Cannot bear the mess any longer

[MotherBluestocking]

I live on a house with four floors with husband and 6 year old son. We are fortunate to have a cleaner and so I don't have to do cleaning/laundry/ironing. What is driving me insane is the mess. Endless. Everywhere. I hate tidying. I particularly hate tidying up after other people. But if I don't do it it doesn't get done. Everything above the level of dirty coffee cups and old newspapers is invisible to my husband (e.g. there is a pile of un-put-away Christmas presents by his side of the bed). If I have a huge row with my son he will put away a few toys provided I do the lion's share. I have turned into a horrible nagging shrewish person and my house is still a tip.
Other than leave, what can I do?

My Husband is a messy person by nature. It drives me insane but with a little training I manage to keep it at manageable levels. Basically I hide anything of his I have to put away, and then when he inevitably can't find it I retort that he would know exactly where it was if he put it away himself which he then can't argue with. I find this works quite well. I have also tried piling it all up on his side of the bed so he can't get in bed until he's put it all away (he wouldn't dare to just move it all onto the floor).

I know some people are against them but I really like this idea for kids. Maybe something like that?

As for your DH...hmmm, I'll have a think on that one :)

Can you pinpoint the problem? Is it that you have too much stuff, or insufficient storage? It sounds to me as if your DH doesn't know where to put his Christmas presents IYSWIM. So is it that it's stuff he doesn't need or want, or is it that there is nowhere to put it? Logically, does everything have a home? If it doesn't, you've lost before you start.

I'm a big fan of Flylady's 15 minute blasts. You set a timer for 15 minutes and sort out as much as you can in that time. I find my DCs will cope with this too - it's not an afternoon of tidying up, just 15 minutes and then we'll do something more interesting. This at least creates a routine of tidying up and makes it more likely that they will put thigs away of their own accord (as long as there is somewhere to put them). Flylady also has a good system for sorting out very messy rooms where you take 3 boxes or bags - put away, give away, throw away. Work around the room from one side to the other.

I guess the other problem is that it isn't fair that it's your problem and not everyone's problem. To some extent I've accepted that a tidy house is more important to me than to others and thus that, even if I don't do all the putting away myself, I usually have to initiate it.

Sorry that was so long. I hope it's helpful. :)

By and large, we are ok for storage. Husband does need to have a wardrobe cull but the things by the bed are things like DVDs which do have a home. What drives me insane is that he simply doesn't see things.
Quite like the idea of the uh oh box. Would definitely be good for toys left in the drawing room - when he has both a playroom and a bedroom.
I do find it depressing that most threads on here that discuss similar issues accept that it's simply the woman's problem. My husband has a full-time demanding job; I work, though not for money, and am happy to take the lion's share of running the house; but I draw the line at picking up other people's crap.
Thank you for the suggestions. As you can see from the timing of my original post, the problem is significantly impacting on my well being!

This won't be popular, and I do feel your pain, but I think that part of the solution is understanding that if your the tidiest one in the couple then you do have to deal with the other ones crap.

My DH rarely puts anything away. He doesn't even know he doesn't put things away. It is definitely not a malicious act but it drives me crazy.

Why not introduce a fifteen minute family blitz and just put the DVDs and other Christmas presents away? I bet in the last nine months you have used more energy discussing the DVDs than it would take to put them in the DVD cupboard.

I do hear what you're saying, but I suppose the point of my post was to ask whether there was any solution other than simply dealing with the crap, or becoming a nagging harridan. The fifteen minute family blitz would inevitably degenerate into the latter.

I am you :)

DH cannot understand when I get to tipping point and start screaming- I can put up with it so long but when I've been asked for the 500000000000 time "where's my x?" I just want to yell I don't know, if you took care of your stuff and put it back in the place you got it from, you'd know.

I'm currently doing one room at a time- being ruthless with binning stuff. Anything without a home is going in a bin bag, up in the spare room. Once I have decluttered the whole house (and loft!) I will have a day sorting it. Once everything is in it's place, the understanding is now, if its not put away after three warnings, I'll bin it.

I'm not overly control freak about it all, but I get so sick of tidying constantly, and being expected to sort everyone else's junk. I do get twitchy when it's messy though, I do feel out of control when the house is a tip...

You are definitely me.
What do you do about his stuff though? For example he acquired a new briefcase a year or so ago. After repeated nagging he transferred all the essential items (!) to the new briefcase and left the old one in the dining room. Where it has been for some months now. If I chuck it I feel angry and resentful and as though he's treating me like his mother; if I leave it I feel angry and resentful and as though he treats the place like a hotel.
Like you, I'm not a naturally tidy person but I can't bear the fact that I'm the only person in the house who seems to notice or care about the mess. And I'm too ashamed of the house to have people round.

Well that would come under my new rule- three warnings, or it's been there more than 3 days, I bin it (or if extremely precious, hide it until they notice and freak out :) )

Or the other thing I'm thinking about instituting is having three baskets in the conservatory (one for DH, one for each DC). Everything they leave around goes in there (from old crisp packets to wet gym kit :). Once it's full they sort it or I bin it...

I couldn't live with him either. I can't stand stuff just 'left'.

I would have a serious discussion with him about the way forward. Tell him that it's really getting you down and you can't stand it anymore - that it's so serious that if things don't change you may end up looking at separating.

Ask him what it's going to take for him to stop dropping stuff all over the house - to actually put things away? How you can help? How together you can deal with this issue?

If he says he doesn't know or it doesn't bother him, I would reiterate that I can't cope with the mess or the house being so untidy I am too uncomfortable inviting people around and it will end up causing us to separate.

I would suggest that as I know it clearly doesn't bother him that I will sort the house out, find a 'home' for everything (or we can do it together if he would prefer that) but once it is done I expect things to stay there and anything new to be found a home and not dumped. Anything that is dumped /abandoned I will assume he no longer wants and sell/throw/recycle. If he complains, tell his it's this, another suitable suggestion from him or separation.