How do I get them all to muck in?

[ForestSweep]

Yesterday I had a rare day out with friends. When I left the kitchen/living room was clean and tidy. I can home to an absolute bombsite which ruined my day and made me feel really angry and resentful.

All the dirty cups, plates cutlery etc. from the day had been piled high on the work tops, as had the debris from lunch and all the rounds of tea and coffee that had been made. The dishwasher hadn't been emptied (I set it off before I left) and there was a big pile of used teabags in a bowl with about 10 spoons in it, sugar and crumbs everywhere, and sticky patches of squash over the worktops. My washing from the tumble drier had been dumped on the sofa and DD and her boyfriend were laying on it watching a film! The dog hadn't been walked, the windows hadn't been opened, the shoes were piled high by the front door, and the floor was filthy, and mugs and wrappers were all over the coffee tables. DH was home all day but is mid DIY project and obviously didn't bother to supervise or instigate any clearing up. He's usually quite good at helping me to keep on top of things, but we're constantly cleaning up behind our kids (who are aged 12 - 19, so not babies).

I don't consider myself to have impossibly high standards, but I hate the fact they're all happy to wallow around in the mess until I get home and clear things up. Things have got to change!! I seem to have a lot of guilt about asking the children to do anything because I always felt I was asked to do too much as a child, but I'm frazzled and due to start a new job soon, and the constant battle against the mess and washing is getting me down.

I've decided to talk to them all after dinner this evening (DH included) about the things that I want to change, but I don't want them to just nod and smile and then carry on as normal. How do I make them help out a bit?

Dont know but couldnt pass by. That sounds terribly disrespectful to you and I can understand why you feel hurt.
Could you get them all to do 5 things this morning that would help you get back on top of it- dont do it all yourself, you shouldnt have to, they are big enough to help out.
Then when house is tidy you can have a calm chat about doing their bit (not helping- they live there, so they maintain it, they are not helping you, its their responsibility too).

Cant say I have the answer but I find the kids help more when I use 'descriptive praise'.

Just tell them, that you work too and the weekend should be yours too and you are buggered if you are going to clear up after them!

I've got a 16 year old dd and I would go mental if I came home from a day out to find a mess, when I've left the house tidy. She's finished school until September now and I leave her a list. Simple as that. I do have to write a list, she is afterall a kid still and lacks the ability to 'see' mess, but if that's what it takes, so be it!

It sounds as though either they have no respect for you or they just assume mum will do it! You need to nip this in the bud quickly or it'll be too late!

This happens to me too,but my kids are a lot younger,so I use the threat of withdrawal of privileges unless they muck in and tidy it up.

I hope you find a solution as that isn't on,at all.

Thank you. It's good to know I'm not being unreasonable and expecting too much.

The eldest two are out this morning (the eldest stayed at her boyfriends last night and hasn't made an appearance yet - despite being asked to be home in the morning to see her Dad) so I can't ask them to help, but the youngest two are being rather sweet and are trying to put things right.

Porridge, you're right - I do feel hurt. It's like I don't matter! What is descriptive praise? If it helps, I'll do it!

Maureen, I have one who has just left school too, so I'm going to start leaving her lists and cut her pocket money if she doesn't do what I've asked. My eldest is working full time, and she pays £10 a week 'rent' but I might threaten to put it up if she wants to include housekeeper fees!

Write down the list of daily chores and order invite everyone to pick one (or two) and do them. This gets them volunteering quickly as they get to pick the easiest/nicest jobs by getting them done.

Another thing we do is shout "Two jobs". Whoever turns up first gets first choice of which job they will do. They (2 DS) have no idea what the jobs are and race to be first.

I would prefer it if DH and DSs would take some responsibility for keeping the place clean and tidy, but in the absence of that, this seems to be workable. HTH

That's a great idea, I'll try it!

I'm even more angry now as I've just discovered someone has stolen the £2 coins in my 'dreams' jar (those jars you smash open when they're full). I had about £14 in coins in there and a £5 note. There is £2 left. To say I am livid is an understatement. I thought I'd brought my children up to be honest and hard working. This isn't the first time they've stolen things from us either. I'm sick of it!

well thats just not on...must be replaced pronto- if you had touched their money what would be the reaction. My kids get told that 'you teach people how to treat you' i.e. you stand up for yourself but if you want others to respect you, you respect them too. Someone is missing that message in your house.
Could DH convey your hurt so that you cant be accused of 'martyring'?

Descriptive praise I learned from 'How to talk so kids will listen' (also works on abusive twat exH ). e.g. oh thank you for clearing away the dinner plates like I asked; and I noticed that you stacked the plates as well. Wow (you have to really mean it- they have a radar for BS).

I would institute two things.

1. A weekly family meeting, where this stuff is aired. They probably don't realise how thoughtless they are being.

1. At weekends, I would set a timer for an hour each day, and get everyone working for that period of time and no longer, so they started to be a team. Afterwards make a big fuss and provide a reward in the form of cake or whatever.