Not coping at all well with domestic life & work - please tell me where I'm going wrong

[Jemster]

Hi
A couple of months ago I posted on here for some tips on getting my home more organised and managing it all with dc's 5.5years & 16 months. I had some helpful responses and things improved a little.

Things are now really bad, my marriage is under great strain and today I have just exploded at everyone in the family and walked out in tears.

My dd is such hard work at the moment. She screams if I leave the room, she wants everything ds has, she just never seems content to just play. I work until 2.00pm everyday and literally never get a moment to do any housework or proper cooking while she's awake. She doesn't nap at all in the day. Poor ds is being left to his own devices while I'm with her and I am so irritable by the end of day that I am awful to my dh and our relationship is not good.

Sorry if this seems a bit off topic but I just need to vent somewhere and also ask other mums with this age gap and particularly a feisty demanding toddler, when the hell do you do it all? I am knackered once they are in bed and have a condition that tires me out also.

My mother in law is coming to stay tonight for 5 days and I haven't go her bed ready or cleaned her room. I am so worried what she will think about the state of my home, that it makes me seem a bad wife and mother which right now I feel I am. I also dread one of the school mums turning up unexpectedly as I would so embarrassed if they saw the place. I just cannot get and keep on top of it!

Suggestions really appreciated as I am really not coping and I need to change for the sake of marriage and family.

where's your husband in all of this?

i work FT, have 2 kids and a DH who is away with work about 70 % of the time

it's really tough at times

i don't do it all - that i use a cleaner once a week but the rest is kept on top of and some days are better than others

and there are times when Cbeebies is your friend

there is no mention of your DH in your post - you are both in this together and there is no reason why the onus is wholly on you

What kind of relationship do you have with mil? Could you have a heart to heart and either she takes the children to let you catch up or helps you catch up on yourself. I think you're probably in a bout the worst bit age wise, soon you'll have either more time or at least less mess as one will be back at school and the other at nursery.

Thanks Ruby, I know things must be harder for you working FT and dh away. My dh is a great dad and does help out at home but tends to pick the things he likes to do rather than things that need doing. He has decided to start tackling the jungle of a garden that my kids can't play in , one hour before arrival of mil. It adds to my stress that he leaves everything to the last minute and that dd is screaming cos she wants to play out there and can't as it is a jungle.

Sorry to hear this Op.. I agree DH may be a good man/dad but he needs to be more hands on in the house. Or after MIL has gone, tell him you need two clear days to get on top of the house ie. maybe this Sat and then the following.
Just for the sake of getting on top of things- maybe send washing to the launderette for this period, to let you do more of the bigger jobs.
I don't know if that will work/help.

No, no, no..you can't possibly do it all. That's a myth. You need help! First of all it will get easier, hold on to that! No friend worth her salt will judge you for a chaotic house. I had an ephiphany when a friend whose house looked lovely dragged me round opening cupboards and drawers and showing me she had merely shoved the clutter and mess inside to hide it! These days she doesn't bother and we all still love her. Can you mil help? Are you close enough to have a heart to heart? The dc...dd is at a very demanding age..when all else fails get outside. The garden..a bubble machine buys me lots of time..my 6yo ds chases them with a sword. Have a picnic, take out a washing up bowl of water and splash with it...go to the park and feed the ducks, make jam tarts..praise your big boy ds and make sure you grab special ten minutes here and there to focus on what he is doing. I listen to mine jabbering on about Minecraft whilst doing a wealth of chores, I call him in demanding a cuddle and he runs off giggling, I time him on his 'missions' with a stop watch...all enough for him to know that he is appreciated.Food...make it simple..mince is your friend..so is pasta bake! Don't worry if the kids don't always have a 'proper'meal..a hunk of wholemeal bread, peanut butter, apple and yogurt is a nutritious feast. There may have been many posts since i started writing this so i'll go and read..but you and dh...when everyone is working so hard and so tired it is hard to like each other sometimes. Any chance you can do something to have some fun? A lot of us know exactly how you feel xx

I meant he needs to take the children for days out.. also you could do with a break yourself. Not good to be that stressed for your own sake.

I've got a smaller age gap, but 2 and 4 and a job and husband working away is enough for me. The best £20/week I spend is my cleaner. It means the jobs I do are either the occasional things like cutting grass etc, or extras, as they house is basically cleaned properly once/week. Any spare money in the budget?

Or, who looks after DD til 2? Any chance of leaving her there an extra hour twice a week - once a week to get some bits done, once a week to have an hour to yourself?

The best advice I've seen is Lower your standards - anyone worth calling a friend won't worry about a bit of clutter and dust.

MIL can make her own bed!

your DH needs to also change - it's not just up to you

yes, tackling the garden is fine but not when there is the basics to do

spell it out - hard to be calm at times

be kinder to yourself as well

Can I second or third a cleaner? Best £20/week we spend.

Do not let the toddler rule the house, my friend does this and she never makes it out as her toddler naps 12-2/3, so not enough time in the morning to go out and fit lunch in, then not enough time at the other end of the day. Shame, as her oldest child loses out. Naps in the car/pushchair are fine.

Dh needs a shake.

Mil could be your angel sent form heaven, rope her in, don't say no to help.

My kids are 21months and 4.5, it's the best and worst of times.

Yes I don't think you need to or can change, no one can cope with it all. Can you get someone in to clear the garden? Oddly my DH was bothered by the jungle, we got some people in to do what they do to rental gardens and it is so much easier to keep on top of once it's been majorly cut back.

Presuming you cannot get a cleaner my suggestion would be to sit down and write a list of the cleaning and tidying jobs and what rooms these are in which needs to be done each week. Don't try to identify everything that needs doing but the basics; cleaning bathroom once a week, cleaning kitchen properly once a week, hoover once a week, etc.

Once you have identified those sit down with dh and divide the list between you. Agree to trial that division for a couple of weeks. Division could be based on 50/50 split or a different division which suits your working schedule. I would advise an even split at first though and see how you get on with it.

Once you have the weekly cleaning under control make a new list of things that should be done every day as well as less frequent that that. With a weekly clean of most rooms you will find it easier to keep living room, kitchen and bathroom okay on a more daily basis too.

My other "feel good" tip, in case you're like me and my family and have paper all over the place, is to get a few archive boxes. I started this system three years ago and love it! I have one box for things which may be needed but which will most likely be thrown out once you know you don't require them (bank statements, bills and such like). Another for things you know you need to archive (insurance papers, mortage details, tax forms etc). About annually I sit down with my boxes and go through them. I make sure I have choc's and a glass of wine for this task .

Same principle of organisation can be applied in most places. A nice box or basket can hide a multitude of sins - e.g. lotions and potions in the bathroom, toys in the living room etc. Cupboards are also your friend.

You do sound stressed but remember you don't know what lurks behind closed doors in other peoples houses. Besides you do not live in your house by yourself so get dh and oldes child involved in keeping things tidy. Above all don't be too hard on yourself!

Great post Howstricks I love your ideas for occupying the children.

I think sometimes its tempting to think there is a magic formula or a secret trick that if I could just learn it everything would fall into place. As a previous poster said everyone is different and it's finding the right system for you.

Please don't think that everyone else has it sussed and you are the only who hasn't. My house only ever gets tidied a section at a time, the whole house is never tidy at one time. Any tidying coincides with visitors coming.

As previously said stick to the basics for now. Don't worry about friends seeing your house, if they are your friends they will understand. As for your MIL, your DH can explain if she chooses to comment on the house. She is his mother.

Have at look at something called home start. If you are not coping & it is affecting your family/life, speak to your GP or Health visitor or you can refer yourself. My friend had help with a similar story & it really helped. They have volunteers /trained to help. It may be to keep your children entertained whilst you blitz a room etc! Sometimes having small children & juggling everything can become too much - especially if you have an under laying condition anyway. Wish I had listened to my own advice when mine were small! Struggled away for years & regret it now & only now sorting myself out now. (Sorry not more practical advice)!

Your thread title says you're struggling with the work/domestic chores balance but you don't mention work in any of your posts. Do you WOH? Full or part time?

Your DH doing the odd chore that he fancies doing is unacceptable. All the domestic drudgery - cooking, cleaning, laundry, scrubbing the toilets and toddler-wrangling needs to be split 50/50 (or some other fair split you agree on if one of you has more time at home). Neither of you should be doing anything outside of that list of essential day-to-day chores until they're done. If your DH won't do them, get a cleaner - it's not your job to pick up his slack.

A phrase I like to use is this: the reason women are under such unmanageable stress these days is not, as some like to say, that women want to have it all, it's that women are expected to do it all.

While the modern workspace is vastly improved (though by no means perfect) and we happily accept that many women work and make perfectly capable doctors, lawyers and airline pilots, for some reason we still think of men as grossly inferior to women at coping with domestic responsibility. Which is as grossly sexist as saying that women are less capable at "men's" jobs, but it's not an inequality that men are in such a hurry to address as it gets them out of washing the dishes.

Women are going to remain under these intolerable levels of responsibility and stress until the same revolution happens in the home as happened in the workplace.

Put your DH to work.

Or get a cleaner.

Do NOT look for ways aroound the problem like flylady etc that continue to put all the burden on YOU!

Good luck!

Sorry, just seen that you work to 2pm but are engaged full-time with your DC the rest of the day. So a 50/50 split of childcare/cleaning is only fair with a tag-team approach is probably your best bet.

Also, don't you DARE take responsibility for your marital troubles on your own shoulders. You are snapping at your DH because you're exhausted, overwhelmed and not getting support in any of the right places. He's the one watching you run around like a blue-arsed fly, he's the one not making his mother's bed, he's the one adding to your stress by leaving everything to the last minute. It's all as much on his shoulders as yours; how can anyone be expected to show love, consideration, respect and support to their partner when they don't receive any of those things?

Keep reminding yourself that your home and children are not solely your responsibility. And make sure your DH knows this too.

Thank you all for the replies. Unfortunately we can't afford a cleaner although I am considering getting someone in to do a one off deep clean so I can start afresh. Need to look into cost of this.
I have never been close to mil and I don't like to let people see me struggling, but she is very good with the dc so I might ask her to occupy them so I can get some stuff done.

Hi Jemster,

I wanted to post earlier but have been horribly busy. I do remember your old thread and was actually wondering how you are doing. I'm so sorry to hear things aren't going too well.
I suspect that your husband thinks because you work part time things are somehow easier and that he should be coming home to a spotless house and a hot cooked meal. In reality you are working more, not less, because your DD requires so much attention on top of everything else.
I don't think getting a cleaner is the solution. I think the solution is to sit down and discuss this with your husband. With your health issue that was brought up before and working 5 days a week it is unreasonable to presume that the house and kids are all your responsibility.
I know I've said this before but I really believe if you can get the house sorted for once and all you will be able to maintain with a simple daily routine and crafty shortcuts. If there any way you could have DH take the kids (or at least DD) out for the day on Saturday so you could work uninterrupted and make some progress? I think you could get an awful lot done even if it was just one Saturday.
Another thing that might make you feel better is if you first made the house look tidy by chucking any stuff just lying around into boxes/baskets and stuffing them into a closet. Then spray and wipe all counter tops and straighten everything out. At least if the house looks tidy you'll feel a bit better, then you can tackle all the 'stuff' over the weekend. I've made a quick list for you that has a few ideas that might help:

1. Get over the door shoe organizers with pockets. You can store anything from shoes and umbrellas to toys, toiletries or cleaning supplies. Each family member can put their own stuff away in them, plus they are hidden and take up no room.

2. Baskets for everything. Throw the kids toys in one, shoes and flipfops in another. Ironing that needs to be done in one, clean folded clothes in another.

3. Try getting up 30 minutes earlier just one day a week to do a few things while DH watches DD if she's already awake.

4. Carefully plan out all chores you need to do. This means if DH is with kids or kids have just gone to bed and you have 30 minutes you can get a lot done in that amount of time.

5. If the kids are just making a big mess take them to the park etc the get them out of the house. Less mess for you and happy kids!

6. Don't be scared to have one or two nights a week where the kids have sandwiches of paper plates for tea. Much less work for you.