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Housekeeping

Find cleaning advice from other Mumsnetters on our Housekeeping forum.

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Original poster

Parents house is filthy! How to talk without offending?

11 replies

nyxornice · 30/07/2017 12:22

Hello, i'm 25 and have been moved out a good few years, and when I last lived there it was a bit messy but nothing out of the ordinary.
Fast track to now and I go home every month or so and it's getting worse and worse. I wouldn't say anything but my brother is only 9 and I don't want him to grow up thinking this is the norm... She hasn't hoovered in years, the toilet is black, cobwebs everywhere and its hard to walk around some rooms and actually see the floor. She has suffered with depression before, but my dad also lives there and his room (they don't sleep in same room) is a bit tidier and his car is spotless but he doesn't seem to be doing anything to the rest of the house?

I have offered to help before but they've always said no, but its getting to the point where it will just get worse and worse... and I know if i properly sat them down they would just get majorly offended and maybe not even speak to me for a while. They are amazing parents so its not like my brother is having a bad upbringing, but should I say anything about the mess?

OP posts:

Solasum · 30/07/2017 12:25

I'm sorry, but I don't think living in that level of squalor means they are are amazing parents. Suggest a cleaner?

CarabellaSmella · 30/07/2017 14:10

That's really difficult. I think you do need to say something, even if they do get offended. My mum is a bit of a hoarder and in the past I've gone round for weekends solely for the purpose of chucking stuff out. Maybe if you went round one weekend with a load of cleaning stuff and bin bags and just tell them it's a tip and you're there to help them? Sounds like this may be related to your mum's depression though so be gentle. You might get some better advice for handling this on the Relationships board?

AdalindSchade · 30/07/2017 14:13

Failing to provide a clean house for your kids precludes being an 'amazing parent' - you can be an adequate one but not amazing. Your brother deserves better so you need to bring it up yourself.

Flamingale · 31/07/2017 03:26

Do your parents let anyone else ointo their home? Is your little brother able to have friends around. If he doesn't that can create problems for him later on in life.

I don't know if you have watched any of the programmes on satellite/cable tv about hoarders but a lot of hoarders have had a traumatic incident in their lives or have severe depression. As a result they can't see what is around them and if they do it's too mammoth a problem for them to fix themselves.

You are being a good daughter in trying to open your parents' eyes to the situation they are living in. Persevere with them and let them know that you love them but you want better for them and more importantly for your brother.

SerfTerf · 31/07/2017 03:53

Oh Christ the harsh brigade are out again.

I can quite believe that they're still amazing parents despite having lost the plot on the housekeeping front.

It's amazing how fast a house deteriorates if the mainstay of the household is out of action or depressed (which is probably what this is if it's a new thing - people don't just suddenly give up cleaning if they've done it previously).

They probably do need a jolt though. Don't hold back on showing them you're worried and concerned.

Belladonna123 · 31/07/2017 04:48

What Serfterf said

Your little brother and your parents are really lucky to have you looking out for them.

Fuck all the negative comments

Good luck OP

SerfTerf · 31/07/2017 11:29

Are you okay OP?

Doublegloucester · 31/07/2017 16:55

I was a child with hoarder parents and it would've been great to have someone on my side. It definitely affected my quality of life.

I don't know how would be best to approach it though, I'm afraid!

SleightOfHand · 31/07/2017 17:26

Do you think if you mentioned the fact that it could cause embarrassment to you brother, having friends around etc. Maybe say you can help with the clearing and then suggest a cleaner to come in once a week.

Slimthistime · 31/07/2017 17:47

I don't think there's any easy way to broach it
But I'd talk to your dad first.

LittleWingSoul · 31/07/2017 21:22

Wow, this isn't a parenting issue though is it? If they are hoarders (my parents are) cleaning becomes difficult too. And hoarding is recognised as a clinical mental health disorder (according to the DSM 5) so can we go a little easy on the comments suggesting the OP's parents are inadequate parents?

Me and my siblings (we're adults living out of the family home) have been trying without much success to deal with my parent's hoarding issues unsuccessfully for years. It is Mum more than Dad, and it is very apparent it is directly linked to MH issues, which we are incapable of dealing with (and sadly my Dad is in complete denial about them too) until she herself decides to get help.

I would approach your Dad first, and let him know you are worried about Mum, as the fact the housework is slipping to that degree means there is something else troubling her. Without your Dad - her husband - on board, it will be very difficult to broach this with your mum, and unless you have quite a close relationship with your Mum she will be hurt. Well, this has been mine and my siblings experience so far, I hope your resolution comes easier!

Good luck, OP.

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