Get very anxious about visitors and entertaining

[coco123456789]

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I always feel sick with anxiety whenever I know people are coming to the house. Our house isn’t even that bad - it’s with 3 kids in a terrace house and no hallway, there is understandably a lack of space and we need to tidy up whenever we know people are coming. It makes me so stressed though and I don’t know why. In my rational mind I know people aren’t judging me. It just makes me so anxious. How can I be less stressed? I don’t have a space I can keep for best as we are all open plan downstairs and no hallway. My husband gets frustrated with me as he says people don’t notice stuff, it’s a family home with little kids and understandably we have toys, paintings, crafts etc. He loves having a busy family home as his mother was a neat freak and everything very sterile. I guess I’m just venting, sorry! Any tips on how to be a zen, calm host?!

I feel the same as you! There is too much STUFF!
Our house is 4 bedroomed but is full of STUFF! My parents died a few years ago and I had to clear out their bungalow. We have stuff still to sort from them in the garage and loft.
DS moved out 18 months ago but had no room for his stuff which is still here. I then spread into his bedroom which is full and I have had no time to sort.
DS has moved back temporarily as he is buying a new flat - so now more stuff of his is in kitchen, his old bedroom and our spare room where he is sleeping.
I apologise to everyone who comes about the state of the place.
I try to keep hallway, lounge and conservatory tidy but feel that everything else could all come tumbling into view at any moment.

It's natural feeling like that OP! 💐 I feel your pain and my DH feels your DHs pain!! We downsized from a MASSIVE 4 bed to a small 3 bed with 3DC and (one is SEN and v messy!) and the lack of space/clutter drives me mental! In terms of your anxiety/stress, I honestly have found learning to breathe and doing yoga has calmed down my stressy-ness about it sooo much. There is a mindfulness app which is supposed to be really good for calming angst! As for practicalities.. Have a chuck out session, without the DC 😈 and see what you can get rid of. How do you store clutter? Seats with storage underneath are good.. Those door hanging shoes racks (cheap from B&m) have been a godsend...

Thanks. We do have some storage but kids don’t really follow the put away after use rule...! I need to train them better. I think the open plan thing is the main problem. Mess in the kitchen can be clearly seen from the sofa / nothing is out of sight out of mind! I think the problem isn’t so much the ‘stuff’ as my attitude towards it. It makes me feel all prickly and horrible seeing stuff. I long to be the sort of warm hearted person who opens their door at a moments notice and lets people take them as they find them. I want people to feel welcome in our home but am aware that I have the opposite effect when I keep going on about the mess.

I think the problem isn’t so much the ‘stuff’ as my attitude towards it. It makes me feel all prickly and horrible seeing stuff. [...] I want people to feel welcome in our home but am aware that I have the opposite effect when I keep going on about the mess.

Why does the 'mess' bother you so much? Do you feel it's some kind of judgement on you (rather than on your DH and children)? Given that you are aware that you risk appearing unwelcoming by greeting visitors by going on about the mess, do you think it's partly that you actually don't want anyone visiting, and/or are resenting your DH's preference for a 'busy' household because of his neat freak upbringing? If he hadn't had that kind of upbringing, do you think you would be enforcing more tidiness on the children? Does he pull his weight?

My husband doesn’t want a busy household in that he wants guests - what I mean is that he loves seeing LEGO the kids have built, drawings they have made and takes joy from family stuff. We never have people over because I am worried about all that. I think it’s probably partly because my mum was always paranoid about visitors and mess too. I long to be someone who can invite someone in for an impromptu coffee without having to go into a whole spiel about mess. I have a friend who has sooooo much stuff it is ridiculous, but I love going there as she is always so happy and looks after her guests well, inviting. Doesn’t even mention / make excuses about all her kids stuff. I know in my rational mind that my house is actually tidier. It all seems focused on my house though. I have a friend who is constantly in about her weight and I have said to her, you are a 10 and I’m a 14 so do you think I am just massive then? And she said, it doesn’t mater that you’re a size 14 as you don’t mind so people don’t notice your weight! I guess we all have our foibles and obsessions

It sounds to me, OP, as if you are actually judgemental yourself about or at least very attuned to other people's houses' level of untidiness, and comparing them with your own. Can't you consider that this is your particular focus of anxiety, and not anyone else's?

And we all learned stupid, gendered, unhelpful scripts from our mothers I certainly did, I learned the most damaging nonsense about friendships and that having good self-esteem was 'arrogance', that women were less important than men, that you should expect nothing and you would never be disappointed etc etc but it's perfectly possible to reject those voices in our heads and find new ones that don't damage our adult lives.

Do you actually want visitors, though?