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Housekeeping

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Original poster

Curing DH of hoarding....

50 replies

LaVolcan · 11/12/2013 07:10

Is it possible, or a totally lost cause? Has anyone succeeded in changing such a person?

I am not a hoarder, nor was my Dad, so I don't understand them. My Mum was a shocking hoarder, so is DH, DD is shaping up that way......

I'm not naturally tidy; I have to discipline myself to be tidy, but if I can do it, why can't they?

OP posts:

MotherIsTheBestBet · 11/12/2013 09:57

Ah, yes that is annoying. And it's not just that they are difficult to dispose of? Ie he hasn't got round to going to the tip?

gleegeek · 11/12/2013 09:59

My dh is like this too. He is dyslexic and dyspraxic - I kind of thought it might be a symptom of one of those??? He files in carrier bags, bags and bags full of receipts, all the wires from phones/computers all broken long ago... I feel like I'm drowning under stuff but he doesn't see it at all

Rooners · 11/12/2013 09:59

Right. I'm not pathologising it for a start, whoever said that.

I'm trying to be analytical. Because unless you have unlimited storage space it does become a problem.

I did find that being able to recycle stuff and give it to an appropriate person/charity/etc would really take a lot of the guilt away, for me.

I had to choose where things went though - my mother has no empathy with keeping anything - other end of the spectrum in that regard, though I'm by no means outrageous and don't keep corroded batteries or old broken shite. She would have binned it all or got a skip - I had to do it with some control.

My Granny was the same. But worse than me really.

Hope some of this helps - can you approach him with some of these ideas?

TeacupDrama · 11/12/2013 10:00

hoarding is an issue like the opposite need of the spectrum to OCD but is about control often it is about stuff that you see as valueless they see as not only having value but also have an attachment too, if you just bin things behind there back you could end up with big relationship fall out, you have to decide whether the clutter is a deal breaker if it is you need to spell this out, but in many cases an ultimatum will end up with them choosing the stuff so do not issue ultimatums unless you mean it

could you decide that in 1-2 rooms of house he can have his stuff but also in 10-2 rooms they must be kept the way you like them to be

FunnyFestiveTableRunner · 11/12/2013 10:01

I'm a terrible hoarder. Both my parents had a hoarding streak although they seemed to get cured in their fifties and started binning everything. You may find that in time he comes to realise how unimportant the stuff is.

What helps me is if every so often someone goes through and helps me do a great clear out. I need the moral support. In the past I never had a system to keep on top of it but now I think with a bit of effort I could maintain it all.

FunnyFestiveTableRunner · 11/12/2013 10:03

Also what Teacup said about rooms. We have a couple of rooms which are really messy and cluttered plus a crammed garage and I work very hard to keep the rest of the house clear. I can't afford to let other rooms get out of control but if I can keep them tidy for a short while I tend to stick with it.

Rockinhippy · 11/12/2013 10:07

whereis I'm not a tidy person at all, I have been known to hoard useful stuff myself see mountain of fabric, off cuts, trim, buttons etc in my attic room

my DH however IS a pathological hoarder & HE knows it, so thats a bit too much of a presumption - its an ongoing battle & I have been know to use Freegle to get rid of his hoard myself -

BUT that said amongst his rubbish, there is a lot of valuable stuff too, stuff he keeps because he knows it could one day, if we need be sold & passed on to DD - that I don't have an issue with - I did have a big problem with our friends ignorant new wife binning his similar valuable hoard, without him knowing - she skipped & burnt tens of thousands of pounds worth of original Vivienne Westwood clothes that no longer fit him, along with his valuable vinyl collection stored safely (he thought) in the attic.

I do take issue with my DHs hoarding of jiffy bags & padded envelopes though, along with defunct electric gadget though five f'ing old broken TVs & video machines I cant get too still in our attic

I currently have 2 items of pig ugly furniture sat in our living room that no longer belong there - I want rid, they will sell as they are antique, but trying to get him to sort out the shit thats still in them is a work in progress - I can see the lot going in the bin this weekend as he's been given enough warning

He is lovely in every other way though & I wouldn't swap him for the world, but we are lucky to live in a house bigger than we need - but a whole floor is taken up with his crap & it drives me nuts - I've had to develop blinkers, or risk going insane - or LTB

tombakerscarf · 11/12/2013 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mercibucket · 11/12/2013 10:14

this is what attics and sheds are for

Rooners · 11/12/2013 10:15

Fwiw I think it can be a lot harder for women when it comes to clothes and so on as with being pregnant and then not, and then again and so on and having to be sure if you're not going to have more babies...I tend to keep the nicest things in every size, because at some point I might well need to wear them again.

Now I've finished with babies though and have had no difficulty in giving away most of my maternity gear.

I just choose nice people to give it to, or charity if it's not in such great condition. Now I'm waiting to see if my sister has a baby and it's taking ages and I just want her to take all the stuff!!!

Rooners · 11/12/2013 10:16

Oh we have no attic nor any useful shed (existing one is so knackered it only house the chickens).

Our cellar is large but incredibly damp. A lot of stuff is on the cellar stairs because of this. Nowhere else to stash it.

Rockinhippy · 11/12/2013 10:25

Our attic is actually proper rooms with a bathroom up there & would be far better done up & used for language students, its an easy way to make holiday money around here - or a room where noisy crap music cant be heard where DD & her friends can hang out as teens - this we agreed before she was born.

I still cant get into one of the rooms for his crap & the stairs to it are dangerous because of more of his crap piled there

I am slowly claiming a work room up there though & have gladly made room for his vast vinyl collection by buying shelving for the living room but why the f can he not bin most of the cassette tapes that are taking up over 20 drawers when we don't even own something to play them on

Rockinhippy · 11/12/2013 10:27

I should have said - my DH blames it on being very poor as a kid & therefore nothing was thrown out, but fixed or reused - his DSIS doesnt hoard though, far from it

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood · 11/12/2013 10:36

Dh is a hoarder
I am not overly tidy so most of the time I don't mind but we currently have 2 inaccessible rooms in our house as they are floor to ceiling boxes and bags of stuff he needs to sort when he gets time.
He is generally tidy and likes it when things are done but he can't let me deal with the stuff.
I tried that once and he emptied all the bags and rebadged them and put 90% of it back into the house.

I would love a fix for it - we don't disagree about much but this really is a bugbear of mine

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood · 11/12/2013 10:37

Oh and dh is exactly like his parents. They have bags of towels that now look like string vests they are so threadbare but they won't part with them

Original poster

LaVolcan · 11/12/2013 10:46

Rockinhippy - our families sound very similar in many ways. I keep buttons and material, but even then I have freecycled some bags of them, realising that there is more than I need for the amount of patchwork I am likely to do in the foreseeable future.

With clothes, eventually I had to realise that some perfectly good clothes which no longer fitted, would be better off at the Charity shop (couldn't be bothered with e-bay) because by the time I had slimmed, they would have been totally out of fashion and too outdated to wear, but not old enough to be vintage.

My DH blames it on being poor as a child too. My Dad's family were poor but he wasn't a hoarder. My Mum was a hoarder and she definitely wasn't poor as a child. My mother's excuse was that she had lived through a war but so had my dad. My DH hasn't lived through a war!

The 'fixed or reused' bit is the key though. One or the other. Stuff just cluttered away will either a) not be findable or b) deteriorate beyond use.

OP posts:

PrimalLass · 15/12/2013 17:46

This does fascinate me (messy but not a hoarder). We are messy because sometimes it just seems too much to make the decision, or because in my mind unless it can be perfect and organised at the end I just don't start.

So, what would happen if you just went through then bags of receipts, tickets etc and threw them out? Would it spell the end of your relationship? Because he is not asking your permission to have the house full of the stuff, so why should you ask whether you can throw it out?

Original poster

LaVolcan · 15/12/2013 19:00

I do throw some things out on the quiet. He tends to put things off to do later, and later never comes and meanwhile the best you can hope for is that it's all stuffed in the garage, which is a total no go area.

Because he is not asking your permission to have the house full of the stuff, so why should you ask whether you can throw it out?

I had never thought of it in those terms - I might try that line out on him. I had words with him the other day about one room being full of his mess, and his reply was, what about the computer room which I use more than he does. So..... I took him to the computer room and asked him which areas were messy (err - the ones he was responsible for) and then took him to the bedroom, and asked which part was messy (err, his wardrobe, his bedside cabinet, a bookshelf which he regards as his).

It wouldn't spell the end of the relationship - it just means I feel I can't ask people round because I feel ashamed of the place and it's not my doing, or once we have gone, our children will have an almighty task sorting out the mess. (Except my son would have no sentiment and would bin the lot!)

OP posts:

MissMarplesBloomers · 15/12/2013 21:33

Pick the day before bin day ( so he can't "reclaim" anything) & fill the bin with extra stuff. Even one black bin liner.

The batteries can be taken to the tip where they have a specialist dump for them or in Tesco they have a recycling facility.

If he notices then tell him you are only throwing out stuff that is not ever going to be useful.

If it is impacting on your social life & enjoyment then it needs sorting.

Original poster

LaVolcan · 15/12/2013 21:56

I was musing on this all, whilst in the middle of a mega-sort out, with a little success with DH, so he can have a brownie point.)

The hoarder needs to see how they are affecting others and want to reform themselves. What made me think of this was the time my office had a major relocation. We were allowed one crate each for personal things, and anyone needing more had to make a business case for another crate. This was to stop the firm having to pay good money to move piles and piles of crap useful things which hadn't been used for 30 odd years. It even costs money to get rid of the crap because we had skips in each corridor for the rubbish, which they had to pay to have disposed of. (I was in my element during this period.)

So, we moved. Nice clean desks, and a cupboard and set of drawers by our desk for our stuff. Within six months you could see which people where the hoarders, because yes, you couldn't see their desks for the rubbish, and you knew that it must have been new rubbish......

I think when DH's office re-located someone read the riot act to him, but he was leaving shortly anyway, so if he didn't sort the stuff out, they would have binned the lot afterwards.

Sigh, perhaps we need to move house - downsize maybe??

OP posts:

RandomMess · 15/12/2013 22:03

We had people who when they left our company at work they just locked the offices and never went in there until they were going to demolish the buildings! What was amazing though was that these employees could locate anything they needed/others wanted in the correct piles of paper on the floor/windowsill/desk/cupboard!

Original poster

LaVolcan · 15/12/2013 22:05

I can't say that the people I worked with could ever find stuff. Nor do I think DH could, but I never worked with him.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 15/12/2013 22:27

These people (scientists and vets) were amazing - you couldn't get in their offices but they knew exactly what they had...

Original poster

LaVolcan · 15/12/2013 22:58

My co-workers were scientists and computer people - but more of the absent minded/geeky variety. As were DH's - I suppose he was set a bad example.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 15/12/2013 23:07

Oh there are plenty of them as well...

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