How?!

[MamaSquealus]

Firstly, hi everyone! I'm new to MN (although I have been known to lurk) and I don't really know where to post this, so apologies if this is the wrong place!

But here goes...how do people keep on top of everything??

How on earth do you work full time, look after your kids, do the shopping, prepare and cook meals, keep the house clean, do the laundry and ironing, take care of any pets, keep the garden in check, clean the car, and stay on top of general house admin?...let alone manage to go to any appointments, spend time with your partner, or fit in any form of self care?!

This is a long term problem for me, I've never managed to stay on top of even half of what I need to for more than a couple of weeks at a time, and that's just by never sitting down, from the moment I wake up, to the second I go to bed, and barely sleeping...and then it all goes tits up again when I run out of steam and find myself unable to get off the sofa for the next three months.

Now I have a husband and a baby, and I'm even more useless! I'm on maternity leave atm, but I'll be back to work in a couple of months, and I'm terrified I'm just going to let everyone down even more. Despite all the extra time I have while I'm not at work, I just can't seem to figure out what the trick is, and constantly seem to forget (important) things or have to deal with one thing at the expense of another.

So, any advice would be greatly appreciated...I'm at my wits end!

Most people I know who work and have kids have a cleaner! I'd sacrifice quite a bit to have one.
I find 'don't put it down put it away' a good mantra. Plus do not go to bed with a dirty kitchen - so disheartening to wake up to the detritus of last nights meal.
My husband was much tidier than me and also kept the kids toys in check.
You could start a rota. Do bathrooms on one day, kitchen floors another, vacuum the house another. I also find it helps if I do 20 minute bursts. So taking down all the Christmas decs: I set the timer, did as much as I could, timer goes off I have a cup of tea and sit for ten minutes. Then another 20 minutes. Often I'm mid chore when alarm goes off so I just finish it.
And the rota is for your hubby too. You are looking after your baby, not sitting there with your feet up reading trashy novels. So you share the chores.
Life admin could be done in an hour both of you together one night or at the weekend. And get a cleaner!

Hi OP
I only work part time and still struggle!
My tips:

• a load of washing a day to keep on top of it
• meal plan and go through fridge (getting rid of out of date food, fridge quick wipe out) in weekly shop buy things before they run out
• try and use 5 minutes to make the most of things e.g. 5 minutes to yourself grab a bin liner and quickly get rid of any mess from your car or empty the bins/recycle, put clothes away etc.
• I read a tip on here to make 10 minutes every night as dedicated paperwork time. I like this idea as renewing car insurance, writing birthday cards is one of the things I struggle with!

If your DH doesn't want batch cooked meals from the freezer then he cooks his own stuff.

If he doesnt put stuff away, treat him like a child and dump it all on his side of the bed.

He has to pull his weight. He needs to start now before you get lumbered with every aspect of house and DC.

My DH works longer hours than me. I deal with way more mental load than he does. However he:

Does click and collect shopping and collects it on his way home from work

Sorts out his own meals Mon-Fri

Tidies all his stuff

Does 50% of the cleaning (sometimes off his own bat sometimes I ask him to do something specific)

Does all the ironing

Books all the holidays.

Other tips: we have a robot hoover, I do a wash every day and force myself to tidy once its dried. Toilets get cleaned regularly. Sinks and showers less.

Other than that I have had to learn to let some things go and let standards slip.

In my view maternity leave is for you to look after the baby, not the whole house inc all housework. That should still be split 50:50 so it's not all on you.

I think you need to think through whether you really want to be the one who does all this. And stop with all the 'I'm letting people down' crap.

If DH was running his business and doing night shifts but didn't have a family, he'd somehow find a way to clean himself and keep his home in a habitable condition. Let him opt out while you figure out how to do all this stuff well and you'll forever be the one who knows how to do it.

The organised mum method takes half an hour a day, could he really not spare the odd half hour or ten minutes here and there?

As for the bits you do, batch cooking, robot hoover, lower standards etc will help but I'd really encourage you to think beyond mat leave. What role will domestic stuff play in your life long term? If you plan to go back to work one day and don't want to be lumbered with doing 100% of this stuff plus working, you need to lay the foundations for that now.

I see PP have already come on with TOMM recommendations but I cannot get on with it. I just don’t even have the time TOMM expects you to be able to dedicate to this or that task daily, so I feel like I’ve failed before Monday is out!

For me and DH, we split things evenly and while we do have certain things one of us usually does, we both chip in with all tasks. I get DS (2) to help tidying up (with mixed success!) and I try to have certain days to do certain tasks (eg. Beds changed on Saturday). But mostly we are just muddling through…

You can’t do it all. No one does. I can’t think of anyone I know who does it all.

Own less stuff
Lower your standards
Be clear in your priorities. Agree it’s nice for DH to spend time with kid as a priority. So that means he’s not got as much time for housework, it is a choice you’ve made (a good one IMO)
Rotate easy meals everyone will eat

Seems to get easier as the kids get older and can entertain themselves a bit.

I don't know how a woman being "groomed & looking stylish" is good for her family. I have a "does not compute" reaction to that statement.

I did try batch cooking and freezing...but then DH never wanted any of it and so now I have a freezer full of unwanted meals

i dunno why you don't thraw them out one by one, you eat them, & the DH can cook what he likes for himself. Plus, you could eat them for lunch or breakfast if you need the freezer space.

I'll never in my entire life understand any obsession with "spotless" homes. "Spotless" seems common in my parents' social circle: they have cleaners, gardeners, dog-walkers...

My only tip is to get yourself off MN, off your phone & stop watching TV. All of those are time sucks.

I've started to try to discuss what will happen when I go back to work...I do think DH underestimates the amount of stuff there is to do around the house tbf. It's also very hard to get a constructive conversation going as he just makes jokes or says "well either you do it, or I do it, or it doesn't get done"...which is not helpful, so I'm a bit fucked off now.

I'm very much liking the idea of a robot hoover...I hadn't even considered that! Thank you!
I've spoken to DH about meal planning, but he was very unhelpful, so now it's micro veg rice and bung in the oven chicken/fish for him for the foreseeable, as I've just started a VLCD to try to lose some weight and cba to meal plan and cook whilst dieting.

@itsallaboutthehoney You sound like you're smashing it, congrats and good luck with DC #2! 💐

Perhaps you could write a list of all the jobs that need doing around the house on a daily/weekly basis, and all the life admin stuff that needs doing. Then write who out of you and your husband does each job. Perhaps he might see the scale of what needs doing and the split between who does what if he has a visual aid.

I also think that if someone else is cooking for him, he should be a bit more grateful and less childish about whether he'll eat it or not. Unless you've made something that you knew he didn't like.

No pets here
Small garden
Have a window cleaner
Get the car cleaned

Those things alone help.

After having the children, regular de-cluttering and not keeping things they had out grown really helped.

Menu plan, online shopping and a cleaner!

I really struggle tbh. We moved to a much bigger house and some times it just feels so overwhelming.

I wfh so generally I like to whip the hoover round downstairs between calls. I dump bleach down the loo's regularly. I also make sure the dishwasher is emptied in the morning so it can be filled through the day and put on overnight.

For me, laundry is a nightmare. There is 5 of us, DH has his police uniform, kids all have school uniform. 2 kids are full on hormonal stinky so I cant get away with making them wear the same top twice. So I end up with 15 sets of school wear and 3 sets of PE kits (although just realised I havent seen my eldests PE kit in a couple of weeks 🤢)

Garden is a shambles, luckily it's small so we'll sort it in the spring.

But, I really am rubbish at housework. I lack in both time and energy. Luckily my husband loves a clean house so when he is off he will blitz through it.

As long as the kitchen is clean, toilets are clean and laundry is done. I think most things can be okay to slide until you can get to them.

I don't manage to stay on top of everything either, but the things that have helped are owning fewer things, doing a bit each day (something is better than nothing) and having a dp who pulls their weight.

So! DP and I had a talk last night, and he gets that it's not fair that I have to take care of everything alone. He doesn't have the time or energy to start doing more around the house on the regs, but he'll be helping me give the house a deep clean on his next day off. We'll get a cleaner in, and a gardener to sort out the wilderness. He'll be taking the car to the car wash from now on, and is organising a window cleaner. I feel so relieved that we have a plan to help stay on top of things and take some (major) things off my to do list!

I've accepted that ironing is a stretch, so I'll let that go.
I'm also simplifying the meals I cook...DH's complaining about weight gain anyway, so for the time being it'll be simple food for him, VLCD for me, and yummy mush and finger foods for DS 🤤

DM has offered to take care of DS while I get my hair done etc, and once I've lost weight I'll buy some new clothes, so I won't look like I've completely given up!
I know looking groomed isn't necessarily good for my family, but it is good for me. Looking after myself, and knowing DH fancies me makes me feel good. Sitting around in granny pants, leggings, and men's tshirts makes me feel like a stranger to myself.

Thank you all so much for your suggestions and for letting me know I'm not on my own! I think just airing my thoughts was a relief in itself and helped me rationally come up with a plan, so thanks all 💐💐💐

glad you have a plan!

for us:

• ruthlessly declutter what we don't need / use
• everything we do have lives somewhere specific
• cleaner 3-4 hours a week (three storey, five beds three bathroom house with big kitchen, she also does inside the fridge / oven on occasion so no need for separate oven cleaning company). I just let her get on with it to her own schedule and make sure I pay her promptly and well for her time.
• wash once a day (ish), beds changed every other week
• everyone responsible for their own bedroom (DH study) and putting clothes in wash otherwise they won't get washed.
• meal plan and weekly ocado delivery with everything we need, everyone responsible for adding to list if they use / need something (not on list won't appear)
• I do majority cooking but am ok with that as I'm the best at it, DH will do weekends if I need him to / pay for takeaway or dinner out if I'm exhausted