Bad - very bad - housekeeping!

[Spocksmum]

Where do you start if everywhere you look there's just dirt and dust and clutter and even the threads on Flylady and The Magic of... feel distant from where you're at because your home is just a complete and utter tip?

It's got to be over a year since I dusted some areas of the house and when I do get time to do a bit, it's so disgusting and depressing, I feel overwhelmed.

I never get time to do more than 5 minutes here or there and can't afford a cleaner and those few minutes make no difference at all it seems. There are areas of the house with carrier bags and storage boxes full of 'stuff' to file or throw away. I can't use the kitchen work surfaces because of other piles of stuff that haven't yet gone into carrier bags or boxes to sort out - one day.

That 'one day' never arrives. I'm usually working or doing essential daily tasks to support DCs. I'm only on MN now because I'm off work sick with a flu like virus and feeling unable to do a thing but totally depressed by the chaos around me.

It would literally take me three days to tackle even one room. I know this because the last time I had a really good go at the main room DCs use, was only because they were away on a rare school trip and I took time off work to deep clean. It's amazing how little seemed to get done even working flat out for each of those three days and that room has now not been dusted for a year or more.

Can anyone else identify with this and anyone managed to drag their house back into order and cleanliness? I feel like I'd need to take a year off work and ONLY tidy, declutter and clean, to get it anywhere near acceptable!

hi op, so much good advice for you on this thread, and for me! my house has been on the way to being like yours, even though my kids have no sn. It is, for the most part, very messy, but yesterday I was able to spend most of the day tidying (two older ones spent most of the day playing minecraft, which I am determined not to feel guilty about because they now have clean clothes sorted out and put away/beds changed/ a relatively tidy kitchen/ happy non-shouty mum) and it's made a difference to my motivation to get more done.
But the only reason I could do that was because I got some time. yes, you need to change habits, but it will also take time to put right what's gone wrong. since you feel you have no time at the minute, you need to sort out something.
working full time makes it very hard to keep on top of the housework, I know. can you use up a days leave to make a start on a room? I also agree with the poster who said you're trying to do 10 things at once. This is something I'm trying to address myself; for example, I nominate a time to check emails and answer them, rather than interrupting what I'm doing. I have my phone set up so that it doesn't notify me when an email comes in.
I'm also trying to change the dcs habits: they've seen that both me and dh have a tendency to set stuff down on the closest available surface, so they often do the same. can you, for example, start with a system for clothes, or even just socks?! That way, you can say 'that doesn't belong there' when something is put in the wrong place (admittedly, only when you see it happening.) and get them to put it in the right place? I do think you need strategies to help get them on board, and I'm sure you'd get good advice on the can board. The senco at their school would also be able to give some advice, since i assume they would know your dcs and you would be helping with their organisational skills in general. I can't tell from your posts if your dcs will be expected to live independently in the future, but if so, they'll have to develop these skills.
I do feel for you, I know how overwhelming it can feel when you don't have a single room in the house that feels comfortably tidy. It was affecting my mental health recently, so I had to do something about it. my house is still a total tip by other people's standards, but now I feel like I'm getting there.

apologies, that's ridiculously long!

Op it does sound hard and I do sympathise BUT if you are a lone parent, no one else (unless it becomes a health hazard and perhaps the council or social services get involved) no body is going to come and do this for you and your children will not learn either.

get bin bags, walk into your kitchen and throw the crap away. You don't have time to clean in a whole year and yet you plan on mending socks?

Get a box and write POST on it. As you go round the house and you find important paper put it in that box. You need to get a handle on the basics, like having a clear work top and bins regularly emptied then I promise you it WILL feel easier.

do you ever have friends round??

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread - can't get second page to load.

OP there is a website called 'Stepping out of Squalor' which has a very helpful forum. I'm not saying you live in squalor of course! But the people posting there are often overwhelmed by the state of their house, due to mental or physical illness, or needs of other family members (illness, SN etc). They have some great techniques, including setting a timer for a 15 minute blitz, having designated places for everything (one place for washing, one place for loose change, and so on) and many other things.

To me it sounds like you are actually a perfectionist, and that is getting in the way of you getting started. You don't see the point in dealing with the situation unless you do it all in one glorious blitz - but maybe the time has come to face facts that that day may never come, and that tiny steps forward are better than none.

Another thing (again linked to perfectionism?) is all the recycling, filing etc etc. I'd give yourself amnesty to just CHUCK. just this once, don't worry about recycling properly or ebaying or whatever. Just bin or charity. You don't need an elaborate filing system either, just a large enough box to put all the paperwork together in, and work through at your leisure.

Op what do you do on Saturdays and Sundays ? Could you not have a bit of a blitz for a few weekend.
I do a mini tidy every morning in the kitchen before I leave the house and I get up 10 mins earlier in the morning to do a laundry load.
Give your kids a large bin bag each and get them to fill it from their bedrooms.
It is hard working ft and having teenagers but you really need to make a little time for yourself.
I second not checking your work emails . Pick a time in the eve and do it then , maybe at 9pm and make it a time you can sit with a cup of tea. Buy a couple of plastic baskets and label one for each room or person. Anything you come across for that person or room put it in and then say at 7pm that day bring if to that room and put it away. If your going to the bathroom o your bedroom during the day take something from your kitchen work top and put it away in bathroom or bedroom .

Hello spocksmum!

I'd definitely second getting rid of things. It is much easier to tidy and clean when you have fewer things in the way.

I would also agree with the idea of concentrating on one thing at a time.

When you are doing a microwave meal, for example, I would:

• collect small change from the work top and put it straight into your purse

• collect paper recycling next and take it straight out to the bins

Then that is two things which are dealt with, IYSWIM?

Also, sometimes sorting by category like this makes it easier to focus - you don't get overwhelmed by having to make decisions over everything; you just need to find all the coins.

Back later...

Many thanks again everyone. Got really nasty flu now plus an eye infection - so won't reply at length but you're all being v helpful. I think i just have to plug away at doing bits and not feel everything is hopeless.

In answer to several different people's questions (hope I remember right): I mend socks - as in expensive thick woolly clipper like socks whilst waiting in the car for Dcs to come out of school. This is a goo use of that time and little by little I'm salvaging several pairs that would otherwise be wasted and there's nothing much esle I could do in that time.

I work 5.5 days a week, including Saturday mornings usually and also most evenings - with a break for the school run before returning to work (I'm self-employed). So I rush into make Sat lunch for DCs after work and then by the afternoon, need to do supermarket shop and laundry and then am exhausted later on. Sunday is the day I mainly do laundry and cook a better meal for DCs and spend a bit of proper time with them. Instead, I could do housework but would then forfeit the little time I get with them.

Today I'm really ill - dragging myself around - but have already been up since 5.50am to give one DC prophylcatic meds for migraine that he needs at a certain time in the morning otherwise it's too late to stop one coming on. He regularly wakes anyway at 5.30am. I've put on 2 loads of laundry and hung out one on the line to dry. I've made 3 different breakfasts for all our different tastes and got clothes for the day for each DC and helpfed them with acne treatment, fed cats, cleaned litter tray, put out some rubbish in bins, done a few work emails and started restacking dishwasher as one DC did at least unstakc everything from it and out it away.

Other DC wants me to sit with him whilst he reads - which is absolutely fantastic as he hasn't read a book for years now but is getting into this again and it'll take him away from screens. He's already been on PC since 7am. I plan to do more mending whilst being with him but I'll also shortly have to start making lunch so won't have a big block of time.

However, what I have NOT done today - mainly cos I'm feeling so ill anyway - is vacuum anywhere, clean the shower room that hasn't been done for weeks and weeks, put away laundry from last 5 washes, dust anywhere, tidy anywhere, start clearing kitchen surfaces, vacuum and then wash kitchen floor (not been done for months and months), clear and clean rest of kitchen (that would be a five day job I think!), sort boxes of old paperwork in office/spare bedroom, hang up worn but not yet needing to be washed clothes, replaced tablecloth with clean one and removed masses of DCs school books from there in order to do so....

I won't go on as there's so much more undone than done! Pre-children, I'd be able to spend the rest of this entire day (if I weren't also ill too), just doing lots of the above but I keep having to balance the DCs needs with the need to keep on top of domestic tasks and am always pulled between these. Since DCs were born, I never get a clear run of time to complete anything and I think I do find this difficult.

Whoever said above about me being a perfectionist - you're right. I hate starting a task and then not being able to finish it and being pulled away to something else and then not having any time to go back to the original task for several days or even weeks and months.

If you work 5.5 days a week plus evenings and are a single parent to teens with sn then it is a no-brainer that you cannot keep on top of housework.

Can you employ someone for a few hours a week to do admin for your business?

Can you afford a cleaner? Please don't use the excuse that it's too stressful. You need someone to do the vacuuming and clean the shower room. How about two hours once a fortnight? that would be a start.

I feel sorry for you op but you are asking Mumsnet for the impossible!

Also, as you are self employed do you fall in to the self employed trap of never taking days off?

People in regular jobs are usually entitled to 20 - 30 days holiday per year and they won't be using all of those for lying in the sun.

Can you give yourself 1 or 2 days - or mornings even - off per month?

Spocksmum - I suffer from migraines with the attendant vomiting and have several different types of medication to cope with it.

Could your dcs get some (more/different) medication from the GP to help with their migraines?

I've been completely overwhelmed by my place and have turned things around. I was no where near as stretched as you are OP, but here are my thoughts on this.

You have high expectations of yourself but little time to do anything. So all the undone chores become sticks to beat yourself with. This adds to your burden.

You are exhausted and tired which is not surprising.

You have way too much stuff - this is evidenced by the piles of stuff on top of each other. You will no doubt have doubles/triples of things as you buy again when you can't find what you want/need. I think accepting you have way too much stuff is the key here.

What are all these papers you need to file? Switch all your bills to online/paperless. Bank statements too. The as post comes in, read it and put it in the recycling (I take the address details off to shred). File only the very essential and if you insist on keeping copies of bills, keep only a years worth max.

Your teens need to contribute A LOT more - with what they can cope with, but you do need to push them. It will be easier for them to engage once the place is sorted out.

You need help or time = preferably both. It will be hard and lots of work but I promise you your energy will soar after doing this. I think you need a week off work to give this a big push.

Start with the kitchen = it is the energy center of the home & getting it sorted will have a knock on effect. If you accept you have too much stuff, so much will be thown away it won;t be a 5 day job. It would be if you keep everything, but this isn;t the answer to your problem. What you decide to keep will be comparatively easy to keep clean and tidy.

Decide what you need to KEEP - because you LOVE IT (truly), NEED IT (as in really really need it and nothing else can do the job) or USE IT. Keep essential kit only. Throw out everything that is past it's use by or best before. Be ruthless, really really really ruthless. remember your objective isn;t to keep every spice known to man (threw out 3 supermarket bags of spices - found it really hard, but it hasn't actually affected me at all, cause as I couldnt locate spices when I wanted to use them I usually just brought more anyway), but to restore your kitchen to being a workable, functioning pleasant place. This will not be possible if you think you have to keep everything. Also throwing stuff out is actually quite easy and once you get going it's fast.

Re crockery etc, think minimally. Keep what you Need, Use, Love but only that. You only need one garlic crusher, grater, lemon squeezer etc. Stick to the basics - if you've brought novelty things over the years you don't use, get rid. You cupboards will feel empty - but this is good. You will be able to see all your stuff, and you will use them more. Because you will be able to see them, find them.

Remember all the while that what you value about everything is space - clear space. You really won't miss anything you have discarded or donated. I promise.

Be ruthless. Be fierce. Think of clean clear spaces.

Have a space for everything - why cleaning products everywhere. keep minimal stuff - surface cleaner, bleach, etc and keep under the sink. You don't meed a million cleaners, you need a couple of all purpose products that work well and some gloves and microfiber cloths.

If you are buying food you can't put away do you need it? Are you buying too much there too?

Once you have kitchen sorted, and cleaned, keep surfaces clear. Only absolute necessities on the counter. Your goal each day is to get back to this "ground zero".

Keep things in their place - if you mend socks in the car why are they in the kitchen? Keep them in a bag in the car.

Getting your kitchen down will energise you. Then you will start to look at other places with a fierce and energised eye.

It does sound as if you have too much overall. It is all too easy and a common situation to be in. You need to minimise everything - get down to the bare basics. The less there is in the house, the less there is to use, to clean to store and to make a mess with.

It is really easy to be attached or overly connected with this mess/stuff. But I promise you once you find a way to break through, then you will find a way to
do this. It will be hard but it can be done. And you will feel better afterwards.

Only you can take the time off to do this.

If you can't then I would suggest taking those small moments and using them to fill bags for rubbish/recycling/charity. Leave the cleaning for down - do that once you've got rind of all the life clutter.

If you get slowed down by thoughts of It's a waste/I should ebay or car boot these items/I will give these to XYZ, then you are losing sight of your goal which is to GET STUFF OUT AND FAST and CLEAR SPACE. It's an emergency situation - stay focused and you will make progress.

Hugs and hope you are feeling better soon.

gosh that was long and a bit bossy. It hope you can see it was well intended.

a great device for when you feel overwhelmed is to use a time. THis method proves to you just how much you can get done is a short space of time. And you can challenge your DC to do it too.

So set a time on your phone for say 20 minutes, and devote that 20 minutes to throwing stuff away/putting stuff away. attack a cupboard, a bench, a space in that time and just go for it for 20 minutes.

You will be astonished what you can get done in 20 minutes.

OP my sil is in a similar situation to you and she has done some of the above recommendations. The main ones are;

1. Going paperless wherever she can.
2. Bin emptying every night.
3. Flylady style sink shining every night.
4. When doing "waiting" tasks eg waiting for kettle to boil, waiting for microwave to defrost, waiting.... She cleans the counter surfaces.
5. Baskets labelled for everything; kids stuff, her stuff, post, filing (important only).
6. Box files for each member of the family with their important documents in the same place (kitchen corner cupboard as she has mobility issues).

Honey, with 5 lots of clothes to be put away, 2 lots washed on Sunday & clothes worn but not enough to be washed... do you think you all have too many clothes?

Some of washing is probably towels/bedding, but even so, less clothes = less to put away = more space so easier to put away, = more time to do it all.

Fair enough about sock mending in the car, and if you enjoy it fine (and kudos to you for being able to darn! I once tried to mend a pair of socks and ended up with a blister-inducing ridge), if not could this be a time to check emails?

Please don't be defensive, it all sounds horribly hard for you, but it sounds like you need help, or that something has to give somewhere. Hope you feel better soon.

My best advice is: go around and throw most of it all away.

That's how lots of people mange because they keep their stuff to a regular level.

Don't tackle the cleaning at the minute.

Just throw, throw, throw it all away.

Nobody can clean with piles of stuff!

There doesn't have to be any order to this throwing away. Just get a bag and start filling it. Once you can't be bothered just stop.

You will soon see the sense in this approach.

Hth

OP - just wondering how you are feeling now and how things are going?

Agree with everyone that yu need to just get rid of stuff. But would also suggest doing your supermarket shop on line and having it delivered. That would save your Saturday afternoons.

How many socks need darning?? And why? Socks only get holes in them here if they are on last legs in which case they get binned as life is too short!

What time do you get up in the mornings? Could you get up 20 mins earlier? Or 30 mins?

You are not going to get it all done but start with the obvious. Take the recycling out and empty the bin on the first morning. Next morning pick up a rubbish bag and get rid of obvious rubbish. Etc. just plug away for 20 mins a day. If you can get 20 mins at the end of the day as well it would help.

Another tip I read somewhere is to get rid of ten things every day.

I just discovered a whole lot of mould :(

I understand how you feel. Could you sit down and make a plan of what days you do what and when - I find this helps me and spend more time in other rooms than just the 'kitchen'.
Having RA makes housework complicated and overwhelming too, some days I have to just put the radio on and get stuck in or it is easy to sink into depression with the mess.