Am I being completely unreasonable?

[flowerpower2018]

Hello all,

New to this - not sure if I am posting this in the right place.

I am a student currently at home in the holidays but will be going back to university in September. I live at home in the summer whilst working. The problem is my parents house: I grew up in a house where every surface was littered with stuff/grime. Probably because of this, I am completely the opposite. When I'm at home, I find myself getting really angry at how my parents keep the house. Its more they dont seem to have any respect for the house and just leave things as and when they please. I dont have children, but sometimes it feels like I am nagging at them like that.

I have spent so much of my time in the holidays cleaning and decluttering the house but whenever I come back again its exactly the same. It annoys me that they cant see how much time it takes to do and cannot be bothered to keep it tidy afterwards. For example, I paid £90 for an oven cleaner to come last easter - it was left absolutely spotless and i just asked them to wipe the surface down after using. Came back a few months later and I could tell they hadn't wiped it once. Like I said, i'm a student so it took me a while to save up for the cleaning and i could have used the money elsewhere!

If anyone has any similar situations/advice I would be grateful - Im really at my wits end and have been brought to tears a few times (neither of my parents seem to care!). Considering not coming home for the holidays as being in the house is too stressful but I do really love my parents and want to see them.

Thanks!

It sounds grim, but it’s their house and they have a right to live in it the way they want

Forgot to add, I am a medical student so i don't get many holidays and i cant really afford to be stressed when I have them!

Some people just don't do tidy (or even 'clean').

If it's a health issue then some conversations need to be had; if it's not then just count down the days 'till you move out for good.

People have different priorities. All credit to you for caring, but don't make yourself ill over it. Suggest to your dp's that they have a cleaner in, a couple of times a week.

thanks for the replies!

ive offered to pay for a cleaner to come (out of my own savings), but dp's refused

I think you have to see past the house. Years ago I had a friend whose house was just as grim. She just couldn't keep a house clean and tidy, partly because of lack of time but also because it didn't matter enough to her.

I used to have to fix my face when I saw the state of the cup I was going to have to drink out of, and I had to tell myself that my kids were building up their immune systems. I was less on top of the cleaning than I am now, but I still struggled sometimes because of the grime in her house.

But I liked her. Our kids liked each other and that mattered more. She died two years ago, and I am glad I knew her and spent time with her when I did.

It's their house unfortunately they can live in it how they like. My sister is the same and I've lived with plenty of dirty people house-sharing. A leopard never changes it's spots. I found the only way I could keep dirty people clean was to do everything myself. You can't expect people to live the way you want to live. Take the £90 next time and take yourself off to a spa day or something. De-stress that way ;)

Sounds similar to what my dad is like. He works from home, but never cleans anything as he's too busy and thinks that as long as the toilet and kitchen have a usable surface then it's OK.
There is nowhere to sit down apart from his office chair as every part of the house is full of scientific papers.
He's a professor.
I refused to visit a few years back as he hadn't even bothered to de flea the cats for years.
My DD (who was 3 yrs old) was covered in fleas, must have counted over 50 on her!
He even has mice running around. He thinks they are cute.
I despair!
I'm a cleaner by the way. Living in a shit hole as a child made me appreciate cleanliness!

My dad's like this, it's really difficult. I used to drive myself nutty cleaning the house from top to bottom, go back and it was the same - soul destroying. Have my own home so not in same position as you; I now no longer go back to his house when I go back home, we go out to eat or for walks. I'd focus on asking them to leave your room alone when you're away and keep that as your clean space. The other thing you can do (not sure if it's just dirt or if they are hoarders as well?) Is try and get them to get rid of a couple of things each time you go back - the less stuff there is the less there is to clean.

With the best will in the world, OP, I don't think your parents are going to change on the basis of you living there very part-time. They were never going to wipe the oven, I'm afraid.

Don't spend any more of your money on cleaning their house. If I were you I'd either stay elsewhere and just visit for a weekend, or I'd focus on my own space in the house (bedroom etc) and try not to 'see' the rest.

I think if you're a medical student you will have to learn that paying for the oven to be cleaned won't resolve a hoarding and mess issue. I don't blame you for being really uncomfortable there, but they have to live the way they want to live.

Is your accommodation paid for so that you could stay at your own place? Could you visit your parents for the day?

The thing is, it’s their house. They are happy with it like that. They didn’t ask you to pay to have the oven cleaned, so why would they maintain it?
If I were you I’d just limit visits to the odd night rather than the whole holidays. They won’t change unless they want to change.

You have my sympathies OP, I was in a very similar position as a student. Whilst I was living at home (at school) I managed to keep the place relatively OK but once I moved out things went badly to pot. You are not unreasonable to be upset but I'm afraid there's no easy answer. People usually live like this because there are other things going on in their lives, in the case of my mum and dad it was serious ongoing physical and mental health issues that meant they just weren't capable of keeping their house to a normal standard. You don't say if this is the case for your parents but in general if you want to help or even just understand them it might be best to look at the underlying cause rather than putting a 'sticking plaster' over such as by hiring a cleaner etc.?

I do understand how you feel, for me it was a combination of really sad for them to be living that way, anger/frustration at the waste of previous hard work, worried about the future, some shame/guilt and also a good dose of pure practical/selfish irritation that I couldn't ever have friends over or my boyfriend to stay because of the state of the house! I found it particularly upsetting that over one term my Dad completely filled 'my' bedroom with his cluttered/hoarded stuff so I didn't even have a bed to sleep in - he totally did not understand why this was upsetting to me either!

In practical terms I dealt with the situation by limiting the time I was at home, 6-8 weeks living in those conditions just wasn't good for me and after a few experiences like you describe of spending a lot of time cleaning and sorting only for it to be back to square 1 pretty much as soon as I left, I had to accept I couldn't necessarily change the state of the house. I would divide my holidays roughly in 3, spent a few weeks in my uni town earning money and catching up on studies, a few weeks staying with my boyfriend in his parents (immaculate!) house -I was very lucky in that they were generous with letting me stay a few weeks at a time - and then a few weeks back home with my parents. Whilst at home I would still spend some time cleaning/clearing but mainly to make my life easier - so clearing my room, the kitchen and bathroom - and small tasks at a time such as clearing out the fridge or a cupboard rather than dedicating whole days or spending lots of money on it. At the same time I did develop new ways of being close to my parents, helping and spending time with them without it being so focused on the house and me staying with them for long periods of of time so don't worry that this means you can't have a strong relationship with them - you just need to reevaluate and find a new way that works for you.

Hope you are able to work something out!