I'm useless! Help, domestic goddesses!

[absolutelynot]

I am hopeless, I hate being a housewife/person/whatever I am called these days. Have one for the 6 years I've done it. Floors are never clear, cushions never on the sofa, kitchen sides never squeaky clean and not shit covered. Shoes.always.fucking.everywhere. washing never put away. bedrooms never tidy. WHERE TO START!! I have 6 hours childfree time and need a to do list that a proper grown up has written; not this amateur hopeless feck who will ignore every word I write in favour of binging on Vikings. My mother always says start at the top and work your way down....any other tips???

If you can forgive the Americanisms, 30 days to a clean and organised house worked well for me. Flylady is broadly similar but longer term I think.
Best tip: get 2 carrier bags, and set a 5 minute timer. Start in one room and blast through the house. One bag is rubbish, the other is charity. Don't over think, just fill the bags before the timer goes off. Then immediately dispose of the rubbish and donate the other bag.

I agree with the above. I'm no domestic goddess but I can keep on top of the cleaning because I regularly have a charity and bin clear out.
This makes sure that I have cupboard and closet space free for tidying up the stuff we do want and need.

Buy storage if you need to. Do you have a place for all your shoes?

When you've got rid of all the rubbish, set up a plan and get all the family involved to keep on top of things.

Put some music on and I'd personally start in the kitchen, then the rest of downstairs, then bathroom, then bedrooms.

If floors/surfaces are never clear, shoes are always out and bedrooms are messy - you need a de-clutter (I love the quick blitz carrier bag method suggested above). You can't clean clutter, you will drive yourself mad.

I read a thing on here recently where people used a laundry basket per person, and went round chucking that person's items into the basket, then basket into person's room to be sorted (by DC if old enough). That then gives enough clear space that you can dust and vacuum, and see the difference you've made to your main living space. I am no great lover of cleaning, but I find once I can see one place is clear and shiny, it makes me want to carry on and get more of it looking like that.

So in terms of list for living room:

1. Quick whip round with bags to get rid of rubbish or stuff to donate
2. Chuck obvious stuff belonging to people into their rooms
3. Dust/polish room starting at top like your mum said
4. Vacuum
5. Cup of tea

Kitchen and Bathroom

1. Squirt cleaning stuff into sinks, bath, toilet etc. Leave.
2. Surfaces - put as much away as you can, then wipe.
3. Vacuum floors
4. Go back to sinks etc and clean off products
5. Make cup of tea and place in living room
6. Mop floors (without backing yourself into a corner)
7. Retrieve tea gin

thanks guys! am a lady on a mission tomorrow (getting back from holiday catch up is taking place today, dreaded food shop and unpacking!).

Why not place an online food order?

Also get a shoe box or a pretty box that you store shoes in ikea has plenty of choice

Clear out the clutter

Have a bag in each of the DC wardrobes and each time something doesn't fit them out it straight in the bag once full sell or giveaway

I may late the party here but you could try those over the door hangers with plastic pockets in for the kids rooms to store their shoes and / or small toys.
If you afford it, have a look into ottoman beds. We are getting and planning to store spare bed linens, towels, duvets, pillows etc in it. My friend has one and she said it's an absolute godsend and you will be shocked at how much they store.
Could the kids be given small chores to help out used in line with a reward chart?
Day to day, have a list of the essential things to do, washing up, wiping down sides, putting clothes awa etc and add an extra thing in each day such as hoovering upstairs, dusting, cleaning the bathroom.
In terms of the kids rooms, as long as there is no food festering and you are getting the dirty washing out, close the door on the mess!

this is just what I needed, thank you!

I am such a hoarder, and I find it hard to declutter. But needs must.....

I'm constantly fighting mess in my house, and it annoys me that I spend so long tidying that I rarely get round to any actual cleaning! Anyway my best tip is to bribe children (if old enough obviously) to do some of the easier chores, all of which add up, time wise i.e. Emptying dishwasher, making their bed, clearing table after meal, sorting and putting away clean socks, hoovering, cleaning shoes ( with the easy wipe on stuff). Put a sticker on a chart for each job done, and each sticker = an certain amount of money. Does help if your child desperately wants to save money for something . If they've got tons of Birthday money it probably won't happen.

Konmari method? If you have less stuff then there will be less mess!

Also eveything should have a home, and not just thrown in a cupboard, it should also have a home inside the cupboard.

If everything has a home and you have less stuff you can relax, my house may look superficially messy sometimes but can be tidied in 10 minutes or less so I don't stress. If you're around Sussex I don't mind helping, I love organising and sorting