My messy filthy house and the battle I can’t win

[Helen1tropic]

So a bit of background first, I am a full time business owner and my husband is the full Time carer for our 3 children, ages 8, 3 & 18 months old. My business has really kicked off lately and I have taken the option to expand the business, the only downside is that I have to live away during the week and travel home at the weekends, I’m expecting the situation to be like this for 1 year maximum. He was fully on board with this decision, I’m earning good money for it.

My husband has always been a bit of a slob and this has caused many arguments over the years, I know we have children and I’m not really that bothered about toys being out and general mess that our children create. I am however really frustrated that he leaves everything out, all sideboards are filled with clutter, including windowsills, even places like on top of the toilet cistern are fair game places for things to be put, the reason this happens is because he fills every cupboard and draw to the max so it becomes useless. This Also means cleaning is very difficult so he rarely bothers.
I have set up little systems around the house to try and avoid this but it’s like he doesn’t care, the cupboard for the glasses in the kitchen just gets filled with anything.
My biggest annoyance is clothes and laundry, he does the washing but never completes anything, when I come home on Friday there are clothes everywhere, on radiators, in the dryer, on top, half wet, half dry, all drawers in the children’s rooms are empty and have clothes that don’t fit. It is driving me nuts, the kids never have any socks to wear and I dread to think what he does during the week about clean clothes for them as I can never find any at the weekend.

I have sometimes spent the whole weekend trying to sort the entire house out only for it to be all undone by the following weekend.
He spends his days selling protein powders and other supplements on Facebook and these are also all over the house, I bought him storage boxes for them to try and encourage him to be organied but this has failed completely, he even has them all over the dinner table so we can’t even have a meal without having to move them.I never see any of the money he supposedly makes, it seems like a scam to me, I wish he would just concentrate on having a nice home, and look after the children better rather than being buried in his phone selling this stuff on Facebook

I don’t know what to do, I can’t live in the house like this, I’m half tempted to just boot him out and have an Au pair instead.
I can’t bring my children up in such a filthy chaotic house, it’s not setting the right example for them

Please let me know what you would do?

Could you have a cleaner for 2 or 3 hours every Monday and Friday?

Well if you boot him out you definitely won't manage with an au pair, you'll need a parent proxy nanny which is £££, or to quit your business.
Do you want him out regardless? If so, then maybe that's worth the sacrifice.

Or if you have something decent underneath all the mess, are you able to afford an au pair or twice a week cleaner and tidier in the meantime? Expensive but cheaper than divorce and sounds like you've tried the obvious.
Also does he have any time when the DC's are not around to spend on his business? 3dcs that age is very full on, and relentless day in and out - so long as his earnings cover childcare, even if there's not much left over, it could be worth it. I have 4 small DCs and a couple of nights a week I have a mother's help come over to support with bedtime etc, it's a life saver. You can get a teenager doing it for after school money, or sometimes older ladies who are retired and looking for a bit of extra cash.

The things that really stand out are:

1. You would benefit from a massive de clutter. I mean massive. Be severe. If you’re not sure you want to part with stuff then put it in a box and see if you use it/think about it over a week or month. Then get rid of it.

2. Your OH is being a nob and he might also need to go in the declutter! Is the protein selling an mlm?

Ahhh my answer would depend on how you get on with him generally, certainly I know that frustration that a slovenly husband brings.

If he looks after the children well - ie attends to all their needs fully except for the cleaning element, then I’d try and get him to do the basics and look at affording a cleaner (if you can afford it). Frustrating as for the next year, you might just end up spending all weekend cleaning and organising for the week.

If he isn’t a hands on playful dad then I’d be much less understanding, and would be telling him that he needs to atleast bloody try.

Mine isn’t great, his standards as so low that I’m not sure what would kick him into gear. But I’ve tried to relax mine so that short term i can bear it. Longer term, he helps me deep clean every few weeks and I’ll often give him the baby for a quick whizz around. Setting his mother and sister onto him was how I got my point across without nagging him much myself. As in my opinion, his mum should have taught him initially!

Sorry your having a bad day though, you must be very frustrated

If the house is as chaotic as you say then there will be limited point to getting a cleaner just yet.

I'd be tempted to do as you are considering - show him the door and get a nanny or au pair instead.

Get a skip and dump everything in it. Tell him you'll spend the weekend together getting rid of it all and then get a cleaning company in for a spring clean.

He needs to wash dry and put away one load a day. Non-negotiable.

Print out the organised mum method for him to follow after that and it should take no more than 45 minutes a day

A Tumble drier might solve the wet clothes all over the place.

But it does boil down to him being happy for the children to live in filth and junk. Is money worth that?

I think some of these responses are a bit harsh. If a woman came on here to say she was alone all week with an 8 year old and two DC's under school age, and her husband was saying she's a slob, the other posters would be shocked at him. Not saying op is unjustified (I'd be annoyed!), but I think with these ages, The Organised Mum routine is not going to be enough, he needs more support or low expectations.

Can you no move to where your work is?

You have too much stuff.

You need a tumble drier.

You need to get someone in to help get your home into some kind of order.

I felt I was struggling to keep order in my home at the beginning of the year. Then I watched the Netflix show about Marie Kondo’s method of decluttering and organisation of clothes/papers/sentimental items/photos/books and since then i have taken about 10 bags of things we don’t need to charity. 5 bags to local baby bank, 2 bags to kids school. I’ve sold table/lamp/bike and various other things we didn’t want on gumtree and I’ve done 2 car boot sales. All in I’ve made about £500, and the house is completely de cluttered and organised. My older children can now take better care of their rooms and clothes due to how I have set it up for them. From there Ive Cleaned every carpet/floor/skirting board and touched up paint work. I’ve used the money I’ve made to but new light fittings for several rooms and the house looks and feels so much better and I feel much less stressed about housework. Look it up and give it a go, it takes quite some time. Buts it definitely worth it. If you don’t have NF there is a book too, that costs just a few pounds on Amazon. Good luck🍀

Oooops meant to add MK method also includes toys. This was a biggy. 😩We also got a mini skip for stuff that we couldn’t sell or donate!

A daily cleaner wouldn't be able to clean with all that stuff everywhere. Your problem is all the "stuff". I'd have a massive declutter, get a housekeeper and get your DH to go back to work to pay for it.

I don’t see that a cleaner would help- they won’t tidy for you or sort your washing, this is more of a housekeeper service

An au pair can’t run the whole household

I think the next option would be to pay for a decluttering service to start with. Unfortunately, although you shouldn’t have to sort of all this if he won’t you don’t seem to be left with much choice. Maybe service washes at the laundrette Would be better if the washing is causing such issue (I couldn’t handle my children not having clean clothes)

Mon to Friday he looks after 3 children by himself including 2 toddlers and your complaining he doesn’t do enough housework? I think your being unreasonable.

It sounds like things do need to change though.

1. Both have a serious declutter - Kondo is a good place to start
2. Get a tumble drier
3. Get a cleaner
4. He needs to create a daily housework routine to keep himself on track
5. Ask him to keep accounts for the protein stuff and a list of how much time he is spending so he can work out if it’s worth it. It sounds like a MLM scheme which many SAHP fall for
6. Be a bit more understanding of what his daily challenges are.

Oh god we have decluttered and decluttered and it still feels like we have too much stuff. I don't know where we keep it all. it may be an idea to get him out the house and do it on your own. I know thats what my OH wants to do because im the one that wants to do it but im also the one that wants to keep everything hahahahahahaha!

Sorry but if he is sahd they don't need a cleaner or childcare! Most couples work full time or have one full time and one part time and manage to keep everything reasonably tidy!

That being said i don't think you should expect to come home for the weekend to an immaculate home either op.

Wow this sounds exhausting. Does he work too? He doesn't sound like he's coping in the week. I agree with some pp's the issue is clutter. I do find it really quite odd he would just put any old crap in the kitchen cupboard meant for say cups.

So many people are quick to jump to the men's defence on here but come on! There's being a bit untidy and disorganised but this sounds like it's taking the piss! I would've blown my top long long ago, I'm definitely not perfect and spotless but my house is always fairly clean and tidy. I have 4 kids (12, 11, 3 and 22 months) and a DH who doesn't do anything at all so I do understand who relentless it is. My youngest aren't in childcare and are pretty full on, I can't leave them playing while I get on with stuff but I still manage to keep the house clean, tidy and cook proper dinners most nights.

My advice is to be as organised as you can in the house. I have lots and lots of plastic storage boxes and every person has their own (named) washing tub. Everything gets washed together but I fold it as it comes out the dryer into their own tub. I do quick bursts of jobs through the day in between playing etc. Neither child naps in this house so I don't get an hour to catch up either and it's not often I'm doing anything beyond a bit of washing/washing tea pots once they're in bed.

I think you have a few solutions here that will take you some of the way. (The rest of it is due to your husband and I'm not sure you can change him).

Firstly you can clear the house of loads of clutter: I Marie Kondo-ed at the beginning of this year and it made such a difference to the amount of clutter. If you don't have it in the house to start with, it can't clutter up surfaces.

The washing - can you get a tumble drier? Otherwise I suggest you do their washing at the weekend. That would mean you have to do it, but at least you can do it in a short intense burst

The protein powders - can these be confined to one room of the house?

A cleaner? Can you afford a cleaner for a Friday afternoon - at least then you'll come home to a clean house.

The husband working when he's doing childcare. Have you spoken to him? Can he do this in the evenings instead?

i agree - a huge declutter needed. we did this when we moved house. as we were packing up we decluttered. except for clothes. which i've started doing now.

trying to clean with that much clutter is a nightmare, it just won't get done. im on maternity leave next month, and am getting a cleaner when i go back to work in january. but will still need to tidy things away so that they can clean.

I think some of these responses are a bit harsh. If a woman came on here to say she was alone all week with an 8 year old and two DC's under school age, and her husband was saying she's a slob, the other posters would be shocked at him. Not saying op is unjustified (I'd be annoyed!), but I think with these ages, The Organised Mum routine is not going to be enough, he needs more support or low expectations.

I agree totally with this.

Delutter declutter declutter!

It's a hard slog all week alone with 3 kids, 2 of which are pre schoolers.

I also have to agree with @Stuckforthefourthtime 😕

It can feel relentless being at home trying to keep on top of everything with young kids. And if there's stuff everywhere then IMO you've got too much clutter anyway so he's fighting a losing battle.

Get rid of everything you don't need! May take a few weekends, take it a room at a time. Toys/clothes/unnecessary furniture etc leaves the house. Find a home for everything, then there's no excuse for it not to be kept on top of.

If you can afford to throw some money at this problem here are my suggestions.

Stop the protein powder business and increase DHs personal allowance to compensate.

Watch the Marie Kondo programmes and de clutter the house. Arrange childcare maybe once or twice a week to assist with this and maybe get DH to work with a professional declutterer.

Set up daily routines for housework and laundry. Have a cleaner each week. Maybe arrange one day a week childcare for the youngest children so that DH can have some time to himself while you are working away.

The aim would be for there to be minimal housework for you both to do at weekends so that you can both enjoy some rest and family time.

You both need to be working as a team for this to work, if you can't get DH to engage that's a huge problem.

i do think that the organised mum method would work, but only after you've done the hard graft of getting the house in order first.

this is what we had to do. the only part of TOMM i follow religiously is the one load of laundry a day and the 30 minutes to housework a day. i don't do specific rooms on specific days.

i do always try to have a sweep round and at least put things in their correct rooms - even if i don't put them away.