Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Housekeeping

Find cleaning advice from other Mumsnetters on our Housekeeping forum.

Dp hoards

22 replies

bordellosboheme · 26/09/2013 08:47

And has a hard time throwing things out. I've been with him 7 years and don't think I've ever seem him throw something out. When I do, he tries to retrieve it. Our house is so cluttered that he just churns stuff around. Please help!!!!

OP posts:
EBearhug · 26/09/2013 08:54

Do you have any idea why he feels the need to hoard? There's usually something else behind it, and maybe counselling could help longer term.

If possible, you need to work with him so he feels it's safe to let go of things. It can feel very violating for someone just to throw all your stuff out unasked, even if you understand why.

How bad is it? Can you come to any agreements, like restricting it to one room, or chairs, table and floor must always be clear, something like that, so it's at least more liveable? And does he understand how it's not just about him, but affects you, too?

bordellosboheme · 26/09/2013 14:00

Thank you I will try to work with him. I think he has money issues so the thought of throwing things away links to that. There are lots of things he plans to fix but never does..... Our house is small so that affects things.,,

OP posts:
PigletJohn · 26/09/2013 15:36

My grandad was like that. However he was allowed to fill the barn with Stuff, and the house was neat and uncluttered. I don't know if that works for other people.

bordellosboheme · 26/09/2013 17:08

Wish we hd a barn Smile

OP posts:
HerrenaHarridan · 26/09/2013 17:19

Can you get a shed? Spare room?

Or failing that turn one half of you bedroom Into a wall of shelves cover with curtain rail?

My ex was like this, wasn't his only fault

PigletJohn · 26/09/2013 19:48

I think it is better to get the stuff out of the house rather than just improve the storage .

Having it stored "somewhere" may not set off the anxiety.

No expert here.

bordellosboheme · 26/09/2013 21:53

He has said he will take some stuff from the garden to the tip tomorrow. I'm praying he will follow through

OP posts:
EBearhug · 26/09/2013 22:39

I think it is better to get the stuff out of the house rather than just improve the storage .

Yes, it is, but if you can show you have some understanding why he's doing it, and can make him feel more secure about it, he may feel it's going to be okay to throw some of the things out.

FetchezLaVache · 26/09/2013 22:46

PigletJohn's quite right- if you increase your storage potential he'll just fill it and then start on the house again. Your DP needs help, but he needs to accept that he has a problem first.

My (ex) husband's a hoarder- it drives me to distraction. He has only admitted the problem since I moved out (because of the hoarding, among other things). There are entire rooms in his house you can't even get into. The general advice is not to throw things away secretly, because if the hoarder finds out it will intensify the hoarding urge. However, I did, on occasion, because it made me feel better. I was good at covering my tracks though. Once, when he was away for a few days, I got rid of eight bin bags full of stuff to the charity shop and the bin and it didn't even make a dent. He never missed any of it. But when he did catch me trying to chuck a tin of peaches five years past its sell-by date, for instance, he went fucking loopy. So I feel your pain!

bordellosboheme · 27/09/2013 22:11

Thanks for the replies. Predictably the boxes of shite are still sitting in the garden.... He hasn't gone near a tip today... He's all words and little action. That is the problem.....

OP posts:
bordellosboheme · 28/09/2013 15:43

Seriously help me calm down.... I'm in a rage.... All day he has been putting stuff from the garden into the car.... With the intention of taking it to the tip. I was really patient and encouraging. He has now decided he is not going to the tip and all the stuff is sitting in the back of the car. Isn't this want they call 'churning'.... I'm terrified that it's going to find its way back into our house..... I tried to drive the car to the tip for him and he ran after me in the car and jumped in the back.... Leaving ds home alone. At that point I had to go back. Pleas I cannot take this any more. Please calm me down.....

OP posts:
bordellosboheme · 28/09/2013 15:47

Seriously help me calm down.... I'm in a rage.... All day he has been putting stuff from the garden into the car.... With the intention of taking it to the tip. I was really patient and encouraging. He has now decided he is not going to the tip and all the stuff is sitting in the back of the car. Isn't this want they call 'churning'.... I'm terrified that it's going to find its way back into our house..... I tried to drive the car to the tip for him and he ran after me in the car and jumped in the back.... Leaving ds home alone. At that point I had to go back. Pleas I cannot take this any more. Please calm me down.....

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 28/09/2013 15:50

What reason did he give for not going to the tip?

bordellosboheme · 28/09/2013 16:07

He was going to carry on facing in the garden, doing unnecessary stuff....

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 28/09/2013 16:11

:( Yeah, sounds like his nerve has failed him when actually faced with the physical reality of chucking all that crap potentially useful stuff into a skip. Has he, at any level, acknowledged that he has a problem, or is he still trying to make out he just doesn't like wasting things?

bordellosboheme · 28/09/2013 16:31

Fetchez he will not admit he has a problem. He can't seem to see that things look crap. For instance he broke a small pain of glass in an inside door 2 years ago. It was an accident. However 2 years later it is still broken. If I talk about mending it he talks me out of it.... It's really very odd behaviour.....

OP posts:
bordellosboheme · 28/09/2013 16:33

I'm a very house proud person so I haven't invited an mummy friends over sinc ds was born hardly as I think they will look down on me...... Hmm

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 28/09/2013 16:41

I know what that's like! My friends with kids just refused to come round due to the accident potential (and because it's just not very nice sitting in a room that feels like a storage unit). If anyone does come round, is he at all embarrassed at how the house looks?

I tried getting my husband to watch hoarder documentaries, but actually that backfired a bit because he felt vindicated by them, as our house wasn't (quite) as bad as the ones on the shows.

Can you try appealing to his skint side by suggesting that you sell things rather than chuck them out?

dontyouknow · 28/09/2013 16:48

Is any of the stuff ok to give to a charity shop instead of going to the tip? That might be a bit easier for him as it's not being binned and someone else can buy it and use it.

My mission is to sort our house by the end of the year and I am getting there slowly. I have to say today we are sorting out x cupboard or getting down x boxes from the loft and we are not having a nice family day until it is done. Then if I say "do you want to keep this" or "can I throw this away" a lot gets kept. Instead I say "this has been up the loft for years so we'll get rid of it". If he has to actively disagree and say "actually no, I want to keep it" a lot less gets kept.

Unless you are really lacking in storage space I wouldn't add some - agree with others it will just add to the stuff everywhere.

The thing that drives me mad is the bags and bags of rubbish - receipts, crisp packets, 1ps etc that I find stuffed in every cupboard. At least they can be chucked (and I keep all the money I find, which really adds up) but it drives me mad.

If he is really incapable of going to the tip is it worth just putting any bags he says are for the tip in a cupboard/garage so he can't see them and change his mind, then take them to the tip yourself when he isn't around?

I do also chuck some stuff out without asking which I know isn't a good idea.

Also what about your stuff? I am a real hoarder when it comes to books. When I started getting rid of stuff I went through them and got rid of about half - they now fit on the bookshelves! It also helped as I can say when going through stuff that I got rid of hundreds of books so it isn't just his stuff that is going.

bordellosboheme · 28/09/2013 16:59

Good tips.... Don't you know... I have also started getting rid of stuff. I hoard books and clothes too... So last week I did a car boot and got rid of a load.... Will do another tomorrow. That felt very satisfying. Baby steps I guess!

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 28/09/2013 17:13

Yes, definitely baby steps! I think my husband is so daunted by the scale of the task that he now daren't get started with it- he just doesn't see that he can spend an hour or two here and there and clear a cupboard out, or a corner. He sees the crisp packets and junk mail type things as not very large items, and therefore not worth chucking out as they won't free up much space. Yeah, maybe not individually, but when there are FOUR FUCKING THOUSAND of them..... Grin

bordellosboheme · 28/09/2013 17:14

Wow Fetchez, I hear your pain!

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page