I need to involve paid help but I can’t keep the house tidy enough

[needanewlaptop]

Anyone else stuck in this position?

The house is absolutely not at a standard where I could have someone come in to help but it feels like a catch 22.

Please no one come and tell me it probably is ok … it’s definitely not.

Has anyone managed to get to a place they can have it tidy enough to pay someone to come in?

I always tidied up for the cleaner to come. I tried a few different cleaners, then I found a lady who I really clicked with. She was so empathetic about keeping a clean house with children and working. We would often tidy up together or I tidied a room ahead of her, she started tidying the playroom without hesitation, then it gradually grew to her tidying everywhere! Often putting things in piles so I could put them away. She came when the carpets were up and when the kitchen was in desperate need of refitting. She came after the refitting and cleaned the builders dust! She never judges me and we have a great relationship.

Prior to this lady so would tidy downstairs and the bathrooms and get he cleaner to just do the bathroom kitchen and lounge/dining room - giving me time to do the incredibly untidy bedrooms!

I felt like this. The only solution was to have a massive clear out/tidy one weekend, then get the cleaners straight in that week to start keeping on top of it, then just do little bits of tidying as I went around each day.

When looking for someone, ask them if they are willing to tidy up too

could you get a decluttering service to help you to start with, or call around some cleaners and explain that you really need someone that will help you sort and tidy initially before going to a regular maintenance clean.
There are people who do this and there are people that will only do cleaning and no tidying, so its important to get one that understands your needs. You might well need to shell out a bit for the initial declutter if you feel you cant do this alone

Tidying does take longer so costs more! On my cleaner’s advice I decluttered everywhere, made a place for everything! Hooks in cupboards for school bags and shoes, bins for different things, a stair tidy, laundry bags in each bedroom, bins in each room, gave away loads of clothes, it took me a month - but now I find the house just stays tidy without too much work!

I’m so embarrassed to have someone in the house just now.

I don’t think clutter is the issue, the issue is me. I have ADHD so cleaning and tidying just doesn’t come naturally to me. Imagine a teenagers bedroom … but that’s the whole house. I don’t put things away, the dishes are only done when they absolutely have to be. Please no judgement as this doesn’t feel like a choice.

I think what I do need is someone that I am able
to explain this all to don’t I? Rather than trying to pretend I’m a ‘normal’ person?

I can be similar.
I have to have a cleaner precisely so it doesn’t get to a point where I’m overwhelmed.
I work well to a deadline and my shame means that I finally do tidy up if I have someone round.
Could you book in a cleaner for an initial visit on a certain date, then you know you have to have it tidy by then?
Mine does kitchen every week, but upstairs one week and downstairs the other week so I only have to tidy half the house for her and move the mess to the other half which does work well.

Can you start by going round with a black bin liner and a recycling rubbish bag and remove all the rubbish

Put all the clothes in a pile to sort into clean and dirty

Move all the crockery back to the kitchen

Once that’s done and it’s just ‘stuff’ left, is there a trusted friend or family member who likes sorting that you could ask to help you? I think lots of people will be understanding of someone getting overwhelmed and needing a hand

Maybe you need therapy of some sort to help you. My sister cleans before the cleaner arrives and after the cleaner leaves! She has OCD. Don’t be judgemental on yourself, having a tidy home isn’t essential for everyone. If you want your home tidy and cleaned then seek out some therapy and ask them to assist you in getting yourself in a position for it to happen. Never be embarrassed about inviting people into your home. Anyone who judges you isn’t welcome, true friends won’t judge - in fact they may even help if you ask.

I ager with the PP who says you just need to find the right cleaner.

Ours is lovely and just gets on with whatever she can see needs doing. We have three children, work full time and have very little free time and there are often toys and clothes all over the floor, a few dishes stacked up, piles of stuff lying around. She either works around it or (more usually) puts everything in to nice neat piles. The kids love how she makes their beds, no one else can match it.

Obviously it means things don't get cleaned as thoroughly as they would if the house was immaculate, but that's fine by us.

I would call a local cleaning agency, explain you have been poorly (you don’t need to tell them it’s ADHD) and things have got out of control and you need a one off clean and then a weekly regular clean! They are used to this, after all they do end of tenancy cleans which can be horrendous. I had a one off then regular after I shattered my leg and DH had been i charge of DD and the house for 6
Weeks - it was horrendous!

Check out:
A Slob Comes Clean - podcasts, blog and YouTube videos
Clutterbug - YouTube and podcasts
Minimalist Mum - YouTube

Following advice from these guys has got me feeling closer to ‘normal’. Dana from A Slob Comes Clean in particular really gets it. She doesn’t have ADHD but finds people with ADHD often write to say her methods work for them. Cas from Clutterbug does have ADHD.

For me the podcasts are best as I can declutter as I listen. I started at the very beginning and worked my way through. The interviews she does later on are also really nice as you get to hear lots of lovely, interesting sounding people describing having the same problems with just being overwhelmed and feeling unable to get on top of their house. It’s easy to feel like you are the only person who can’t ‘adult’ but it’s not true; and it’s really not something to be ashamed of that you struggle with clutter.

She also talks about hiring a cleaner and how she went about that.

I love A Slob Comes Clean - I wish I could get into her ‘do the dishes’ thing because it really does make a huge difference and of course it’s habit building and can lead to other things. I don’t know how Dana can not have ADHD at this point but whatever. Some of the interviews do help because it’s people that are just like me rather than people who are picturing a little bit of clean mess if that makes sense.

I’m not sure therapy is going to help me. I have ADHD which means there’s a fault in my brain. Medication helps but I’m not sure therapy can ever teach me to just put something away when I’m finished with it or do the dishes before the whole sink is piled high.

Someone said having a cleaner do half each week that could be a breakthrough as like you say you can hide the mess in the other half of the house if it really comes to that.

Hey, OP, just looking further around Housekeeping topic and there’s a thread might suit you (and me!) for support:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/housekeeping/4345256-The-ADHD-suspected-ADHD-poor-executive-function-generically-disorganised-and-overwhelmed-housekeeping-thread

Sorry just seen your update that you are already on to ASCC etc.

Half a house at a time sounds a good solution to me. Or just a room. I have a cleaner for two hours a fortnight and it’s different jobs each week - often depends on which rooms are tidy enough to clean!

@Plipityplopity

I would call a local cleaning agency, explain you have been poorly (you don’t need to tell them it’s ADHD) and things have got out of control and you need a one off clean and then a weekly regular clean! They are used to this, after all they do end of tenancy cleans which can be horrendous. I had a one off then regular after I shattered my leg and DH had been i charge of DD and the house for 6 Weeks - it was horrendous!

^ This is a great suggestion

Otherwise: spend some time thinking of ways to make it easy for you to put things away (hooks & storage baskets near where you use things would be my suggestion), and get a few empty baskets for heaving clutter into just before the cleaner comes

I have an ADHD diagnosis. When I got my cleaner I told her this and explained why my house was a state, that I'm not lazy but my brain literally struggles to motivate me to tidy and clean. I explained that I feel shame and guilt around not being a "grown up" able to manage the simple things like regularly emptying bins, putting washing away, wiping the kitchen down. I explained that I needed a cleaner who would not judge me, because at 55 I have tried every system and approach going and nothing works because it's inbuilt in my brain. Luckily the cleaner was absolutely lovely about it. When I had changed the sheets on my bed one week she actually told me well done!! I felt so chuffed. Don't allow yourself to pay yet another ADHD "tax" - it's hard living with ADHD In many ways (in other ways it's wonderful imo) and we do pay a "tax" as everything that NTs find so easy, is a huge effort and struggle for us. Plus emotional disregulation means we can be very hard in ourselves. Get a cleaner! You would not hesitate to get a walking stick if you had one foot missing

Decluttering helps, as does finding the right cleaner.

I’m starting to wonder about myself in that I seem physically incapable of “adulting” too; I sometimes have a flash of energy/inspiration and want to do something but I just don’t know where to start, or I start something then flit to something else, then something else etc. I use up all my energy but seem to achieve very little.

My partner and I are falling out over it as I just can’t seem to get rid of things, either.

Anyway, back to you! I like the idea of getting someone in to do half of the house. In my house it would probably be the downstairs as upstairs is a train wreck (downstairs not much better). Maybe having downstairs clean and tidy would motivate me to sort the upstairs. I also think I’d tell the potential cleaner that I’d been unwell.

Good luck 💐

There was a great thread on here a few years ago where someone posted similar to you and a couple of MNers went round to help her get organised. It was absolutely lovely. Do you have any friends or family that would help you get started?

If you don’t feel able to ask for help (yet), id suggest walking around the house with a notepad and pen and writing a list of what needs doing. It will probably feel overwhelming, BUT then set a timer (30 mins, twice a day?) and work through the list, ticking things off as you go. If you work in small chunks and see the progress (ticking it off) then it will begin to feel manageable.

I’m not diagnosed, but 99% sure i have adhd (my son is diagnosed and the more I learn about him the more I think “oh, that suddenly makes sense”) and I understand that feeling of being totally overwhelmed. I find that setting a timer, putting my headphones on and doing ‘as much as I can’ in xx amount of time, is the best way for me to achieve anything. Looking at the house, or a list, without a set time limit just feels impossible.

We've just started with a cleaner only cleaning the two bathrooms every other week. I pay her for two hours and if she has time she'll do the hallways. I close off the other rooms (don't see the point in her tidying my kids' toys just to have them immediately pulled out again). You could start with that and just keep the bathrooms clear? It'll make you feel so much better seeing those clean.