day. Tesco's tablets. Amazing. We've one that takes 1 hour 45 mins now and it's a killer. It takes so long.

Gemma Bray (The organised Mum) does 30 or 15 minute podcasts where she talks you through cleaning like a personal trainer. Some are free but others you buy through the Patreon website.
Lots of people on her Facebook are finding them really useful.

Is your DH a messy cook? Can you teach him to clear up as he goes?

I know it's difficult with the kids too, but can he plonk them in front of TV for half an hour while he cooks?

I also think you need a team approach to this. Sounds like you're both exhausted. And don't worry about the sodding skirting boards!

I’m not sure I’m quite following this. You have 3 school age children and your partner is a sahd? How can he not have time to get everything done? And you have 4 days off a week?

Cleaning up the dinner thing - he should clean as he goes, either stuff is going int he dishwasher or wash up pans etc as soon as they’re finished with. With a sink already full of water it’s much easier to get on and wash everything up.

I have to say it sounds a bit like your partner is not pulling his weight if things are that bad. All your children are at school so that’s a good chunk of every day to have free. What is he doing in that time? I was a sahm for 8 years so I know how it is hard work but I had time to get the vast majority of the house work done each day even before they went to school.

Is it really exhausting to keep a kitchen generally clean and tidy? Takes ten minutes after tea to get it back to a tidy state.

How can it be this unmanageable when one parent works three days a week and one doesn't work? Most families have two full time working parents and have to manage.

Three 12-hour shifts a week is pretty brutal, it must mess with your routine and body clock. No wonder you're knackered.

You could try splitting things a bit differently — you cook twice a week, for example (on a couple of your days off) and he picks up more of the cleaning.

It sounds like an imbalanced split of tasks, based on what you've got here.

And fuck the neighbours! Whatever they think of your garden isn't your problem. Pay them no mind.

it sounds like you might have let it build up to overwhelm. Don’t worry and blame yourselves. It happens and now you are going to sort it. 👌Habits and routine are key, I think. There are lots of systems but they have to work for you. The Organised Mum Method is good in terms of breaking it down. Have a look at her website or Flylady or similar and see how you could both share the tasks. The podcasts are fab for keeping going and I have done several 20 minute CBA cleans!! (5 minutes in four areas).

Today or tomorrow, work on these daily tasks. Use a timer.

1. 5 - 10 minute throw away rubbish/tidy:
2. Clean down kitchen worktops - 5 minutes
3. Wash all dishes - put in dishwasher- 5 - 10 minutes.
4. Hoover high traffic areas - 3 minutes
5. Swish and swipe toilet and sink - 5 mins
6. one load of laundry - put away previous days.

Once you have that as a habit and do most days (say 80% of time), add in 15 - 30 minute clean of each room per day, doing a different space five days per week. You will be much more peaceful, calm and under control in about 45 mins per day. Good luck.

You totally have my sympathy! I have a soon to be 7 year old DS with autism and to be honest he needs a full time cleaner/picker-upper all to himself! We have a huge house (this is not a stealth boast it’s a family house and is not our choice but for various reasons not least DS we can’t move) but there a 5 bathrooms for example. What I have found helps is decluttering and having a place for everything, toy storage etc. Also as others have said concentrating on a certain area and blitzing it. Eg I do a 10 minute whip round upstairs each morning and put everything away, throw up the beds etc. so at least it looks better. Also I keep on top of the kitchen so I have a calm cleanish space if the rest of the house is in disarray!

Watching with interest as also feel overwhelmed sometimes. Although I have no idea how you hoover in 3 minutes - surely takes that long just to plug in/carry hoover upstairs/downstairs/unplug and wind up cord. I know it would be quicker if I could cut down the clutter though as most of the hoovering time is actually moving stuff out of the way in order to hoover.

Pay gardener and cleaner with the child s dla

DLA is for the child's additional needs

OP try and declutter, our house became overwhelming because thing didn't have homes, they weren't put away ect. Then the kids follow suit and don't bother making an effort then you feel fucked off and tired and the cycle continues..... Once you've decluttered about you can see the woods for the trees and it's much easier to take back control.

Also get the kids involved, putting clothes, shoes, dishes away. Washing up, emptying the washer, putting it on the line. Even putting a wash on. In the long run they need these skills and it helps to instill working morales

DLA is for the child's additional needs

So?
If having a cleaner frees op to cater to her child
Ditto gardener making safe play area
It s all related to the child

OP I am sorry but our DH needs to be doing more housework and general tidying. I have 3 kids (10, 5 and nearly 3) and work 2 weekends a month. My eldest has ASD and ADHD and struggles a lot but my house is still clean and tidy and the garden is maintained. DH works full time and often long hours at certain times of the month. 2 of my kids are on school and the youngest is home though starting nursery in August. I take him out in the morning to groups and activities then tidy and clean in the afternoon before school pick up. The kids are on school holiday just now so it's harder but the house is maintained. I think your DH needs to get into a better routine. Mine is always washing on first thing and hang out to dry, kitchen and downstairs tidied before school run including hoovered, dishwasher emptied first thing then once the older 2 are dropped off I take the youngest to an activity. Once home it's lunch time he either plays or rests for an hour and I clean bathrooms etc. DH helps at night but it's unfair to expect him to come home and clean the house.

Your DH has 5 hrs per day to keep
on top of the house, what is he doing all day? I'm sorry but he sounds lazy.

There is something wrong if two adults with school aged kids, working just 3 days a week between them, can’t keep a house clean. And I suspect it’s a DH issue. What is he doing al day?!?