Tsunami of housework!

[namebunny]

Help! Every day i look at the house and get so depressed, the house is a tip, needs decorating and ALWAYS mucky. I try TOMM but don’t seem to keep it up, it’s just ENDLESS. What can I do?!

Can you afford to get a cleaner in for a couple of sessions? Just to start you off and do the worst of it? After that it won't seem so bad and you might not be so discouraged.

If not then start in one corner of one room. That's all. Don't worry about getting everything done - you're working on that corner. And gradually work your way round that room.

When that room is done, move to the next but spare some time to keep the first room nice. And so on.

That's how I did it. My DH was a house-spouse and supposedly dealt with all the house stuff. He took offence if I did anything. But then he had a stroke and it was all up to me and I saw that the place was horrific! I got my wonderful DIL to come and help me, and with her as back up I slowly worked my way round the house. Then we de-cluttered the whole house and it's been easy to look after ever since.

Can you make a plan to decorate 1 room? A coat of paint is not expensive and you can do it over a weekend

You will have to declutter to do that, & maintaining it once youve got it looking the way you want is more motivating than if you feel it’s a tip …

Thanks all!
Just feels better knowing I’m not the only one.
flipflops4 me I hope your DH is recovering? That’s so scary. It’s what happened to mine too. It does take a ladies eye off her housework! I don’t have any family nearby at all, so it’s been very very tough.
despairinghomeowner I like your name! Will slap wround. One day.

@namebunny - stroke is a terrible thing isn't it? My DH has recovered well physically (with visual problems that mean he'll never drive again) but mentally he has severe cognitive problems. He might remember that the lightswitch on the wall turns on the light tonight, but tomorrow he may well have forgotten again. And so it goes for everything. Just getting dressed is a daily adventure. The really sad thing is that he knows what he has lost.

I was very lucky having my DIL - she came round once weekly and helped but I carried on every other day (albeit slowly because looking after DH takes time, and I still wfh part time).

Following an extreme declutter I am finding it easy to look after the house now. The therapists told me that stroke victims have problems seeing individual things if the table/shelf is cluttered. So - Massive Declutter - now it is so easy to see things, so calming for him (and me).

Hi Flipflopsforme that sounds tough, and lonely..or maybe that’s just me! That sounds very hard for you both.
My Dp gets really tired and confused and can’t cope with conversation much. And gets very down. Which means he can’t cope with the kids. I didn’t know that bout clutter, it’s inspired me to Chuck all this crap out that I feel I should sell on eBay but I know I never will and I realised just now thanks to you, it’s just dragging me down.
Finding it tough today, so it’s nice to hear a friendly voice!

Excellent advice from @FlipFlops4Me. Absolutely agree with ruthless decluttering - the cleaning is then so much quicker and easier. Bin/recycle/charity shop/freebay the clutter. What has really helped me is finding a person who does car boot sales on behalf of a local charity. He can take lots of stuff that a charity shop couldn't/wouldn't but that I'd feel bad about just binning.

@namebunny - yep, it's lonely and tough. I'm hoping to be able to retire at the end of March and that might make it less exhausting. My boss is wonderful but expects me to be able to do all I could before DH had his stroke.

It's become a little easier with both of us accepting that what you see is what you get. He might improve a little more, but probably not much. So I live with a man who can hold a political conversation but can't change the channel on a TV or get his jumper on the right way round without help.

I can understand your husband's frustration when so much has been lost - all of the books say that anger is common, and being quick to anger is too. I have been told about local mens' stroke groups and my DH is thinking about going to one (there are mixed groups and ones for women) but I can imagine that a man might want to discuss some aspects of stroke recovery with other men. Has your dp been recommended to groups?

Hello flipflopsforme it is lonely and tough, that’s for sure. I was so delighted to hear from you and you, weratesquirrels today! Sorry about your boss. I don’t think people get it unless you’ve gone through it. But That’s true of most stuff I think. Dp didn’t want to go to a stroke group. I think he thought it was kind of admitting he was ( in his eyes) somehow a failure and he didn’t like the thought of all the head on one side stuff. I’m pretty sure the groups are not like that , so I hope your Dh does go to one and benefits. I think part of the challenge is the shame and isolation after a critical illness.I hope your Dh doesn’t go through that. If I had the funds, I’d love to do a psychotherapy course just for this. It’s been bloody hard.
He kind of fell off the list for some reason so was discharged after an op and that was it. He eventually got to see some psychiatrist chap at the hospital once an hour every 3 months who told him to think of leaves floating on a stream. Not actually sure how much use that was.
We found Headway amazingly helpful just to offload to, if your Dh hasn’t tried them already?
Thanks for the tip. Dh definitely gets exhausted if there’s clutter about. Still leaves towels on the floor though! Ha.
Anyway, sorry weratesuirrels I am going on. Thank you for the advice. 😀Looks like I’ll definitely have to load up the car tomorrow and just oxfam the whole lot.
Ironically my friend who is decluttering brings all her unwanted oxfam finds to me! That’s a lot of binbags! I like oxfam, I like the idea of buying, using and taking back - like a library! Sorry rambling! Happy Thursday night all.

@namebunny - the people who were most helpful to us were the
Therapists. They were wonderful, and taught DH how to go up stairs etc which took real patience because he doesn't remember things - it took me 10 weeks to teach him how to make a cup of instant black coffee and we worked on that every day).

DH has learned how to take the recycling out and provided I put some plastic in the plastic bin he can follow on, and cardboard in the cardboard bin etc. Also, provided I get it out he can use the cordless hoover and - very slowly - hoover through downstairs. Being able to do these things makes him feel so much better. He still can't put a T shirt on though! Is your DH affected more physically than cognitively? WIth mine, I am in effect looking after a 4 year old who can hold an adult conversation if we go slowly. And who remembers being a senior technical electrical engineer before he took early retirement.

If your DH can read then there are some brilliant books by Tom Balchin who had a severe and extremely limiting stroke that are worth reading. He started an Institute that deals with stroke recovery and Andrew Marr credits them with his excellent recovery. Sadly we can't afford the therapy and anyway my DH has settled into a gentle acceptance of his situation, and I doubt he'd put the required work in now. The books are good though.

I wish there was a section on here where we could post - I don't know where a thread would be best going though. You got any ideas? We could be a tiny stroke support group - maybe others would join in?

Thanks flipflops I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed, today hence mumsnet! You should see the state of the house, or maybe you shouldn’t. Windows rotting because I haven’t got round to painting them, shower needs revealing, kitchen floor has a massive hole and it’s all so tired looking. But so am I!
You have immense fortitude and patience. Cannot imagine the mental strength you’ve used. 💐
A stroke support group would be GREAT. I think all the focus is on the patient, with good reason, but I could definitely do with someone to talk stuff through with, it’s really super ( that doesn’t sound right!) to hear your story.
I’ll get the book by Tom batching, thanks and mooch about mumsnet to see how we can start a tread somewhere more appropriate!
My DH is constantly exhausted and depressed. He’s very lucky in a lot of ways, but equally can’t cope with much at all. He looks fine physically but can’t walk far so is getting larger.He can’t read any more - it’s too confusing. Like yours he is beginning to get over it, mentally, or accept it anyway, but is still mentally terrified. He has a massive stent in his brain so any headache freaks ( us both) out!

Thanks for listening! Decluttering commencing today!

join us on here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/housekeeping/4267783-Hoarders-Anonymous-Part-6?msgid=111868359

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/general_health?call=NewConversationPage
Hello flipflops I’ve started a thread on the link above..hope it works!

blackeyesusan thanks for this! I have t read much but it looks like a really supportive thread will join soon!

Hi @namebunny - I couldn't find your thread!

I opened another:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/general_health/4383126-Stroke-Support-Thread?watched=1

Have popped over there!