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Housekeeping

Find cleaning advice from other Mumsnetters on our Housekeeping forum.

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Original poster

how can I get this off my mind?

49 replies

AliceWonderland88 · 10/10/2019 21:04

My partner comes from another culture and we are going through the stages of spending more time with the future in-laws and getting to know them better. This has all made me a little nervous because of their expectations of me. They said to me in order to be a good wife I must cook and clean for my husband... and I am NOT that type of woman! I didn’t say anything just shrugged and said “we will look after each other and be a team”. My partner assured me he doesn’t have those expectations of me but it is still playing on my mind. I don’t want them to hate me or think I am bad for their son because I don’t believe in traditional male/female roles. But I also won’t budge on my own values. How do I get over this?

OP posts:

TheAlternativeTentacle · 10/10/2019 23:35

You live together but his mum cooks his meals which he then moans about?

What is it exactly that you are struggling to put your finger on?

Original poster

AliceWonderland88 · 11/10/2019 06:03

Sorry I didn’t write that correctly that’s how he was when he lived with his mum and we still visit her a couple nights a week.

OP posts:

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 11/10/2019 06:11

He doesn't get to dictate which of your concerns are worth discussing. Walk away.

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 11/10/2019 06:19

"When they show you who they are, believe them"

What prevents me from believing him is his body language. How he goes quiet every time I bring it up. How everyday his mum makes him dinner, cleans up after him while he moans at her for not using his favourite chicken. When says things like “I love you that’s all you need to know” and when instead of comforting me when I approach the subject he turns it around on me, changes the subject or just gets annoyed at me

Red flags galore!

HollowTalk · 11/10/2019 09:57

If you don't want to behave like his mum in almost every way, don't marry him, OP. You can see the warning signs now - don't make that fatal error of marrying him and having children with him.

MikeUniformMike · 11/10/2019 19:34

Get this moved to Relationships OP.

I'd run for the hills.

1onelyranger · 11/10/2019 20:07

I think that his reluctance to talk about it could be the tension between how he was brought up and his love for his family vs what he has learned and how he has changed.

What is he like to live with? Can you not judge him by his behaviour?

Velveteenfruitbowl · 11/10/2019 20:13

I was brought up being told that women who wear revealing clothes are asking for rape and eating pork it’s morally wrong. I don’t believe that shot because I’m not an idiot. Maybe he’s the same? Maybe he’s a bit insulted by your mistrust? I’d be insulted if someone couldn’t understand why I would suddenly not believe in the nonsense I was brought up with.

Palaver1 · 13/10/2019 06:50

This shouldn’t be in housekeeping.
Do you love him enough to be the expected sort of wife can you adjust to this sort of expectation.
If not then it’s time to put the whole relationship-to rest .

ChardonnaysDistantCousin · 13/10/2019 06:57

“I love you that’s all you need to know”

I don’t like this.

Bucatini · 13/10/2019 07:05

OP, the best way of your DP proving to you that he is different from his culture is by actions, not words.

Rather than discussing the subject, I would observe him - not with his parents, but with you. Does he do his fair share willingly and without nagging? What if you are ill for a few days, or very busy and stressed at work - does he try to make things easier for you by stepping up at home?

If the answer is no, things are very unlikely to improve if you get married and have kids!

MintyT · 13/10/2019 07:41

If you are worrying about something he should try to reassure you. He's not that's worrying saying I love you is not enough

SingingLily · 13/10/2019 07:57

How everyday his mum makes him dinner, cleans up after him while he moans at her for not using his favourite chicken.

In other words, his mother waited on him hand and foot and instead of showing some appreciation for her total subservience, he whinged at her because she failed to meet his exacting standards.

Oh dear.

Does he ever criticise you for little things? You know, things like not cooking exactly what he wants how he wants, telling you to tidy yourself up a bit before going to his parents, expecting you to do particular chores around the home even when you are stressed/ill/too busy.

If the answer is yes, how do you think it will be after you marry?

Fatshedra · 13/10/2019 08:03

He probably means what he says but I'd be worried things would change when DCs arrive. It would be interesting to hear from the pp who has talked it all through with her DH whether they have DCs and how their care is shared.

RobinHobb · 13/10/2019 13:53

I'm usually not drawn into commenting and in this case even though pps have said it all already and I'm only repeating what they have said, I will underline that you need to have a think about what you are getting into. This is based on personal experience - my ex was charming charismatic liberal and I could not imagine anyone with more progressive liberal views. Then there was the culture clash, points that have been made above
His family constantly emasculated him for helping and being with me
I had to marry the family and was expected to cook and clean for them not just him when we visited on weekends
Huge fights between us when he thought I was being selfish and I could suck it up for one day week to keep them quiet and him happy
It was horrific.
And no one would have believed it of him. He seemed completely unlike that...

Original poster

AliceWonderland88 · 14/10/2019 11:53

So far he’s been happy to do the dishes and take the bins out but everything else like washing, cleaning loo/bathroom, dusting, general tidying etc...I have had to ask him to do and he will do it that one time and next week I’d have to ask him again or just start doing it myself, then he will take over. We have had arguments about housework but he’s been quite willing to cook for me. When I’ve been ill he will make me dinner and wash up. He’s never changed the bedding or cleaned anything without being asked.

OP posts:

ChangedMyNameYetAgain · 14/10/2019 12:08

How he is at home is the one to look at OP. His parents' home not yours and his.
When you are married and have children he may well expect you to take a traditional role.
Maybe he won't but it is possible.

1onelyranger · 14/10/2019 15:36

I think you have your answer OP. Why are you worried about what his words mean when his actions tell you so clearly?

Original poster

AliceWonderland88 · 14/10/2019 15:59

Perhaps I am just not very good at reading people but it is not clear to me. He does some housework but not all and is willing to cook for me too and clear up after. He does leave the “cleaning” to me.

OP posts:

MikeUniformMike · 14/10/2019 16:15

Has he lived on his own? Did he do his own cleaning and laundry then?
I suspect it will all fall to you when you are married.

gamerchick · 14/10/2019 16:22

Seriously OP, take in what your eyes are telling you.

Tell him there is no wedding until he automatically takes on the chores without being asked and tells his parents it won't be a traditional household. You'll rue it when the babies come along if you don't get the fucker told now

1onelyranger · 14/10/2019 17:14

Perhaps I am just not very good at reading people but it is not clear to me.

You’ve told us that he won’t do the laundry, clean the toilet or bathroom, dusting, bed-making or tidying until you bring it up. He will argue with you over housework.

This is not the behaviour of a normal, functioning adult.

HuloBeraal · 14/10/2019 18:56

He’s never changed the bed or done any cleaning without being asked. WTF? Forget all the cultural differences, this in itself is a red flag. Why does his penis prevent him from doing housework without being nagged?

SlowDown76mph · 17/10/2019 10:58

... don't get pregnant.

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