Living with a hoarder

[CaptainSparklePants]

So I've been fed up with the clutter in mine and dp's house for quite a while and I'm now feeling motivated to do something about it. I've read some threads on here that have been inspiring and very motivating (particularly the one about the art of tidying book), and I think I'm ready to go for it and start de-cluttering.

However... My dp has hoarding tendencies. He's nowhere near anything you'd see on tv, but there's a lot of keeping things "just in case" or because of the emotional attachments. I sympathise with him as I have similar feelings, but for me the want for space is now tipping the balance, and I'm more ruthless with getting rid.

We had a discussion tonight that I kept lighthearted, where I approached the problem from a practical point of view. The reason we're messy is because nothing has a proper home and therefore nothing gets put away. He agreed that it would make it easier if we sorted it all, and that we have a lot of stuff which makes the task a bit more daunting.

But what to do now? I can see our chat being just that, and me still frustrated in 6 months/a year. How do I motivate him to start? How do I help him re the emotional attachments?

I'm reluctant to let him put junk in boxes as we did that we moved 2 years ago and we still have the unpacked boxes

Has anyone dealt with a similar situation?

Thanks

I have the same problem. Exactly the same problem.

Watching with interest. And sympathy.

This maybe a totally inappropriate suggestion as I'm aware that hoarding is a hugely complex and distressing problem and it's alway easier said than done...

But what would happen if you started by getting rid of those unopened boxes? Neither of you have needed them for two years anyway

I do realise that's totally simplistic and not the final solution, just wondering what the thought processes would be if you suggested it to him

Well, I suspect I would probably get the standard hoarder excuses: "oh but there may be something useful in there" that sort of thing. And then I reckon we'd argue, and then he'd grump Tbh the thought of just binning an unopened box fill me with fear, so he has my sympathies, but still...

I'm wondering now if I let him sort through everything and make a box to keep for 3 months at which point he'll go through it again. I wonder if it would show him that he can function without everything he thinks he needs.

The other issue is that we don't drive, so on top of sorting out we then have to walk 10 mins to the charity shop, which isn't bad, but you can see how the whole idea is very off putting for him!

We've moved to a slightly smaller house and he's been forced to clear stuff out. It was really tough when packing up and we did have a few arguments, but I just kept explaining how stressful it was living with lots of crap and he eventually came round. I did spend a few weeks feeling like his counsellor, but it was worth it and he has changed quite a bit now and can see the virtues of living with stuff you really need that's properly sorted through and stored neatly.

No practical help but a few of our local charity shops collect.

I'm not bad enough to label as a hoarder, but if you threw out a box of my stuff, just because I hadn't 'needed' any of it in the past couple of years I would be very annoyed!

How about going through things, one at a time, and getting him to agree to a 'triage' system? So, he has to pick out a third of it to get rid of, a third of it to tuck away again, and a third of it to come back to in 3 months time?

Not just boxes, but cupboards and drawers that contain assorted 'stuff' as well.

I reckon it's ok to keep some things because of emotional attachments, but not so much to keep things 'in case they are useful' - there is a cost involved in storing them, which is probably more than the potential cost of having to go out and buy one if it turned out you did need it after all.

I wish I knew. Dh and I have the same discussion/argument time after time. Usually ends with him storming off and me in tears. Apparently its my fault that he doesn't have time to do it.
I end up getting rid of my stuff and feel resentful because he not only won't de-clutter but brings more stuff in. And every book, dvd, board game, model is kept for ever as it is a collectors item...

Thanks for the replies

hiddenhome, I think that I'm going to end up doing what you did, just keep mentioning how much the mess and clutter stresses us out etc etc and hope that it works.

I (we?) made small progress this evening. I blitzed through some shelves we have of toiletries and other odd bits, and binned maybe more than a third, have kept another third to give to the charity shop and have a small third left. As it isn't my job nor place to sort my dp's stuff I asked him to do his and after some persuasion he has kept maybe a third of his stuff too! He did moan at me a bit, but all seems to have been forgotten, and we now have 1 empty shelf and 3 tidy, less full shelves

I asked why he can't throw stuff away, and he said he didn't know. He also said that to him, donating to charity and binning/recycling stuff are the same thing, it's still really hard for him to do. For me I feel much more comfortable donating as I hate knowing all my stuff is just filling landfill sites.

I'm hoping it will get easier for both of us as we make progress and can see what it'll be like once we're done.

AMum I think your 'triage' system sounds like it might work. It's a compromise and means he'll actually sort through the junk.

starfish your situation sounds familiar. I've made my views on him buying more stuff very clear, and he keeps it to a minimum, but when I've taken a good third of my wardrobe to the charity shop and his is still bursting at the seams with clothes he never wear I do feel a bit

I think the key will be me keeping us both motivated, and applying pressure to him to keep going!

If he really struggles with getting rid of stuff, it might help to encourage him to think through why that is.

Did his parents keep everything 'just in case'?
Or did they throw out his things without checking? (My mum still remembers her mother giving one of her toys to a neighbour's child)

Was money short when he was growing up? My Dh will keep things because he grew up in a household where you kept using it till it fell apart, even though we can now afford to buy replacements as soon as we feel like it. So now we have the old one and the new one... (And I struggle to throw things out if they're still useful too - I'm currently very determinedly still using my old frying pan despite the new one in the cupboard. I'm hoping it will wear out a bit further and then I can bin it without feeling 'wasteful')

I think a mix of understanding why he feels that way, and a determination to make the effort anyway, can improve things, though never to the point of a minimalist showhome!

Yes, just keep at it.

I took dh to Ikea. They sell really sturdy, see through plastic storage boxes which aren't expensive. Dh bought a good selection of these and can see what's in the boxes now. They also stack nicely. If stuff is stored tidily and you can see what's in the boxes without having to open and rake through them, it does help enormously.

two-thirds clutter reduction is not small progress!!

I found that three house moves in two years, with storage in between did the trick.

I will try to ask him more about why he wants to keep stuff. To my knowledge his family never struggled, and in actually fact they are very similar to him I think. They all seem to have "collecting" tendencies. So my dp "collects" series of dvds, that we are yet to watch, and if I buy a book in a series I am asked if I want the rest of the series (which is nice, but I know that it's the urge to complete the set rather than just the sole generosity of a gift!).

In my uneducated opinion I think that hoarding must somehow related to seeking perfection, but knowing you can't achieve it so giving up. Sort of all or nothing. In fact a couple of months ago my dp sorted my drawers for me, and rolled all my t-shirts and organised them back into the drawers! But he still can't declutter.

I'm reluctant to buy boxes to store bits and bobs as he'll then just never look at it again! Plus I reckon we have enough plastic crates for us to get rid of some bits and keep others in the crates. We also have almost no storage space so only have space to hide a few boxes.

special two-thirds does sound impressive, but most of it was mine on the shelves to begin with!

Three house moves in two years!! That actually makes me feel ill. When we moved a couple of years ago, it was horrific. The realisation that we had not just so much stuff, but so much stuff that we don't need!! Loads of just 'bits and shits'. And of course my dp was so unwilling to get rid of anything so we argued a lot. It took about 3-4 weeks after we moved for me to actually be able to look at him without getting the RAGE!!

For me it's really helping being on here, and lurking on some of the other hoarder/decluttering/tidying threads. Knowing I'm not the only person who's so ashamed of my house, and that others are managing to plough through is encouraging so thanks for all the comments

You may this useful [www.helpforhoarders.co.uk]

Sorry I don't think my link worked but you should be able to google it.

I have read that taking a photo of things you are hanging onto for emotional reasons can help with resolving to get rid of it afterwards.

If you could get him to agree that you need to de clutter could you encourage him to bin/recycle/donate 5 items every day.

Little and often hopefully avoid arguments, and forces him to 'see' the clutter.

If you're willing to facilitate, could you set up the triage system in 3 boxes plus one for sorting. Just go round the house tipping drawers etc into the box, and he sorts in front of the TV or something?

Guess what. Two weeks ago i sorted dh's christmas presents from last year. He has not bothered looking through them despite me asking so i could sort out the spare room was tempted to wrap them up for this year to see if he would remember. I was so angry sent him a message saying did his mum pick up everything for him.

OP, do you think you could sort and organise one room - even if it means moving stuff to a different room temporarily - so your DP can see the benefit of having a steam-lined living space.

My Step-Sister uses the photo idea with her DH - it works well for them.

My MIL had a lot of stuff she inherited from an Aunt whom she loved. She didn't want the stuff but wanted to remember her aunt, so we took pictures of things and made a scrapbook. For Example, we took a picture of the cup her Aunt always drank her tea from, and made a scrapbook page all about my MIL remembering her aunt drinking the tea, how she dunked a biscuit, how many sugars etc. It helped her feel she could let go of the items but retain her memories.

Good luck OP.

In the Art of Tidying book the author talks about partners who aren't on the same page as you clutter wise. She suggests sorting your stuff and leave your partner and his stuff alone. Her theory is that you are leading by example (but not talking about it, just doing). Your partner will see how successful you've been/happier you are without stuff and that will inspire them to join in rather than being told to. I did read this and not believe a word as I have a DH who likes collections of DVDs/Cds etc but...it worked!! I cleared all my unwanted stuff from the downstairs bookcases (take up one wall) and didn't mention DH's stuff AT ALL. I maybe waxed lyrical about how much stuff I cleared and gosh, didn't I keep a lot of stuff I didn't need but I put zero pressure on him to do the same. He's done the same!

I am also addicted a fan of those hoarder programmes and they always say you must NEVER get rid of any stuff that's not yours. One, it's rude (possibly damaging) and two, the hoarder hasn't learnt to let go so the problem hasn't been solved and they will just get more stuff.

Thanks everyone

Have had a busy few days, and it's nice to see all the responses.

Progress has been made in the living room, as it's an "easier" room to declutter. The thing we are struggling with is the bits that we need to keep, but have no home. Like the tape measure, xmas decorations (we have very few). At the moment I think we're going to gather everything like that in a box/crate and see what we end up with and maybe decide on homes for everything at the very end.

Ineed thanks for the link, I had a browse and if my dp becomes more comfortable with knowing he's a hoarder I may try to direct him there.

Little and often is becoming my motto I think, and I am also doing the Art of Tidying technique that Jimmy mentioned, where I'm hoping that my tidying will encourage him. I did ask him if me doing the first bits of the living room helped him get motivated to sort more and he said yes, so I think it's working so far!

Once we get on to more personal, emotional bits I'll suggest the photo technique. For both of us actually as I can see me struggling too.

Jimmy I agree with the not getting rid of his stuff. Firstly it isn't my job, and secondly I think he would hate me if I binned his stuff. Though ages ago when we moved house I did bin some soft drinks he'd been hoarding for years. Only about half of the total drinks so he wouldn't notice and he never did

Going to persuade him to sort some paperwork now...

I am the more 'hoardy' one in our relationship, but what really chimes for me is the idea that keeping it 'just in case' fails if you (a) aren't going to remember you have it or (b) can't find it easily. Might help your DP with the 'just in case' stuff. We have things in the loft, and a garage full, and I don't remember what half of it is so it is useless. Worse than useless, it gets in the way of me finding the things I do remember.

Oh, and I have a particular shelf for books I haven't read yet but want to. If your DH did that with his DVDs it sort of frees up the rest of them up. And anything that he doesn't watch from his 'waiting list' pile, maybe give it a year and if he hasn't watched them, he may be happy to get rid.

Thanks to mumsnet, I got hold of The Life Changing Magic of Tidying managed to make a lot of progress with my very object-attached and sentimental DH!

She has an approach that (perhaps because of Japan and Shinto?) treats even the objects that you are not keeping as meaningful and even respected - you thank items for service before giving them away It sounds very woo, but i think it's very helpful for people who find it hard to let go.

I did my own stuff first, then the kitchen and didn't have to push at all, as DH saw how great it was - in the end we got rid of 35 garbage bags of stuff to the charity shop and the bin! Probably some of the stuff that went to the charity shop was not hugely saleable, but DH finds it a lot easier to imagine that someone will value and use it more, and otherwise we'd never get rid of anything at all.

I was also given the great tip not to use eBay or sell online unless it's very valuable, as otherwise it adds a lot lf time and keeps more things in the house.

Good luck!