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Original poster

No room for me in DPs house!! Help!

17 replies

LemonDrizzled · 20/12/2012 16:19

I am looking for advice on how to tackle this.
My lovely DP is a clutterer and a hoarder. He has his elderly DPs living with him as their house became uninhabitable due to excessive hoarding Xmas Shock
We have nearly finished clearing their house to sell up and buy them a nice bungalow nearby but meanwhile all their stuff is crammed into the ground floor of DPs house.
His adult son is home and out of work and lounging on the sofa. Xmas Hmm
The cupboards in Dps room are full of all his stuff and his DPs overflow. There isn't even room for me to keep a washbag and knickers in a drawer.

I have slowly cleaned through the house and cleared out the kitchen and bathroom and ruthlessly thrown away masses of stuff. but DP has inumerable electric gadgets and equipment and his hobby involves equipment that most people own one of. He has over 30 sets crammed into the garage and house!

Now I live up the road in a clean tidy comfortable clutter free home, but would like to spend more time with DP in future. Bear in mind his ExW left because she could bear it no more, and he REALLY wants things sorted so
the house is welcoming. Currently nobody visits - it really is CHAOS there! The whol efamily need to learn better habits.

Would you a. run for the hills b. give him an ultimatum and wait for him to sort it c. turn into a control freak and make him clear it or d. pour a glass of wine and chill out then go home and ignore it?

He is truly lovely but I couldn't live there even if I could jam my suitcase in somewhere...

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 20/12/2012 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LemonDrizzled · 20/12/2012 16:46

Thanks Natasha I can cope as long as I don't feel responsible for the mess! It is good to be reminded it isn't my business. I spend about four or five nights a week there but never leave anything behind.
I have trained them in Flylady sinkshining but if I am away they relapse immediately.

OP posts:
ClareMarriott · 20/12/2012 19:25

I'm a declutterer and the professional body for declutterers is called apdo-uk.co.uk. If your DP would like help to sort out his things and those belonging to his parents, perhaps you could both have a look at it and see if anyone in your area could help you out. Best of luck

NatashaBee · 20/12/2012 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CiderwithBuda · 20/12/2012 22:09

I think I would run for the hills tbh. If he knows his ex left because of it and even when you help he lets it get back in a mess and his parents are the same then I think you are on a hiding to nothing. It sounds as if it is deeply ingrained.

Or just spend time at yours?

AdoraJingleBells · 20/12/2012 23:14

To be completely honest I would rethink the entire relationship. I'm a reformed hoarder/born again minimalist and I cannot live with clutter now. A little mess yes, I currently have empty supermarket bags scattered all over the kitchen, but they'll be gone in ten minutes.

You can't change either DP's or his parent's behaviour. Just like no one could change mine other than me. They could with a lot of work, but they have to see a problem and really want to resolve it first.

Are you certain you want to live their way? Do you see staying over a few nights a week but never leaving anything behind as a long term path to happiness?

Original poster
LemonDrizzled · 21/12/2012 16:05

Thanks for all your thoughts on this. Adora and Cider I think you have the crux of it there. None of them are going to change unless they really want to. The old folks will have to change a bit because their house was wrecked and they can't survive that again at 80. We will have to patrol them and keep the mess down or they will end up in a home! I love them and am happy to help.

DP is such an open loving person and aghast that he has never learned how to run a home properly. I think he is amenable to being gently kept in order and I think the answer is to zone the house with tidy areas for visitors and me and messy bits for his stuff. But I am planning to keep my own home for the next few years so I think I will expect to live separately until I can see whether he can reform. He absolutely wants it to work out so I am optimistic.

Re the professional declutterers: My experience with my own DPs and DPs is that going in hard causes them huge distress and angst. When I cleared the bathroom and removed 60 bottles of shampoo etc MIL almost had a panic attack. I'm not sure they would cope with it.

Hmm now to try to get the dining table clear so we can actually sit down at it!

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonDrizzled · 21/12/2012 16:07

Do we all have mothers who clutter round here? That is interesting

OP posts:
educatingarti · 21/12/2012 16:28

No - not me Lemon. My Mum is ace at tidying!

AdoraJingleBells · 21/12/2012 16:52

My mother never had clutter, just never bloody well cleaned. She was depressed though, so never actually saw the dirt IYSWIM.

Original poster
LemonDrizzled · 22/12/2012 19:29

I think cluttering and depression are closely linked though. Which comes first is hard to tell.
The good news today is that while I was blitzing the living room today DP has half cleared the dining room and is going full steam ahead sorting out junk. I think there is a chance we will be able to sit down for Christmas lunch!

OP posts:
AdoraJingleBells · 22/12/2012 19:42

Yes, hoarding is frequently a symptom of depression, was for me too. That's why only the person doing the hoarding can change their behaviour. Once it reaches levels where other's notice it it can be a viscous cycle of the clutter exacerbating the depression and they still can't let go of things because of the depression.

Good luck for your Christmas lunch.

twolittlemonkeys · 22/12/2012 19:50

My mum's house is very cluttered. Not like extreme hoarder-level clutter but always untidy, far more clutter than I could cope with (and I'm not that houseproud) but occasionally I have an extreme clearout because I panic about my house getting that bad. I do suffer with depression somewhat and it gets worse when my depression is worse, then because I'm depressed I can't deal with it etc etc.

I would see if it improves once his parents move out and you may then be able to tackle it with his permission and cooperation of course. Right now, I imagine with those extra people and belongings there you can't see the wood for the trees. Good luck. I think it would make me on edge and slightly panicky (which is how I can feel when at my mum's for more than a week!) I would certainly advise living separately until he's made some long term changes!

lubeybooby · 22/12/2012 19:53

Why not have him over to yours more often, so that you can then enforce a regime and pitching in.

AdoraJingleBells · 22/12/2012 23:08

two

I understand what you mean, I don't like to sit down at MIL's as it makes me feel suffocated. At least standing up I can see over/past a lot of the stuff. I also feel a need to clear out at home after visiting them. I'm struggling right now with my wardrobe, Xmas gifts are stashed in there so it looks crammed full and I'm itching to chuck it all out.

Original poster
LemonDrizzled · 22/12/2012 23:51

lubey I lure him over to mine at least twice a week as we can have lots of noisy sex some privacy there Xmas Smile But his DC spend every weekend with him so it is easier to be there at weekends.

Actually the DC really appreciate it getting tidier. At the moment the CHAOS means they never get sleepovers at home. They are allies! It is the GPs who make it tricky as they go through the bins to recover things. I have to sneak bags of rubbish out to my car after dark to get them away Xmas Shock

Just had a lovely evening in the newly tidied living room - there is hope!

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonDrizzled · 22/12/2012 23:56

Actually I do that with my mum too - sacks of plastic for "recycling" into the boot! Am I too underhand? I don't care though. These people need help!

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