Overwhelmed by where to start with my mothers house

[Peopleplease]

Long story short - I grew up on a farm where my mother was too busy on the farm to do much cleaning. The house has always been dirty (I mean proper cow shit on the floor dirty) and cluttered because mum is a borderline hoarder who can’t bear to see anything thrown out (when I lived at home she would go through bin bags to see what I’d thrown out and then ‘rescue’ it - I remember throwing out a pair of cheap earrings because I’d lost the back of one and she took them out of the bin).

Anyway she’s finally accepted she needs help and my in-laws are taking my youngest for 3 hours every week so I can clean.

Current situation is 2 cats, a litter tray, friends who visit mum wearing dirty wellies. Most rooms now are wood or vinyl but still some carpeted.

When do I start? I don’t know if I should do a superficial clean first so floors and surfaces and then do the floors and a deeper clean every week or should I go room by room until it’s done - most rooms would take at least 3 weeks.

I would do room by room start with kitchen living area by putting on any washing/ dishes that need done. Bin bags fill with rubbish then others for charity then for keeping. Then clean all surface and floors.will take more than 3 hours so just do it small task by task.

I grew up with this so I do get it.

She’s late 70s now and getting quite frail with a lot of aches and pains and falling (I suspect more than she’s telling me). I don’t plan on stripping the place bare but there’s a lot of stuff that just doesn’t need to be there any more.

I plan on doing the kitchen, bathroom and living room to a clean standard and then work on maintaining them. Then start to purge the 2 unused bedroom that are full of stuff.

Her bedroom I’ll tidy and clean but mostly leave to her.

My aunt also has a bedroom there and it’s her decision what she wants me to do with that.

From what you've said, I think the first step is to manage your own expectations. Even though she has asked you to help, she may not want you to throw away everything or maintain the cleared rooms to a standard that you would like.

I would echo PP to do one room at a time, and to consistently maintain what is clean. So kitchen floor gets mopped every week etc. This might slow you down a little, but realistically it will take 12 - 18 months to get through the rooms that you're describing at 3 hours each week. This is not a criticism, it's just going to need a lot of patience. You might also need to be prepared that not all of those 3 hours will be spent cleaning, no doubt your mother will try to waylay you to delay the cleaning (perhaps subconsciously if she is a true hoarder).

Best of luck and let us know how you get on!

P.s. a trick my bil uses with my mil (also a hoarder) is 'If you can tell me what's in the bin bags I've taken to the car, I'll return the item'. She can never name a single thing!

I have cleared my parents’ home after their deaths. It was a huge job and my advice is to get rid of rubbish before attempting to clean. Empty homes are easy to clean whereas cluttered homes are almost impossible to clean.

I will not do this to my kids. Not leave them with my rubbish to sort thru, I mean. Not unless I've got serious dementia which I guess is possible.

My mother was adamant that she would not do this but sadly life takes over in unpredictable ways.

From what you've said, I think the first step is to manage your own expectations. Even though she has asked you to help, she may not want you to throw away everything or maintain the cleared rooms to a standard that you would like

This with bells on !

My DParents are 82 this year. My DMum has always been untidy and looking back , always been a hoarder. I blame her childhood , she was a child of rationing times which I know doesn't automatically mean : Child Post War= Adult That Hoards but it goes a way to explaining.
Some of her happiest memories are things like her Mum making a coat for her with scrap material and meals from nought (and they were nice too)

She never let us throw things out and always wanted "A tidy house" for birthday or Mothers Day but no matter what we did , it never lasted and it became our 'job'

So, now when I go to help, I know I'm fighting to make her let go of things.
She also keeps any receptable (boxes , baskets etc )just to fill with things .

Will your Mum let you have free rein or will she do what mine would do ( say "Right" and insist the bag is open so she can ransack through it and claw everything back) It is tempting to say "Stuff It" and just tip everything on the floor.

I am going up to DParents in a few weeks. My DDad room is very tidy , he can tell you exactly where everything is. Though he does pick something up that i have put n the 'bin' pile and say "Oh look she's throwing this out" . I give him a 'look' , tell him to make me coffee and that he's being the Opposite of Help.

Three Bags:
Bin (rubbish)
Recycle(paper/plastic)
Charity Shop (but only sellable things and fabric rags that they take for scrap)

I go through each thing , sometimes she will grab it back and say "No" . If its something dear to her , I pick my battles.
Something like bedding, I go through into sets and get her to chuck out the tatty ones. She had loads of unused and unusable .

If she has 2-3 of something , I get her to pick one *things like a peeler or measuring jug , she doesn't need 3)

Get the bags out of the house Straight Away . Lock them in your car or a shed . It gives you room and gets them out of her mind.
I destroy all the boxes etc as soon as they're empty . DDad is an enabler "Your Mum might want to keep that" .. No ,

They do try to give away rather than put in the bin, but some things are not recyclable and it isn't fair to give the Charity Shop the job .

If you need to go to the dump, will you need her details ? Most will only let you if you are a house holder . Best to contact them to find out.

My Dmum has 2 knitting machines and 3 sewing machines plus endless bits of material that she is adamant she will sew (she won't). The knitting machines are under the bed .

My task is to get the majority of the material out (I left her some things she said she was going to sew . She won't have done . She can't even hold a fork let along a needle )

Good Luck !

I always wonder if when they slept one did a tidy ...throw away wuld they know

How are you getting on OP?

Getting there! I’ve surface cleaned the kitchen, living room and bathroom. Mostly they’re staying tidy! I’ve started on one of the spare rooms and discovered mould all over the wall once I started pulling stuff out.

One of the biggest battles with her has been over old threadbear (I haven’t spelled that correctly have I?) bedding and towels. I’ve told her they’re being donated and that helped.

You're doing an amazing thing peopleplease

Often animal shelters/rescue places will take old bedding/blankets/pillows etc (assuming they can be washed ok and aren't too stinky) . If she's in a farming community, is there anything like that nearby?

One of the biggest battles with her has been over old threadbear (I haven’t spelled that correctly have I?) bedding and towels. I’ve told her they’re being donated and that helped.

This reminds me of my family. Although their homes were clean they had a massive problem with throwing stuff out. "They're still usable dear" "someone might need them sometime". My mum kept everyones old curtains so anyone who left home had to just ring her, tell her the size and she would find the curtain. Well, that was the plan at least. In reality everyone just bought cheap ones from ikea. I know one young man who borrowed my sewing machine asked how it worked and sewed his own. Did a nice job too.

I have just got back from DParents.

I got my Dad onside (basically if something is going in the bin, don't say to her "oh she's throwing this out" )

There was a cardboard box "Your Mum might want to keep that"
No she will fill it with 'stuff'

Instructions for items she doesn't own any more
Duvets she'd cut in half (so the filling spilled out)
The bloody knitting machine /sewing machine (kept the better ones , got rid of the others)
Massive tangled amount of wool, there was no saving it

Sadly nothing for the charity shop except a brand new (unused still its its box table) that they have not and will not use , so someone else can.

Very hard work, bags of duvets and fabric.
The sewing/knitting machine parts

DMum had a hospital appointment , I got the Consultant to really inforce the need to clear clutter for safety . That was my Back Up.

It is quite a relief to do but its a slow process .

Getting someone onside is a big thing.

I threw out a bag from “the cats room” - which is basically just a junk room so I’m kinda curious to see if she’ll go through it once I’m gone. It’s in the bin and heavy so I’m hoping she won’t be able to take it out. My own bin was full so I couldn’t take it home.

How are you getting on OP?

Im a hoarder and from an Irish farming community as well (originally), I know the exact trigger point for my hoarding and am working my way back from there. I am a lot better than I used to be but nowhere near where I want to be. So a work in progress.

www.oxfordclinicalpsych.com/view/10.1093/med:psych/9780199334940.001.0001/med-9780199334940-interactive-pdf-004.pdf

I was at 6s and 7s in the past, MH team arranged for a pair of industrial clearers to come in to sort the situation, I also had an infestation,

MH team had originally wanted to section me as it was so bad (they deemed me a danger to myself in it) landlord gave me a lot of hassle, GP pointed out that me being in a hospital 30+ miles away wasnt going to help anything and things would be as bad in several weeks as the suggestion was close up the house while I was in hospital.

I was given a small cardboard box to put my saved stuff in and cried a lot as I watched 2 men fill bins worth of stuff to 2 skips outside. MH team declared all was well and stepped out. No actual support for the reasons why they didn't actually care.

Fast forward a couple of years, add in inheritance and I was in as bad as ever but now more 9s than 8s, So pretty bad,

It's taken almost 2 years with help and support and the emotional side supported too, 2 workers who have helped a lot having a bit of chat, working thru stuff and most importantly getting the stuff out of the house before I could change my mind.

So bags for dumping, recycling, donations and stuff which went straight to a friend who has ebayed them for me to help as he won't give them back to me so can count as gone.

Its a lot easier, there is still stuff to sort, Im about to move as a new place which is accessible is on target for the end of the month finish and some stuff will move the selected, the rest will be in this house and is going then to be dumped, recycled, sold or donated as it needs to be stripped before handing back

Out of all the stuff that has gone out of here, I have only asked for one thing back and that was via the worker who was going to take to charity shop (it was a small shoebox with Wii games), I found the console and everything else to go with it except controllers so I have a playable game again after buying a controller,

I am determined that I am not carrying it on into my future, so cheering you on.

Take tons of photos as you do this as it will show how far you have come when things take a step back or are feeling hopeless.