Feeling guilty about wanting a cleaner and can I ask OH to contribute to paying for it

[Katiashlley]

I'm a first time mum of a 3 year little boy , I work full time as a nurse sometimes over 40 hrs a week 13hr shifts , let's be honest my other half does no house work at all and on my days off I'm too tired I want to play with my son and tbh i just don't want to do all the cleaning and washing and cooking for everyone when oh never returns the favour , the house is OK but sometimes it looks like a Chinese laundrette and I have a walk on closet not walk in closet , it causes strife in our relationship because oh hates mess and I don't feel like I should have to do everything as I also work as many hours as him and don't get home from work most nights till almost ten at night !

I would struggle to pay for it all by myself but if I really wanted it i could either pick up an extra shift which I probably need to do anyway as a nurses basic pay basic pay doesn't cover everything without my OH paying the bills like rent

Also how much would a cleaner cost and how many hours a week would you really need
Living in Faversham Kent xxxxxx

You have a child together, you have seperate money?
If he hates mess he either pulls his weight or contributes to a cleaner. It's not your job to work and do all the grunt work at home.

Believe me the resentment will spread like poison unless you put your foot down now.

Of course he should pay half! Unless he plans on doing the housework himself instead.

Definitely get a cleaner. And definitely get him to pay half.

Also, if he hates mess, maybe he will tidy? In which case, if you're doing stuff, do the things you know he won't do. (I worked out years ago that whereas my dp will absent-mindedly empty the dishwasher, he will NEVER clean the toilet.)

Also, think about getting a robot cleaner. And look into housework/clutter clearing tips to make life easier.

He doesn't get to have high standards while he won't help clean up. Tell him he can do half the housework himself or chip in for the cleaner to lighten the load for both of you.

Do you live together?

Yer we have separate money , it's something a lot of people at my work don't understand , I pay all the child care, council tax, my car and insurance, petrol , credit cards catalog, water rates TV licence, he pays Internet TV, gas electric rent and food plus we share clothes for lo and he and I pay for days out he earns 3 times more than me so that's why I don't pay the rent anymore it started out separate money because he doesn't trust me not to waste money and I don't want to have to justify to him if I want to buy an expensive pair of shoes , which to be honest dosent happen much theses days now I have £260 a month to pay for car and insurance not including petrol and parking and & £360 childcare + more depending on if its weekdays I've worked or extra weekend days .

We have been together long enough to know he just won't do the house ! Or cook am I just being being lazy not wanting to clean up after everyone any more? I see a lot of women in my family managing and having spotless houses , but they only work ten hours a week

Anyone have any ideas how much it would actually cost ? And how many hours a week you would need for a family of 3 , 2 bedrooms 3 bathrooms / an office in would obviously be happy to hover on in between days OH can cook for himself at this point lol !!

We have separate money too And have been married for over 15 years. I only asked if you lived together because I don't understand why all the cleaning and cooking is your responsibility and why you have put up with him being a lazy ass for so long. I would be telling him that he either pulls his weight and splits all households chores 50:50 or he solely pays for a cleaner.

I would suggest that if he does nothing in the house, then his small contribution should be to pay for a cleaner. If you list every thing you do, he should see that paying for a cleaner would just be his share of the chores.

"I would suggest that if he does nothing in the house, then his small contribution should be to pay for a cleaner. If you list every thing you do, he should see that paying for a cleaner would just be his share of the chores"

This. Don't ask him to contribute, offer him the option of doing half the house stuff or paying for a cleaner.

OH hates mess but won't lift a finger? I should think he would gladly contribute towards a cleaner. Be careful how you phrase it. Don't make it sound like you feel guilty for not trying to cope when one healthy otherwise fully functioning adult doesn't pull his weight

Oops pressed Post instead of Preview.
Meant to say
There will still need to be some tidying up before the cleaner arrives or part of the time you pay for will be spent tidying and not cleaning.
I expect prices will vary by area, have you gone onto the Kent section on MN Local and asked?

Him earning more money than you is not a reason to do less housework. If he was working LONGER or HARDER than you, maybe, but if you're a nurse doing the same hours as him he has no argument there.

Cleaning is only half the housework, you also have laundry and cooking and admin, and the cleaner won't come everyday so you've also got the little bits like washing up and picking up toys. If he really doesn't want to do housework, a fair way might be him paying for the cleaner himself (this can be his half) and you doing the labour for the rest of it.

If he doesn't see it: first agree that your jobs are about as hard as each others. Then, assuming you do similar hours, agree that you both work as hard as each other. Then agree that it's therefore fair that the responsibility for housework be evenly split. Then write down a list of everything that needs doing in the house, from daily stuff to monthly stuff. Then give everything a number, based on how often it needs doing, how long it takes and how rubbish it is. Agree on all these values. Then randomly assign these jobs between the two of you, so you each get the same number total. You may need to swap a few times to get an even split or may want to swap certain jobs. Then explain to your husband that this is a fair division of labour, but he can cut down his list by purchasing a cleaner. If he wants this, jig the two lists around so he has all the tasks a cleaner would do (vacuuming, bathrooms, mopping), and you have the tasks a cleaner wouldn't do (cooking, washing up, laundry). Agree between the two of you that it's still a fair split. He can then make the decision to pay a cleaner to do his list for him.

Either way, don't pay for a cleaner if you'll still be doing the rest of the housework.

He earns three times what you do, but you pay all the childcare?!
"Darling, I know how you hate housework. If you get a cleaner then we can just split the rest- how about you cook and I do the laundry?"
I'd go on strike if I were you. He owes you several years of chores- him paying for a cleaner is just scratching the surface!

Re costs- I'd assume £10 per hour or a little less, and he'd need to book someone for about three hours.

thank you very much GrubbyWindows xxxxx

£10 per hour, an hour and a half minimum a week is what I think it would cost in your area.

Depending on the size of your home for how long you need? My cleaner does 90 minutes a week and I do all the washing/ washing up during the week to keep the house straight. I tidy up before the cleaner comes to make it quicker for her and it's the best money I spend.

I don't understand how people can keep their finances separate when they are a family unit. You both throw what you're able to earn into the pot, the pot pays for the cleaner.

Urgh I couldnt live with a man like this.