please give me tips to get on top of the house

[papercliplover]

I work full time. Long commute.

I am a single parent with 2 DC.

I am caring for a sick parent and supporting the other one.

I am doing an MSc.

My house is ALWAYS a tip.

Please for the love of God can you give me tips to get on top of it and keep it that way.

One week, spend one night on one room sorting it, one on the next etc. Get them all sorted out and deep cleaned.

Then when that's done, just spend one hour a night giving it a blitz everywhere

DC are 16 and 14 and old enough to help but don't. I generally pretend I live in a one bedroom house and don`t do their bedrooms. Nor do I iron their clothes. I do dump piles on their beds.

But. THEY WILL NOT TIDY UP AFTER THEMSELVES. Or help.

TBH, in your position, if I could possibly scrape together the money I would think a cleaner was money well spent

Sorry, your children need to help. Sit them down calmly and explain that they are nearly adults and that you can't cope with the house as well as everything else.

Implement a few rules and insist they stick to them.

Tie compliance to pocket money or lifts places or internet access but you need to put your foot down.

You need to get them to step up and do their bit, but if they have never done so before you need to think about how you go about this.

Rather than nagging them, can you sit them down and have a talk about how you feel now?

Then something specific - eg. a rota on the wall, for which they do one or two jobs a week is easy to grasp. If they only have the two or three jobs at the end, and you have the rest, then they can really see every day how much more you do for them.

DD had an inset day yesterday. The kids are at their dad's this weekend. I came home last night and the kitchen looks like a bomb site and the living room is just as bad.

I need to get on top of it and keep on top of it somehow.

Sitting here is not helping

And yes, I am far too soft! Withholding pocket money I have threatened but never followed through on.

Is there anything you can negotiate with the 14 and 16 year olds with? Any bribe/removal of privilege to make them help? Because at their age they need to take responsibility.

In the meantime, the first thing I'd do us try to get rid of stuff - the less 'stuff' you have, the easier it is to keep tidy. You can't tidy around stuff.

And break things down into small jobs in very short bursts. Eg take ten mins to clear kitchen worktops and find a place for everything that normally sits on them. And then consciously remind yourself not to set anything back on them.

Pay your kids to clean. They are more than old enough and should be helping you. These are life skills they need to learn anyway so better to spend the money and have them gain skills than pay a cleaner? I guess you give them money anyway (pocket money etc?) so just link to a household chore or 2 that you need to do weekly. Mine clean bathrooms, wash up, iron. I also expect them to keep their bedrooms tidy and have been known to head in armed with bin bags and bag up everything on the floor (including iPhones, iPads, homework books) while they manically try to grab whatever they can. It's quite funny really, bit like supermarket sweep. Then I make them earn it back. With chores. Most of the time they keep their rooms tidy ish now and I only have to peek around the door now and say, ooh do I need to fetch some bin bags and they are on their feet and tidying.

I think I may be mother from hell.

I think I need to channel mother from hell Billy.

So tired and so fed up with it.

Agree that you must sit them down. First prepare. Take photos if the kitchen bomb site! Make a step by step photo story of how you got it all tidy and clean. Use this as a friendly way to show what they must do.

I have a 14yo and 16yo too and they are not too bad most of the time (though the first 2 weeks of term they were tired, had colds, and were very busy so the mess started building up. I left it for a week before making noises about specific things not done.)

I think what works for the 16yo is to raise the point that she is going to be away at university in a couple of years, she needs to be well organised and tidy and keeping up standards of cleanliness. She would expect that of others, and could be given notice on any rented accommodation where others complain about bad habits. Home is where to learn to live in a shared house amicably, even when you don't feel like it.

My 14yo needs a different motivation. She likes to bake cookies as gifts now and again, so I insist she cleans up after herself on a daily basis so that I know she won't leave a bigger mess when she bakes.

It is easier to work with them individually, and that got them into good habits. Then there was a time when if they used the kitchen together they just blamed each other for the mess and refused to help each other. I threatened to stop giving them lifts to clubs, having their friends over, letting them watch TV and took their phones off them until they could get it done. It took a good many goes and reminders that it is important to get along, etc.

We have frequent visitors to the house, so that helps too.

(Did anyone else expect this to be a thread about how the OP could get up on the roof of their house? )

Oh no, at that age they should pay you to clean, not the other way around! If you have to clean up after them, dock their pocket money.

(Cleaners don't tidy up, they go round the mess or pick it up off the floor and dump it on the bed.)

Have a system so it is fair. 5p for every cup you take down to the dishwasher, £2 - £4 for a full bedroom/kitchen/bathroom etc. (Yes they should know how to clean a bathroom at that age, male and female.)
As part of the system, take a photo of the offence and send it to them with how much pocket money they lose. (Not this time, you need to see if they will just respond to calm reason first.)

You dont have to turn into Mumzilla, in fact the sweeter/more normal you are about them cleaning up after themselves, the better.

Right. Plan for today is my bedroom. Because I will feel better if it is clean and tidy.

Clear out old clothes that no longer fit too. IE stop kidding myself I will be a size 10 again.

Honestly op - make them be responsible for doing things.

My mam did everything for us - collected dirty washing from the floors, washed, ironed and even put it away etc.

When I left home I honestly don't think I'd ever hoovered, ran a wash or mopped a floor.

I really struggled to cope in my first home of my own and wish I'd had jobs to do at home because being self sufficient is a life skill.

Yes, they may be resentful at first and it'll be hard for you to make them help but really it's good for them too!

Good for you.

(I am now a size 10 again after 18 years..never say never! I don't miss the clothes I used to wear, though.)

It is a life skill, and they are transferable skills too. Being clean and tidy and organised marks you out as being employable. Being a slob marks you out as being unemployable. If they want to get work one day, they should learn to look after themselves.

no, don't pay the kids. Time they pulled their weight. Well overdue. You are also doing them no favours by not giving them the life skills. Be the mother from hell if needed, if they need shaming into action then shame.

tell them how it is - further refusals means withdrawal of internet, fun money etc.

One thing that helps is to have a place for everything, it takes a while to organize but once it is done it makes things a lot easier. A long time ago a friend gave me some advice " if you have something in your hand then put it back where it belongs not just anywhere " Take a look at the Marie Kendo conversation on here, that might help you. If you can afford a cleaner even it if it is a one off to get you back on track that would really help you .

Hi, firstly to clean properly you need to tidy/de-clutter.
It's impossible to clean a messy house.

It's overwhelming if everything needs doing so just think "one room at a time".
Maybe make a list, ticking off will be so satisfying.

Please don't put too much pressure on yourself, I have ocd over cleaning and the realisation that there are only 24 hours in a day was hard to take.
At one point I would literally clean all Night, through the night:(

I would concentrate on your high traffic areas first or those that need to be cleaned for hygiene ie kitchen and bathroom.

Your dc may have more pride in their house if it's clean and tidy and if not then only you know what will make them help, be it deny them something or restrict what you do for them.

Good luck and remember that Rome wasn't built in a day....

You sound super human to me. I've done various combinations of work/study/kids but nothing like you've got on your plate ever. Remind yourself that the house is the least important thing in your position and I hope you can find some time to yourself.

I really agree that your kids should help on a rota