Clutter & chaos is spoiling my family life - any advice please

[Jemster]

I feel like my life is out of control due to the chaos & clutter in our home. It 's starting to affect my mood now as I feel like when I'm not at work all I do is tidy up, move things around & moan at everyone else for leaving a trail of destruction behind them. I am tired, grumpy & miserable! I've spent the whole weekend trying to get on top of things including a stack of admin & finances that I never seem to have time for.

My dc's are 8 & 3 and don't have a clue about keeping things tidy which of course they have probably learnt from me. DH is very good at keeping the kitchen clean & tidy & doing washing/ironing but even then there is a constant mountain of it pouring out of the laundry basket. It just never seems to go down! He is not keen on DIY so if things need fixing they often stay that way for ages which doesn't help.

Me & DH decide over Christmas that we need some house rules to help us get things in order & to get them to respect their things & our home more.
First though I think we need to sort things out so there is some kind of organisation but I don't know where to start. I usually start one thing & then I get distracted by another area or go off somewhere and never finish what I started! If I'm not at work I'm looking after a very demanding 3 year old so it's impossible to get much done.

We often end up buying things we already have as we can't find them so we're wasting money too. We have had arguments about where things are that we can't find and we are often late for things because of this.

I have bought several books on decluttering but never get a chance to read them so now they just add to the clutter!

I really want to sort this out but it doesn't come naturally to me so I wondered if anyone could give me some advice please? Our home doesn't feel very happy right now so I'd appreciate any suggestions.

LovelyFriend - a great idea about the gift wrap.
The main parts of my house are clear and sorted but stationery, gift wrap etc is still a problem

I'm joining in too OP, I like her philosophy but it won't be 'over night'. I'm going to read the whole book (which I never do) as I'm finding you sort of need to see the end game!

Like the idea of FB group!

Ha-ha ha-harrrrrr

I agree, the most inspiring lightbulb moment of MK's book is the bit about thanking items for their service so that you can let them go.

In the case of clothing, it might be that this particular jumper's purpose in your life was to teach you that a certain colour doesn't suit you (or in my case, to teach you not to buy jumpers online because you can't feel how soft or scratchy they are!) so you don't hang onto it in the hope that you will one day change your mind about it.

You say "thank you for teaching me that eBay is not the ideal place for someone like me to buy clothes" and you send it off for someone else with less sensitive skin or a different complexion to try.

Paperwork wise I have.....

• One box with drives licence, uptodate bills, mortgage info etc. I just shove it in randomly but keep it minimal. It's shoved under my bed and gathers dust.

• Art work is displayed on the fridge. Afterwards special items are moved into a folder. Each child has their own large A3 folder off amazon. The rest is recycled.

I then have 3 magazine holders for paperwork that needs to be more accessible on a daily basis. One for ongoing stuff, one for the kids on going stuff, one for DHs ongoing stuff.

You need to have a massive chuck out first. You can sell items through NCT sales or facebook, give to charity shops/friends, bin rubbish things. The storage issue Can only be talked properly once you've declutter end thoroughly.

You need to just get rid of the bad fashion buys, the joy was in the purchase and not the wearing. By hanging on to the items, you won't be recovering any of the money.

Declutter your sons room with him.

Sooooosie I like your idea of the 3 magazine holders, especially as DH needs somewhere to put his paperwork (never to be looked at again!). Whereabouts do you keep them in your house?

It's so true that the money is already wasted, so holding on to the stuff is pointless if you're not using it.

Donate it to the charity shop, then other people can enjoy the clothes or books or whatever, instead of it languishing unused.

So I've started reading the Kondo book & am liking it but I haven't seen a bit yet on how to deal with toys, games, puzzles. This is what is currently causing most of our mess.
If I sort things in the order she suggets ie clothes first, I'll never get to sorting out all this mess!
I understand also what people have said about not buying storage until I have chucked everything but that's going to take time as I hardly get any time alone to do it so what to do in the meantime? I can't bear living like this, I feel like I'm constantly trying to catch up & I never can.

I think toys are hard to sort when your dc are right there. Where are these toys now and how are they stored at the moment?

Homebase leave all their empty cardboard boxes near the exit and encourage people to take them. Grab a few, and a roll of parcel tape.

Buy a marker pen and sort things into 3 boxes:
chuck, donate, keep.
Label each box.

Once you have filled each box, deal with the contents.
You might only manage to do the process a couple of times a week, but you will make progress and you won't have spent money on storage boxes.

I am on my second week and have done the process 3 times.

I have the whole house to do, but at least I now have a system.

We have a mid height bookshelf in the living room. Bottom shelf has 4 plastic storage boxes with lids, 2 have duplo in, 1 toy cars, 1 dolls stuff. Middle shelf has games & puzzles. Top shelf is books & an annoyingly big plastic box with homework & school bits, pencils, ruler etc. There is no room for my anything of mine!

Then also in living room we have a toy kitchen & all that goes with it, dolls buggy, toy shopping trolley & basket full of random things.

Things that have no home & so end up strewn across meal table are colouring books, paper & pens, sticker books etc.

Cupboard understairs has loads of stuff literally shoved in including some toys & boxes with paints, arts & crafts stuff which hardly gets used as I can't face the mess! Luckily dd does lots of this at pre-school but I do feel guilty not doing any at home with her.

Dd's (3) bedroom is small but has one 4 cube expedit unit which holds books, more puzzles & rest of her toys. Dressing up stuff in bottom drawer of wardrobe. Cuddly toys & various dolls all over the room.

Ds (8) has large floor to ceiling bookcase rammed with games, puzzles, magic sets, books & dvds. Always looks messy. Two plastic boxes with random toys hardly ever played with now he has an xbox. Big plastic box of lego some not even opened. Various things on the floor. Shelf full of cuddlies, pile of books by bed.

Ds's room is also used by dh for clothes & tends to be the clean laundry sorting room. It's a mess but really not all his fault as it just seems to be used as a dumping ground.

I just don't know what to do with it all. If only we had a playroom but that's not an option.

3littlefrogs that is a good idea thank you. Are you doing this just for toys or for anything & everything?
I am quite good at having a charity bag on the go until dc find it & start taking stuff out!!

Anything and everything.

We have had massive changes in terms of retirement, DC growing up - off to university then coming back again with all their junk, we did have an elderly relative living with us who sadly passed away, so I am overhauling and rearranging everything.

Today it is mainly books and bedding. (2 different rooms) I have also shampooed a carpet en route. I keep sitting down for a little rest every half hour or so. I will do a run to the charity shop before 5pm and go to the tip on my day off next week. (Weekends are horrendous at the local tip - everyone else in the world is there).

Lakeland vaccuum storage bags are great for bedding and pillows.

30 years ago I worked out that I could put pillows and duvets into black bin liners, vacuum the air out and wrap parcel tape round the bag to stop the air getting in again. I wish I had looked into developing the idea - I could have made a fortune.

There is a thread at the moment Decluttering Accountability Buddies. It is helping me to stay focused.

My tip is start really small, just one shelf. Store a third, bin or charity shop a third and replace a third.

Tiny steps every day is working for me. Today I did photos. That is quite hard as the temptation is to ooh and aah over them. But I was quite ruthless. Views of places I can't remember, duplicates and poor quality ones also went.

I managed to clear quite a large shelf, and got the, Rest into a box a third of the size.

Now eating chocolate cake as a reward.

We sorted the soft toys and vacuum packed most of them. The rest lived in a dog basket (from a charity shop) in a corner on the floor. Dolls sat on a shelf.
I had stacking boxes and under-bed storage boxes on wheels for toys.

We stopped buying "things" for Christmas and birthdays years ago and started using the money for experiences instead. Creating memories is much more important than filling your house up with stuff.

3littlefrogs was just re-reading your last post about having less for Christmas & having experiences instead.
I have just been trying to find a home for 5 boxes of bath smellies I was given for Christmas! I just haven't got room for it all!
I feel like as soon as I get rid of one bag of stuff, the space gets filled with more stuff.
Still trying to figure out how to store all dc's things. DS seems so uninterested in most of it I'm tempted to take a day off work & just chuck most of it out. Then of course he would hate me!

There will be lots of local charities looking for donations for raffles.
Think about your local hospice, brownies, scouts, play groups etc.
School fetes need prizes and donations.

I volunteer for a couple of groups and we always need donations.

What about your local womens aid? Or food bank? They need toiletries and toys.

I think you'd be surprised if you asked the DC what they don't want anymore. Mine were surprisingly ruthless before xmas and chucked lots of outgrown toys and cuddlies. There were a few toys I thought they might change their mind about so I kept them to one side and some were reclaimed, the others chucked.

DC artwork - each of them has a shallow drawer which they can store drawings (as well as those on display). Once it's full they go through it and decide what they want to keep and what they want to chuck.

Keep chipping away at it and eventually you'll get there. My weakness is clothes - I find it very hard to be as ruthless as I need to be so I am having a clear out every six months, where a bit more goes each time. It also reminds me what I have. But other stuff I find easier to clear out and try and do a drawer or cupboard every week.

I put a lot of things on Freecycle - it saves me a trip to the charity shop drop-off. In my area the convention is to leave it on one's doorstep so I don't even have to make appointments with the takers or interrupt myself to see them, once a transaction is agreed-upon.

Can your kids "sell" their toys to you - i.e. give them a small amount for every item they agree to chuck/donate? Or, x amount for every boxload that goes to charity - they can use the money to be taken to cinema or dining out or whatever, but not for more stuff? Just a thought. Might motivate them to be more ruthless.

OP, I've not RTFT,but I really recommend you join Flylady. the difference between her and most declutter authors is she started out living in a tip for years, whereas many of the declutter nuts are born organised.

Flylady would say jump in wher eyou are. It didn't get messy in a day and you can't tidy it in a day. Do what you can.

Every day do a 27 Thing Fling. Pick a shelf or a drawer or a room and chuck out 27 things from it. keep moving until 27 things are in the rubbish bag then knot it and stick it in the wheelie bin.

you can do a 27 thing declutter too. take 27 things to give to charity. Work quickly: toys they don't play with, clothes that are too small for them, books they've read that aren't favourites. As soon as you reach 27, knot the bag and put it in the car boot for dropping at the charity shop next time you're in town.

Just start with that. Do it every day for a week.

Another thing I do is create tidy zones: small corners of a room that I keep clear and organised at all times. It's just calming to see a clear mantelpiece with one vase of flowers on it, or one candle and a framed picture on a small table.

Encourage DC to do the same. Chuck out 27 things or tidy away 27 toys/books/pieces of dirty laundry. Let them stop at 27, no matter how untidy the rest of the room is, but just do 27 the next day. Soon-ish they'll find there's never that much to put away and it's done in 5 mins.

Jemster, I swear I ditch about 10% of presents within days. They just go straight back out the door to charity. Having so much excess means we can be generous to others in this way. It isn't ungrateful. Obviously you have to tell a little white lie (Oh, I used all that lovely body lotion up already, Auntie Jane) but that is fine.

I think I'd gather together all the arts and crafts and colouring stuff together to survey what we had. Cull what we had and then buy a plastic set of drawers on wheels that can be stored under the stairs and brought out when wanted. (If it doesn't all fit into the drawers when I'd got it I would cull further.) Consider that an easy one and will give you some places downstairs that are clear.

• Think I would accept things like kitchen and dolls are there for a bit longer and just designate a place for them and make sure it's only the doll stuff. (I was so pleased when our dc grew out of the kitchen and it could go even if they did have lots of fun with it at the time.) -

Would then tackle your dh's stuff in your ds's room clearing it all out / finding room for it in your room where it belongs. I'm guessing that involves a big sort through of all your stuff. Then I think that would give you the impetus to sort out the dc's rooms. - I really try and return things to the room of the person they belong to nowadays. Dd had taken to occupying the landing with her overflow (youngest so lots of toys etc still) and it's taken the last year to get her to retreat back into her room. She loves how organised her room is and is very particular about maintaining the order! I've found once the worst areas are tackled it boosts you up to keep tweaking / improving. FWIW 2 of my dc are in box rooms. I make maximum use of the space under the bed. (One has a high sleeper.) The other long wall is filled with storage in both rooms. Eldest has currently filled the window with books (three rows all stacked on top of each other but doesn't want to get rid of any more books at the moment - go through them every 6 months or so) so I've bought all the stuff to put up a high level bookshelf along the side of his bed. Dd's windowsill also full of "big" toys (cot, dolls house, pony palace .... that won't fit on our shelves / in our cupboards / under the bed) but I know that in a few years time she'll have lost interest in them and they'll be gone.

I find that ebaying stuff is a powerful motivator for getting rid of things.

Anything sells, seriously.

Also, just try to sort out a few things a day - it will make a difference.